STREET BONERS and TV CARNAGE » PUTTING YOUR DICK IN THE COMPUTER’S ASSHOLE

PUTTING YOUR DICK IN THE COMPUTER’S ASSHOLE

I have this friend who works at a major video game company, and every time I see him he acts like he’s some big fuckin’ celebrity. It’s like, get real, shit-ass; you’re a computer nerd, not Quentin Tarantino.

Anyway, he was in from the West Coast over New Year’s, and as usual, he couldn’t shut up about his company’s super-secret projects. He teased me with information, all smug and shit, as if I even gave a fuck about “Tekken 70″ or “Hulk Blows Spider Man” in the first place.

So to get on his tits I said the same thing I’ve been saying to him for the last 10 years:

“Can I ask you a question? How can it be 2010 and I still can’t get a blowjob from my X-Box? What the fuck are you guys even doing? What are you waiting for? You’re like the faggots at Ground Zero holding their dicks for the last decade — where the fuck is progress?!”

So he gave me some spiel about how of course an “interactive sex device” would be popular with a certain segment of the population, but how the idea doesn’t get real R&D money because of the brand restrictions that Microsoft and Sony (fuckin’ forget Nintendo) levy on distributors.

I told him two things:

“A) You’re right dude, it would sell amongst a certain population segment; they’re called ‘Men.’

B) You mean to tell me that Microsoft will allow little kids to control black guys and make them shoot cops and hookers, but they won’t bless a guy getting a digital hummer?”

America is so fucked up.

So he told me something I didn’t know, which is that you technically don’t have to wait for “family brand” video game companies to work through their puritanical bureaucracies. If you’re really hardcore / hard-up, you can buy a USB vagina RIGHT NOW.

Here it is: the Realtouch Virtual Sex Device.

Looks promising, but after stalking the internet for a few days, it seems there are some serious CONS.

First, the PROS:

–It mimics a vagina, mouth, or ass with varying degrees of tightness, heat, moisture, and motion. That’s a pretty big fucking PRO — do you need any more PROs?

–Another Pro: When you watch special porn with it, the videos are carefully encoded so that whatever is happening on the screen is the sensation you feel.

THAT’S WHAT I WANT!

Hang on droidfucker, listen to the CONS:

–The $199 price tag isn’t THAT bad, all things considered, but you have to pay PER MINUTE to access the specially encoded porn — and it’s expensive: A 30 minute wank session costs like 20 bucks.

–You can only use it with the company’s own mainstream-style porn. For someone like me, who is so porn-callused that I can only get off by watching shit like two 18-year-old interns eating each others’ pussies in front of their parents, this Alpha-Beta cheerleader shit is about as titillating as a crushed Haitian.

–You can’t use it over the internet with “live” girls.

Fuck it, I’ll keep waiting.

I have a dream: I have a dream that when my wife goes to sleep, I can put on a gigantic fucking helmet like a jerkoff. I have a dream that I will be totally immersed in an ultra-real seeming world in which several photorealistic college girls approach me and are controlled by real Michigan college students who need the money.

I have a dream that my dick is inside a device that looks like a Smurf’s conveyor-belt. As the real girls sit in some far away dorm room adjusting levels like Pro Tools engineers, I can feel their virtual asses and pussies gyrating against my knob.

When I feel a smack against my head, I’ll remove my gigantic C3P0 helmet and see my wife standing before me in the living room, red-eyed with rage and tears. I will point to the computer and scream back at her:

“Honey, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT? I’m in here tryin’ to work!“

-BENJAMIN LEO

Follow Benjamin’s tweets on @Street_Carnage

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This entry was posted on 01.20.10 at 10:23 am by Benjamin Leo. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 2.0 feed. You can E-mail it to a friend.

36 Comments

Lube Gherig Says:

Smurf’s Conveyorbelt FTW

01.20.10 at 10:41 am
whitestuff Says:

hahahaha smurf’s conveyorbelt, i lolled.

01.20.10 at 11:02 am
MLK Says:

Happy me day!

01.20.10 at 11:07 am
Mesbah Says:

LOL, brillant again!

01.20.10 at 11:18 am
Loosey Fur Says:

Am I the only one who thinks that buying one of these things is a step away from being that guy who lives with a manequin?

I refuse to believe that men would actually buy a device like this even if it was cheap. For a gender that supposedly loves sex so much it’s funny that I could barely get my ex-boyfriends to get it up after a year or real smooshing. I just can’t see men going through all that trouble when they can just jack off.

01.20.10 at 11:34 am
JuCIFéUR 2000 Says:

No no no, future-sex will be with canister-type robots like R2D2…

<IF HORNY)

01.20.10 at 11:43 am
JuCIFéUR 2000 Says:

<IF HORNY)

01.20.10 at 11:44 am
JuCIFéUR 2000 Says:

<IF HORNY

/END IF>

01.20.10 at 11:44 am
LemonSqueezy Says:

Best post in forever

01.20.10 at 11:51 am
silly little mongoose Says:

married dudes are weird.

01.20.10 at 12:01 pm
lol@u Says:

Yeah well, I still jerk off manually.

01.20.10 at 12:15 pm
ty Says:

…i just fuck women.

01.20.10 at 12:16 pm
Dyke Van Dick Says:

Once again, so glad I’m not married.

01.20.10 at 12:31 pm
Salad Says:

Hookers are hurting the computer sex market.

01.20.10 at 12:58 pm
Anonymous Says:

Im trying to fucking work here, god damn women!

01.20.10 at 1:01 pm
Ugly Matron Says:

Why would anybody want to fuck hot girls?

01.20.10 at 1:27 pm
lol@lol@u Says:

i like your style dude.

01.20.10 at 2:29 pm
Anonymous Says:

best post, hands down, in forvever

01.20.10 at 2:42 pm
HOMO Says:

yeah, more of this dude, less of ARVIND

01.20.10 at 3:42 pm
mark "k-punk" fisher Says:

why don’t you just dream about fucking real girls who like you? i thought that’s what porn was trying to substitute in the first place.

01.20.10 at 4:42 pm
Pete Campbell Says:

Articles like this are better when they’re written by someone who’s actually experienced the device. When that happens, the article morphs into one of those useful little ditties we call “product reviews.” Give it a whirl, film it, post it. If you’re worried about remaining anonymous, wear a voodoo mask or something. This is not rocket science.

01.20.10 at 4:56 pm
BrooklynChimp Says:

Good shit Benji– but,

“shit is about as titillating as a crushed Haitian.”

really?

01.20.10 at 4:57 pm
seriously now Says:

jackie treehorn treats objects like women, man.

01.20.10 at 5:35 pm
kure kure takora Says:

who jerks off for a half an hour? 10 minutes and i’m doing something else

01.20.10 at 5:37 pm
seriously now Says:

it’ll suck your cock for a thousand dollars.

01.20.10 at 5:38 pm
Donkey Kong Says:

epic

01.20.10 at 8:21 pm
Vane$$a Says:

Can you imagine the meetings RE: potential lawsuits that the folks at RealTouch have with their insurance agent?

Why are you moderating me?

01.20.10 at 8:40 pm
Crowbar Says:

great stuff.

01.20.10 at 8:57 pm
Seth Phalogia Says:

aldous huxley 8, george orwell 6 – three cheers, feelies are here

01.20.10 at 10:17 pm
Chinchillah Says:

‘… as a crushed Haitian’ is a bad joke, cold, not ‘hip’ remark.

01.21.10 at 2:11 am
Crushed Hatian Says:

BAWWWWWWWWW

01.21.10 at 8:36 am
WHAThaveU Says:

The new technology permits us to do exciting things with interactive erotic software. Wave of the future, Dude. One hundred percent electronic!

01.21.10 at 9:26 am
Anonymous Says:

ty fucks (women)

01.21.10 at 10:52 am
Psychic Kokomo Says:

There’s this new Haitian boy band that totally blows away Gaga and that Klesha girl combined, have you heard of them?

They’re called New Blocks on the Kids!

01.21.10 at 3:48 pm
Anonymous Says:

very honest, very funny

01.21.10 at 5:04 pm
Cuntegonde Says:

SEX PACKETS.

01.22.10 at 1:45 am

STREET BONER 1682

There’s a certain look girls have where you can just tell her boyfriend sucks and you could probably sweep her off her feet.

E-mail it! | 2 Comments

STREET BONER 1681

Looks like Dora the Explorer is all growed up and ready to party!

E-mail it! | 7 Comments

STREET BONER 1680

This is just as ridiculous as Beyoncé doing shampoo ads for “blondes.”

E-mail it! | 7 Comments

STREET BONER 1679

Meet the exception to the “Women are attracted to confidence” rule.

E-mail it! | 16 Comments

STREET CARNAGE is mostly a website that features street fashion critiques called STREET BONERS and compilations of bad television called TV CARNAGE. The site also has a blog, a radio show, and regularly features video shorts made by Gavin and Derrick.

STREET CARNAGE is also a live presentation you can have in your town where Gavin shows a Street Boners "Best Of" and Derrick shows his latest TV Carnage endeavors.

STREET BONERS will eventually be compiled into a huge book which will feature hundreds of pages of Boners as well as contributions from Chloe Sevigny, Debbie Harry, Fred Armisen, Tim & Eric and many more.

Derrick makes videos for various bands as well as his own movies. His most recent project is called "Cop Movie" and is comprised of about three dozen different cop movies and he also has a workout video coming out that is made up of a million disgusting workout tapes. Gavin does freelance writing for TV, film and magazines and they both do funny acting stuff as well as other hilarious video shit we'll tell you about later. They are both dicks.