I was standing in line at the DMV last week, waiting to renew my driver’s license and pretending to be Black. Every time I hang around RealBlacks©, I act about 90% Blacker. I’m so socially dynamic (read: full of shit) and so desperate to be liked, that I change my behavior depending on my surroundings. I’m like an insecure chameleon on Ayds.
Blacks at the DMV? Yes. There were. In fact, I was standing next to one that was gay, fucking RIPPED, and darker than Seal.
Now, the one sub-species that enthralls me more than any other is the HOMOTHUG. I could listen to these niggas talk all day — flamingly gay, tougher than leather, and black as the queen of spades.
You may or may not be willing to admit that you think you know the political leanings of all Homothugs. I’ll admit it for you: WE all think THEY must essentially harbor the political stance of Al Franken with a feather boa up his ass.
Well, I was in for a surprise, and so are you. All he needed was a little stimulation, no homo; once he got rolling, this is the kind of John Rambo shit the Homothug laid down:
“You know, one thing I really can’t thtand ith when niggath talk thit about America? I mean when they come HERE and talk thit HERE, you know? Like afthter 9-11 and niggath was in Jerthey Thity danthin on the thidewalks? Mmm-mmm, go back where you came from theyn, you know? If you ova there ith one thing, but pleathe. Go back home you know? Go back there.”
Gay, Black, Thuggin, and Conservative. I love New York.
I would have loved to film him, but doye, I already have enough up my ass without having my flipcam up there too. Instead, I continued to probe him, no homo, and I asked him what he thought about Obama and ObamaCare:
“You know to be honetht, I am tho embarrathed, but I have juth not been keeping up at ALL, like at ALL. Like what ith he up to? Like, he wanth to take healthcare choith away from people, I heard. Like, make the goberment chooth whith health care niggath have?”
I said goddamn — nigga can I get a witness?
How did this happen? A Black Gay Thug in New York City thinks Obama is trying to take away his health care? Is this shit THAT widespread? How do political memes started by the blackest of dark agents make it to the minds of the least likely carriers on the planet?
Alright, fuckin hold everything.
What the fuck is this phenomenon we’re seeing? This is palpable, and you’d have to be Helen Keller not to sense it: The biggest right-wing wave of all time is building on the horizon, and it’s approaching our Obama oasis like a redneck tsunami with guns.
Listen: The good news is that I know what’s happening, and that it’s not too late. The better news is that I just swallowed a whole grip of my 2008-style legal drugs so that I can stay up all night and explain it:
HERE’S WHAT’S HAPPENING:
1) In November 2009, Obama’s landslide victory destroyed the republican party as we knew it.
2) They have “Freedom Fighters” in town hall meetings screaming at Obama — bringing fucking GUNS to Obama protests for the whole world to see. This undermines his support at all?
3) They have a Homothug in the middle of Herald Fucking Square thinking Obama is trying to take away his healthcare.
There. Now you KNOW, and KNOWING is half the battle. The Republicans aren’t motivated by racism or a hatred of socialism. It’s like saying a crackhead is gay for wanting to suck a dealer’s dick. They’re not even THINKING of race or political ideology — they are overcome with withdrawal and fear from losing their power, and they’re turning into little, shriveled, desperate, Gollum-like, ring-jonesing dick suckers.
We might still pull through — let’s see if the president gets tough tonight. He has to, if he’s going to slow this wave.
Regardless, I’m sad to say this may all be my fault. I’ll admit to praying for this day for the last 20 years, but it looks like in typical monkey’s paw fashion, my prayers and wishes have backfired:
It’s finally come to pass: Howard Stern can broadcast LIVE, while the President of the United States has to work with a 24-hour tape delay.
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Exactly.
09.09.09 at 1:14 pm
Obama voted to renew the Patriot Act, something he said he was going to get rid of. He reappointed Bernanke as chairman of the Federal Reserve. Isn’t this crazy due to the fact that Bernanke got us into this mess? He’s bombing the fuck out of innocent people in AFPAK. I could go on and on. I voted for the guy but he promised many things that he’s not following up on. It just goes to show pretty much all politicians are fucking bitchass liars.
09.09.09 at 1:28 pm
Best analysis on this issue I’ve read.
09.09.09 at 1:36 pm
Seeing as both candidates were complete pieces of shit, a lot of people didn’t even vote out of disgust. Thus, it is a given that these people (myself included) will hate whoever sits in the oval office. Obama stunk to high heaven and the media gave him a free pass, but you can only do so much spin to try to hide the fact that he is a tool and a liar and people are rapidly waking up. And now I’m seeing whiny articles like this trying to paint him up as a martyr. Spare me. My guess is that all the folks who didn’t give a fuck about the last election will get off their asses in the next one just to get this piece of shit out of office.
09.09.09 at 1:50 pm
This is exactly what I’ve been saying all along. The pendulum swings to the extreme right, the inevitable reaction being an even further swing to the left…back and forth it goes until we’re living in TOTAL BONDAGE. Next we’ll get Mitt Romney or some kook along those lines. After a few years of his shit, minorities and everyone else will be on the brink of revolution, again, and we’ll get some crazy motherfucker way out on the bugged-out left side of things…and so it goes…It’s like a rocking motion and they’re lulling us to sleep, hoping we won’t shit our diapees. God am I high right about now.
09.09.09 at 1:53 pm
I already read that Tom Tomorrow thing this morning. LOVE how it portrays libs as these marginalized wimps browbeaten into their little corner by bully right-wingers. I guess they forgot that they control every aspect of the government, for now. And where are all these war protesters at? And if they’re protesting war, aren’t they now protesting Obama’s war?And if they don’t exist? Is it because of the right-wing? Or is it because they’re confused? Here you have Obama, the man who must be a lib because he’s black, yet he’s running this war AND he’s got his cig stained hoof on your shittly little wallet. What do you do!?! That’s right. Shut your mouth. But yeah, the war protester, talk about a fucking dinosaur. On January 1st it will be 50 years since the 60s started.
09.09.09 at 2:08 pm
The idea of politician as drug addict is genius. In the end, they really are chasing a rush like any other John. That’s why the bitch asses go into politics in the first place plaine and simple.
09.09.09 at 2:12 pm
Horseshit. Name one fucking thing that Obama promised and has lied about thus far. You want everything so fast and it’s still too early to judge.
09.09.09 at 2:16 pm
Jones, you just ain’t paying attention. He’s carrying on a lot of Bush’s less savory policies. Look it up for yourself.
09.09.09 at 2:55 pm
See?? I say name one thing he goes, you’re not paying attention, disses me, says I don’t know anything, but he doesn’t answer the fucking question and can’t name one fucking thing.
I hate your readers
09.09.09 at 3:00 pm
Obama’s job is to control all 450 million of you while big business keeps fucking you, you keep at your jobs, and you spend on horseshit you think will make you happy.
09.09.09 at 3:07 pm
Honestly man…I’m glad you wrote this and not me. You are right as fuck about the redneck tsunami. I’m America’s number one self-hating white lefty, and all I do is sound like Jewy McBomb-thrower with a stuttering problem when I bring this shit up.
So dude, I’ve been ripping on straight, white waspy christian people for most of my life. If you’re white you must be a hillbilly “I hate Blacks’n'Jews” racist fuck unless you can give me the secret “not an asshole” handshake. It’s what I do…my raison d’etre if you will.
So naturally I just found out that one of my gayest friends ever (and I mean “handsome-devil motherfucking fashion plate art gallery submissive-bottom Ken doll”) owns a SHITLOAD of guns. A small Latin American army’s worth.
Not for protection, not coz he’s trying to advocate for LGBT self-defense…no. Fuck no. He just likes to go shoot stuff and blow it the fuck up.
And he’s also conservative as fuck. As in right-wing “Obama had better not try to take my guns away, blah blah blah.”
What have I learned from this?
I DON’T KNOW SHIT ANYMORE. Period. End of discussion. The world as I know it has changed, all bets are off and I’d better be goddamn sure not to suss people out based on what I think their politics are or based on what I assume about their looks, their clothing, their gender, etc etc etc. If I do I’m probably gonna get beat down in front of my old lady.
There, I said it and I feel better.
Thanks again for writing this man. Someone needed to say it.
09.09.09 at 3:15 pm
not posting bills for 5 days on the white house website before passing them
09.09.09 at 3:16 pm
^^^ “suss people out”
haven’t heard that line for a while.
09.09.09 at 3:18 pm
@homothug
you should read fear and loathing on the campaign trail.
09.09.09 at 3:21 pm
Salvadore Deli = best post name
09.09.09 at 3:24 pm
I agree with this blog for the most part but this economy kinda has me feeling sorry for old white dudes. Not sure why since they’ve oppressed my people for what feels like all of time…but I still feel bad.
09.09.09 at 3:34 pm
The conservative-liberal angle is one dimensional: literally, a line. The reality is that even ill-informed dipshits have more complex political opinions than that. When everyone has opinions in three or four dimensions, it becomes harder to peg people (like a homothug) and harder for politicians to get anything done, not that they were ever all that efficient to begin with.
09.09.09 at 3:41 pm
Danielle, did you ever stop to think for a minute that throughout American history, the vast majority of “white dudes,” old and young, were never in the position to oppress people? Is it possible that those decisions are made by a very small elite group and it’s perhaps unfair for you to blame an entire race of men?
You wouldn’t blame every black dude in Zimbabwe for what Mugabe’s doing, would you?
Sure, most white dudes may have gone silently along with the crowd because they found some benefit in it, plus he’d get a beatdown if he spoke out. Not really much different than a black dude who keeps his lip zipped in Zimbabwe these days. Old, young, black, white, male or female, most people just go with the crowd.
09.09.09 at 3:50 pm
Danielle, you’re a complete fucking idiot, sincerely.
09.09.09 at 5:14 pm
@Erik Kolacek: You rule! Seriously.
09.09.09 at 5:31 pm
yes…wrk ppl all thought obes talking 2 the children was wrong…i said they wouldn’t have cared if it was bush or clinton that did it and they were like maybe he’ll b indoctrinating kids with socialist ideas…they also said they didn’t want their kids writing any essays 4 obes. i called them racists and walked out in disgust. (naw i just ignored them and came here 2 mock them anonymously)
09.09.09 at 5:34 pm
sux
09.09.09 at 5:35 pm
True dat, your words are amazing my fluffy friend.
09.09.09 at 5:51 pm
I liked the part where Obama suspended the Patriot Act, ended the war in Iraq and had the balls to do something about gay marriage. Hmm, I guess he really did keep his promises…end the war, transparency, no more torture (hello rendition).
No partisanship to see here, move along.
Change you can believe in!
BTW Bush still sucks but he isn’t president anymore.
09.09.09 at 6:27 pm
And for the record, several scientific studies have shown partisans and politicians get a similar high to those experienced by junkies when they’re up on their soapbox being self-righteous knobs:
http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2006-01/euhs-esl012406.php
09.09.09 at 6:33 pm
Hilarious. Comic is fucking ace too
09.09.09 at 8:52 pm
I want to see Sarah Palin up there as president, bent over at the podium and squealing out the State of the Union while the First Dude is drilling her up the ass. It’s my vision for America and I get wood every time I think about it.
09.09.09 at 9:05 pm
None of you are giving enough credit to right-wingers. You can’t say that their politicians are full of shit power addicts while simultaenously exhalting faggots like Ted Kennedy and Obama as altruistic heroes of leadership.
09.09.09 at 11:50 pm
HEY you guys changed the title of this article. We noticed! What does Jurrasic 5 not like you using the N-word in the headlines? I am very disappointed.
09.10.09 at 2:56 am
this homo black thug sounds like a lot of fun to be around.
09.10.09 at 3:34 am
and poobert is right.
09.10.09 at 3:35 am
C’mon, you have to respect a guy who leaves VICE in order to bend to the will of far less-lucrative advertisers.
09.10.09 at 3:38 am
ahaha
09.10.09 at 4:11 am
Obama fucking killed it last night so eat a dick haters…..
09.10.09 at 8:04 am
You lie!
09.10.09 at 8:17 am
Pretty much everyone here probably voted in the presidential election. But how many of you have voted in the senate and house elections?
Its one thing to elect a president that you share common ideas with, but it is also extremely important take responsibility for the people that are put in power that write these bills and put them into law. Voter turnouts are dramatically weaker in congressional elections by every group except for the elderly. This is the group who really makes the decisions on how the country will be run into the ground when they are underground.
Obama is doing well so far, and while he may not be living up to your grandiose expectations, he is making marginal improvements and things do take time. Im glad to finally see him develop a backbone in last nights speech. Hes just as frustrated as us to hear all the lies and propaganda spread about his “death panels.” Hopefully the rest of the Dems will stand up and stop being pussies and do what we voted them into power for in the first place.
09.10.09 at 9:04 am
@ rape kit
for a rape kit, you sure are boring.
09.10.09 at 9:13 am
hahahahaha vane$$a for the mfwin
09.10.09 at 9:43 am
I will be at Penn station gloryhole tommorrow at noon. Go into the third stall and insert yourself. I will be at the other end.
I expect this to be a mutual activity.
09.10.09 at 3:18 pm
rape kit is the only person who had something worthwhile to say. at least the first paragraph.
vanessa, get fucked by a swordfish.
Jones, read the 2nd post you fucking cowboy.
09.10.09 at 5:04 pm
didn’t obama create the “grandiose expectations” that rape kit so cavalierly attributes to us smelly people? i’m really enjoying this whole fucking people up with one line thing by the way. ninja.
09.10.09 at 9:41 pm
bn (i’m afraid to say that other word now that the man is here) can’t write for shit, but he’s got charisma baby. charisma (see dash snow) is all you really need in the world of arts and letters, and this dude’s got it in spades on top of spades oozing through the computer screen. kudos…pimp.
09.10.09 at 9:47 pm
I’m drinkin it…in spades
09.10.09 at 9:49 pm
Hey! You changed the name of this article. Now I look like an asshole for telling someone to read it by the old name. Thanks. Jerk.
09.11.09 at 12:45 am
November 2009 is still a couple months away.
09.11.09 at 10:23 pm
[...] kidding! I think being gay is funny!”, they would be bummed. But it was funny. You know about homo thugs and stuff, [...]
09.15.09 at 10:22 am
http://www.arthurmag.com/2008/05/06/bush-must-not-be-allowed-to-kill-himself-dave-reeves-on-what-people-have-done-with-their-war-criminals
the part where you shit your pants sucks though.
09.17.09 at 6:58 pm
Dear “Penn Station” gloryhole poster:
This is my real name. I use my real name because I’m a real person and I’m not afraid of shitbag trolls like you.
I live in Oakland, California. If you’d like to visit meet me at the Oakland City Center Bart Station I will gladly insert your bleeding face through a plate glass window.
It won’t be mutual.
10.22.09 at 12:10 am
Add New Comment thanx for the option
01.14.10 at 3:02 pm
who painted this theme? preety cool
01.20.10 at 5:05 pm