It produces tremendous sadness among consenting adults. A terrifyingly disheartening experience, it causes great distrust between couples. A neglected, regrettable cubbyhole of human sexuality, it has ruined thousands of relationships.
When a woman’s vagina wrecks a tender moment with a loud, unexpected expulsion of Cunt Gas, what is the discerning gentleman to do? When the giant slimy clam opens its mouth and belches, what is the proper etiquette? Do you ignore it…or try to console her…or do you tell her how truly repelled you are? Or do you reply with a friendly fart of your own?
Even if she only does it once, and even if you don’t tell your parents or clergymen about it, her slovenly vaginal eructation will always be in the back of your mind, forever destroying any hopes for total intimacy. It’s something you need to talk about with your physician and your marriage counselor, and even if they’re helpful, the damage may have already been done.
Gents, we’re talking about pussy farts. Beaver burps. Muff music. Queefs. The medical term, “vaginal flatulence,” sounds like the name of a death-metal band. But whatever you call it, at least call it “disgusting.”
Since it typically happens during moments of sexual rapture, at those rare, blessed moments when men and women share each others’ bodies and spirits in the fullness of what it means to be a Sexual Being, the pussy fart is perhaps the single most disgusting and soul-destroying bodily function known to mankind. Unfortunate human realities such as body odor and anal mishaps are the domain of both sexes; vaginal flatulence, like menstruation, belongs in a Realm of Disgust exclusive to the fairer sex. Both male and female genitals can be seen, touched, tasted, and smelled. But only the vagina boldly ventures into the fifth sense—that of sound.
Flurpf! Fwomp! Blurp! Flap! Splat! Thar she blows! A warm, wet, stinky blast from the vaginal steamhole. How charming. How dainty. How thoroughly ladylike. Even without vaginal flatulence, the female procreative organs are a repulsive parfait of mucus membranes intermittently exploding with blood; the pussy fart is the cherry on top, proving forevermore that WOMEN CAN BE ICKY.
So whenever a group of women start raggin’ about how all men are disgusting, all you need to do is say two words:
“PUSSY FARTS.”
The room will become silent. The women will either slink away in shame or attack you en masse.
Millions of American women not-so-silently endure the humiliation and social stigma of involuntary vaginal flatulence. What’s worse is that there’s no way to tell whether a potential mate will be prone to queefing. It’s not like the vagina is a coal mine and you can send a canary in there to test whether it’s safe.
I have a friend who, back in his high-school days, dated a gal who once pussy-farted nonstop for a half-minute after he withdrew his meatbone from her.
It was to be their last date. The next day in school, he told everyone of her vagina’s didgeridoo-like performance. They all laughed and started making cruel farting noises whenever she’d walk by them in the hallway. She was emotionally crushed and probably became a nun or a stripper.
I once knew a girl who queefed so much, it was as if her cunt was a set of worn bagpipes hiding under her tartan schoolgirl dress. Her slit was a frickin’ whoopie cushion. She spent much of our relationship speaking through a muff megaphone. She was ashamed of her relentlessly belching cuntflaps. Her mortification at queefing was directly tied to the hatred she bore for her vagina, which was directly tied to her guilt, which was directly tied to her low self-esteem, which was directly tied to the lowness of her self. She localized her self-hatred in the act of queefing, rather than the proper place, i.e. her entire being.
And yet, maybe we’re looking in all the wrong places, too. One often mistakenly searches for profound answers amid the tangible and pragmatic. As we all know, the vagina is a gateway into the mystical. Perhaps the reason we can find no concrete answers about the pussy fart is that it’s hard to find spiritual things stuck amid common, vile sewage.
Is it possible that a pussy fart is actually the voice of the Goddess? Does a queefing cunt serve as some sort of Vaginal Oracle? Is that the voice of the Mother of All Creation speaking through the meat curtain? Is the pussy fart some sort of Lost Chord leading us all into a glorious, thousand-year gynocracy? Viewed in such a celestial light, the vagina becomes a spiritual vessel, sort of like a tooth filling that receives radio transmissions. And perhaps the message is urgent, like a dog trying to lead villagers to a child trapped down a well.
Maybe it sounds like dolphinspeak to us because our technology is too crude, our fall from grace too complete, to ever understand what Goddess is trying to say when she speaks through a pussy fart.
One mouth is never enough for a woman. Maybe we aren’t listening closely enough, and maybe there is a message deep inside those talking vaginas, if we can only get past our understandable disgust.
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wow. that was just….wow. I’d be pretty fucking offended if you weren’t such an amazing writer so…thank you.
11.07.08 at 3:21 pm
“Her mortification at queefing was directly tied to the hatred she bore for her vagina, which was directly tied to her guilt, which was directly tied to her low self-esteem, which was directly tied to the lowness of her self. She localized her self-hatred in the act of queefing, rather than the proper place, i.e. her entire being.”
THESE ARE THE GIRLS THAT WILL LET YOU DO….ANYTHING…. HAHAHAHA
11.07.08 at 3:25 pm
aaaaaaahahahahah!! best fucking post ever
11.07.08 at 3:50 pm
the blond on the far left should definitely have a higher ranking than the asian.
11.07.08 at 3:56 pm
have you ever done a search for queefs on youtube?
11.07.08 at 3:56 pm
goad is at the top of his game, that tumour wasn’t where the funny was after all… it was queefing all over the funny and now it’s been silenced. I wish my dick was as big as a large jambe, like the jambe of a bodybuilder or rosie o donnel so I could silence the queef even the queef of the most loose poose on a carnie wilson look a like I’ve been suckling
best solution to qhronic queefers is switch to all anal
11.07.08 at 4:14 pm
is this semi-serious? like….do men not know where queefs come from? sinky, gas?? you’re wrong, my friend. if a girl queefs a lot…you’re fucking her wrong. quit pushing so much damn air up inside of her.
11.07.08 at 4:27 pm
sorry to do this but… http://www.rocketpack.org/raymi-cunt_trumpet_music.html
11.07.08 at 4:28 pm
it goes nowhere, it does nothing, it has no point.
queef queef cunt! you people are idiots. Goad is a good writer, but this goes nowhere. yawncunt
11.07.08 at 5:34 pm
if you can’t stand the queef, get out of the quitchen.
11.07.08 at 5:47 pm
9 — 6 — whatever — 7 – 6 – 6
11.07.08 at 5:48 pm
Very interesting–but my queefs result when I am fukkin a dude who has a small dick!
Not enuf toad to fit in the hole…and baby I am tighter than a 14yr old Nun–ya gotta believe me…
Ladies? Can I get a wha wha???
11.07.08 at 6:08 pm
wow! blognigger sure is a good writer
and he’s so funny tooo
also he is so funny wow!
yay he talks about fucking
yay wow!
11.07.08 at 6:43 pm
i think it’s just a result of too much belly restriction. if you’re relaxed, your vagina will not make noise. it’s nice to look hot, but sucking in will result in a queef.
jim is gay, right? because that was great writing for a gay man.
11.07.08 at 6:59 pm
Blognigger, you are at the top of your game, man!
11.07.08 at 7:23 pm
gotta agree with the girls. queefs are your dick’s fault.
11.07.08 at 7:34 pm
second from left is less numbered than far right
and that’s a fact
11.07.08 at 7:45 pm
how the fuck do you write this much about queefs?!
11.07.08 at 8:40 pm
just like a woman to blame nasty queefs on the brothas, own you pussy shame.
11.07.08 at 8:51 pm
am i a perv for thinking they’re a turn-on?
11.07.08 at 9:01 pm
I once dated a girl who insisted once on rolling back on her shoulders and trying to induce queefing, with a 25% success rate. I suspect this was because she let a pretty loud queef go while we were fucking previously, and she wanted to de-fang the whole experience.
11.07.08 at 9:21 pm
your dicks fault for pushing all that air up there! (though it is worth a blush)
11.07.08 at 9:41 pm
wow, looks like some one whipped out the ol thesaurus for this one.
11.07.08 at 10:07 pm
Cunt farts are hot.
11.07.08 at 11:36 pm
pussy farts are hot
11.08.08 at 12:15 am
is this about president-elect?
11.08.08 at 3:18 am
It’s the air that your tiny little dick is pushing inside her. You are a fucking retard Mr. Goad.
11.08.08 at 5:15 pm
Rot de plote!!
11.09.08 at 1:24 pm
the 7 on the left is a 8…
you should correct that
11.09.08 at 4:56 pm
Man, dont be a fucking baby. Those farts are cute and got no smell at all. I love them, they’re the cutest little thing on earth, and they improve intimacy a great deal. I laugh at them. Joyously laugh at them, resounding all my love in constant displays of affection. Oh yes. Good writing, though.
11.09.08 at 6:02 pm
Oh yeah! Pussy farts are so cute… Cute like poop…
11.09.08 at 10:39 pm
umm, it’s air. this article is gay.
11.10.08 at 6:45 am
Saying “umm” is gay. Calling things “gay” is gay, too, but not as gay as saying “umm.”
11.10.08 at 9:21 am
Why do you care? not all guys do–only really douche-y guys like that ex-junkie digital video artist from awhile back. That type of guy cares. Girls: DON’T MARRY THAT GUY. If you do, he will become one of those overweight husbands shuffling around trying to find things he can’t understand at Strand and hitting on ugly 18-year-olds at the bar. If he is grossed out by your clam burp, take it as a bad omen and end the relationship immediately. And if he ends it first, don’t fret–it’s for the best.
11.10.08 at 1:09 pm
if you plug your butt you will not queef. it’s impossible.
11.10.08 at 1:52 pm
WAH? The release of air pumped into our bodies because we let you fuck us? OH GOD.
We as women should be so ashamed.
To be human.
(BTW: this is not good writing.)
11.11.08 at 12:20 am
this was amazing
u r a gud writer. lol. im definitely gonna bring this up in a conversation
11.21.08 at 12:28 am
hey guys, i’m a very cute girl with a tight pussy that had never queefed until I was fucked badly. learn to be better in bed and queefs wont happen. I hope when you heard it you were going down on her and it was in your face cause you deserve it for being a terrible lover. in fact, she has the right to slap you after she queefs in your face cause while you’re pushing all that air up there in a most unpleasant fashion, she’s wondering how to gently instruct you without you losing your hard on, stupid fuck. I don’t have anal mishaps, either. I’m a vegetarian and my shit smells like fruit
11.27.08 at 2:42 am
oh yeah, and I’m a vegetarian cause I’m smarter than you are.
11.27.08 at 2:43 am
It’s not flatulence. Do you think girls have some kind of vaginal colon that produces its own gas? Do you know what a vagina is?
03.19.09 at 2:05 pm
Queefs are hot. It normally happens when a dude with a fat dick is taking is dick all the way out in doggy and pushing it back in. Annie is right it’s not gas. How the fuck could a pussy produce it’s own gas? It’s air being pushed into the pussy and when it comes out the vibration feels great on your dick. I find it highly erotic and kinky! Girls it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I would be disappointed if I couldnt make my girl queef. I think she likes it too now that she knows its not gross at all. If you have a skinny dick it’s actually hard to make a girl queef as there plent of room for air to escape with out making noise. When a pussy queefs it’s normally cause it was fucked good and hard!!
03.29.09 at 12:51 pm
I have a girfriend she doesnt like when her pussy farts but i luv it and they not gross at all i lov the sound of it when i push my fat dick in it and is not thru about small dicks cuz i been haven a lot of women diferent race and ages and all of them fart some loud some quiet but all do but i tell u guys and girls dont be same as other ppl b diferent open mind .
12.04.09 at 9:51 am
mm I love when she sits on my face, ride my nose with her pussy and farts.
03.01.10 at 7:58 pm
? ????? ????? ??????? ?????????? ??? ? ????
03.01.10 at 8:00 pm
They’re just “pussy farts” or “queefs” some Brits call them “fanny farts”…as said by other posters it’s just trapped air and quite natural. I cannot believe all the negativity on the web I find about this natural occurance. A farting pussy to me means a happy pussy. It’s wet! It’s relaxed! and for God sake…it’s talking to me!! It’s saying I’m doing it right!! LOL ! There is no foul odor. IT’S JUST AIR! So lighten up and enjoy yourselves. Ladies should not be embarrassed and guys should grow up. PEACE!
03.03.10 at 11:59 am
This is the single most hilarious piece of writing I’ve ever read. The author is a perverse genius… it really is great writing…. The other day I was fucking my girl really hard from behind and I had the fattest boner ever and after I pulled out she leaned over to the side and let out a five second queef… it was hilarious and I’ve been joking around with her about it since… I also made her squirt that day too… so I told her that I made her pussy do some tricks haha
07.22.10 at 9:23 am
urgh if theres a fart and the room fills with awkward silence then you know your fucking the wrong guy, laugh it off fellas. and hey, if you dont like it try not to get so much air in there, espesh when doggying.
07.23.10 at 9:37 pm
Have a wife with a queefing cunt for more than 10 years. So some first hand/cock experience here.
No, it is not always the penis, that pumps air in. My wife’s cunt queefed since she was 16 and was only masturbating her clit. The cunt can suck in air all by itself as muscles contract and expand during sexual arousal. Her cunt still works like that after nearly 20 years. And yes, she queefs intensively with sexual enjoyment and never without it. So the greater her enjoyment, the louder is her queef. It’s music to my ear, because its instant feedback that I am doing something very right to her.
So to fellow men: no, you are not doing something wrong, if you hear this heavenly trumpet. Just keep pounding.
08.17.10 at 5:57 am