Some people say humans have the capacity to utilize dozens of means of physiological perception. Beyond sight, sound, taste and touch, a lot of new age know-it-alls claim we can tap into the “mind’s eye” or WHATEVER, thus pulling a Haley Joel Osment a la The Sixth Sense. Yeah, right. How about pulling all of your nutrients from the sun, while you’re at it? Or focusing your “chi” to make people’s brain muscles shut down? I call bullshit on all this pseudo-hippie hootenanny. While these mystical science dudes keep trying to communicate with plants (Who do they think they are? Wilhelm Reich or something?), I’m going to take a moment to appreciate the finest human sense: Stench.
The following is a review of my three most beloved smells as well as my three top hated odors. People tell me I have weird taste (at least all my ex-girlfriends do) and they’re probably right, so you may not find some of these PERFECT smells so pleasant or you may not find some of these FUCKING AWFUL smells so smelly, but whatever the case, next time you stop to smell the roses, take a humble moment to remember you’re missing out on some of the more daring and exotic scents to grace the human nostril.
GOOD SMELL #1: GASOLINE
Back in middle school I knew this kid who used to chew on a gas-soaked rag all day. I guess he liked the taste all right and the mind-raping high even better. I think he hanged himself a while back, but that’s not the point. The point is, hellooo! Gasoline smells GREAT! Every time I go to fill up my tank at the local Liberty Station, I get a good whiff of euphoric diesel smell. Gasoline, oil, kerosene—they all smell good. I’m sorry if one huff can theoretically kill you, but come on, live it up a little. That acrid odor just hits your face with a whollop and POW! Euphoria. Whenever I pump gas, I always try to spill a little on my hands so I can carry the wonderful gas smell around with me all day long.
GOOD SMELL #2: MUSTY
I don’t know what it is that causes this smell, but I’m sure not complaining. Ever go down in a dark and dank cellar? It smells like death and earth and dried up bugs have just been fermenting down there for centuries. I find this one comforting; it has a sort of timeless quality to it, like you’re smelling the same shit as your long-dead pioneer ancestors. Sometimes old people can accumulate this smell too and that’s fine with me. You go to hug grandpa and you end up stinking like moldy dirt for days, ahhhhh! A lot of old books get this smell after a while so when you crack open the cover of a 1st edition DH Lawrence or something you get hit smack in the face. I guess it’s just the smell of fungus and decay and stuff, but I’d prefer this one to remain a mystery.
GOOD SMELL #3: PUSSY
Sure, I may be a pervert, granted, but ask any self-respecting male (or dyke for that matter) and I will have an ARMY of support. All of them different yet eerily similar, beef curtains aren’t the prettiest things to look at (neither are dicks for that matter) yet they smell like heaven. An aromatic mixture of blood, sweat and some weird fluids I understand nothing about makes for one good vagina cocktail. Whenever I try to explain this to girls they get all grossed out. I guess the misconception is vaginas smell like fish, but I have no clue where someone got this idea. Fish are stupid and awful-smelling “animals” that have NOTHING to do with cooch. Personally, as long as maintenance and upkeep are decent, it smells as nice as a fresh cut lawn down there to me.
BAD SMELL #1: CHILDREN
First they pop out screaming and covered in goop. Next they turn into little shit and piss and puke factories for a couple of years. Finally, once they get some semblance of a conscious, they’re still too stupid to be ashamed of their own filth. Nothing smells worse than a little kid. Having done some work as both a babysitter AND a summer camp counselor, I have experienced this firsthand. They roll around in the dirt all day, smear slimy food all over their hands and faces and then expect YOU to clean it all up. I suppose it’ll all be “worth it” when I’m actually a parent, but just barely, I’m sure. Here’s looking forward to eighteen years of wiping up some lil’ bastard’s snot and blood and cum. UGH.
BAD SMELL #2: PET SHOPS
What is it with pet shops? I would have picked the slaughterhouse for number two, but I think places like PetSmart are actually worse. Instead of the smell of blood you’re bombarded with the smell of shit. All different kinds of shit; mice shit, snake shit, bird shit, cat shit, lizard shit, guinea pig shit, ferret shit, dog shit, rabbit shit and Christ only knows what else. Animal food always smells funny, no matter how expensive (thanks, FANCYFEAST). The critters eat their own ca ca and then spit it around everywhere, I’ve seen it happen.
BAD SMELL #3: RICH PEOPLE
If you have a lot of money, you’re going to end up smelly. Now, I’ve smelled some nasty crust punks and liquored up bums, but there’s something endearing about the stink of poverty. The wealthy are willing to spend fortunes on perfumes and oils and scented candles, resulting in an unbearably overwhelming hyper-good smell. This is just another reason rich people suck. Stop dousing yourself with cologne, dude! It’s intoxicatingly fierce!
-Mathew Lee
Leave a Reply
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
GOOD SMELL #4: NEW TIRES
05.01.09 at 6:49 pm
THE ACTUAL GOOD SMELL #1 : BRAND NEW MONEY
05.01.09 at 6:57 pm
Spot on with the #3. Anticipitory is the best, ID glide has nothing on that slickness. Good smell #4: Greenhouse after water system goes off. Bad smell #4: Any appendage that has just had an 8 week cast popped off of it.
05.01.09 at 7:08 pm
Bad smell #4: The Mall. Cinnabon by itself is good, Cinnabon mixed with Bed, Bath & Beyond plus a variety of other cut-rate perfume-y smells makes my nose want to turn inside out.
05.01.09 at 7:26 pm
I like that smell that industrial copiers make. I’m told it’s ozone.
05.01.09 at 7:33 pm
Rich people smell good.
BAD SMELL: Handful of change.
05.01.09 at 7:35 pm
new house smell.
05.01.09 at 7:54 pm
The smell of a brand new book. Especially if you stole that book. Double especially if the book is Letters to Penthouse Volume XXII.
05.01.09 at 8:07 pm
phisohex has always smelled horrible to me, and meth.
05.01.09 at 9:16 pm
GOOD SMELL #5 SAW DUST
GOOD SMELL #6 JIZZ (only bodily fluid that smells clean, like bleach — although I could never swallow the shit)
BAD SMELL #4 CROTCHES after about 2-3 days of not showering. Only dudes seem be unaware of this.
BAD SMELL #5 FORMALDEHYDE probably exclusively from personal experience in anatomy class, but I couldn’t shake the smell nor the sight of dead roast-beef cadavers for days afterwards.
05.01.09 at 9:30 pm
Good: New shoes or a new car and yes, clean pussy.
Bad: Nursing homes and overweight people, I’m guessing in between the folds is where the smell comes from.
05.01.09 at 9:36 pm
i don’t like cocaine,i just like the smell of it.
05.01.09 at 9:58 pm
How come things that smell REALLY good don’t taste good? Gasoline. Glade Plug-In. Raisinets. Etc. I thought scent was inextricably linked to taste. Anybody a scientist?
05.01.09 at 10:46 pm
This sucked, you aint funny.
Also, learn proper punctuation and syntax, motherfucker.
05.01.09 at 11:48 pm
Again, fuck you. Learn smell: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuuwgmT3STM
05.01.09 at 11:54 pm
AWFULDEARFUCKINGLORDKILLMENOW SMELL: Live poultry shops in any major city.
05.02.09 at 12:05 am
Gasoline!!!
05.02.09 at 12:44 am
other good smells
pinesol
whiteout
diesel exhaust
rubbercement
erasers
human scalp
i little brain damage never killed anyone except for those people that died.
05.02.09 at 3:26 am
This is what Open Mic is all about. Heed and just keep heeding, you insufferable bores (you too, Blognigger, you’re almost there).
05.02.09 at 5:05 am
Not going to read this, can someone just give me a quick run down about what its about, i mean i havent got all day to spend reading this shit then writing witty comments at the end, i have stuff to do you know.
Bollocks.
05.02.09 at 7:28 am
Good smell: Library books
05.02.09 at 10:17 am
wilhelm reich is my boy. did you know he invented the french tickler?
05.02.09 at 1:40 pm
that picture looks like it is of monster boners in outer space!
05.02.09 at 1:42 pm
oh shit dog that is basically a rorshach (spelling dogs?) test telling me I am gay for monsters?
05.02.09 at 1:44 pm
i gotta go with lawrence of suburbia here. Good Smell #10: Co-co-co-co-cocaine!
05.02.09 at 3:59 pm
liked this article.
good smells – grilling meat. weed. pine needles.
05.02.09 at 5:35 pm
Ain’t nothin smells better than Liberty Station Gas.
05.02.09 at 8:18 pm
stop letting these fucking morons write this shit. it is not fun to read.
05.02.09 at 9:11 pm
horse shit, i fucking love the smell of horse shit. also, freshly cut grass
05.02.09 at 9:29 pm
what about your own farts? why has no one mentioned own farts?
and own shit for that matter. i love to smell my own shit.
05.02.09 at 9:42 pm
I like the smell of skunk. it smells so earthy and natural and there is something oddly familiar about it
HATE the yankee candle store, I plug my nose every time I walk by that shit. I don’t know how anyone could work there
05.02.09 at 11:37 pm
“once they get some semblance of a conscious”
CONSCIENCE
for fuck’s sake
05.03.09 at 12:11 am
libraries, blockbuster stores, kinkos, old movie theatres, menstrual blood, hot pavement and puppies smell amazing.
hate the smell of fresh produce, cologne, day old newspaper, and vegetarian’s breath
05.03.09 at 11:50 am
Second Blockbuster stores (though only Blockbuster for some reason); also: photo developing chemicals
05.03.09 at 9:45 pm
menstrual blood? really dude? shit is fucking rank
05.04.09 at 12:42 am
Sawdust is where its at. Also the smell of skin after its been baked in sun.
05.04.09 at 9:08 am
Crust punks smell like shit and I hate them and want to blast them all with a high pressured hose. Argh. There is no point in them existing.
I work in childcare and there are lot’s of smells there. The kids smell nice at the start of the day, when they are freshly washed. But by the afternoon they smell like a combination of milk/pooey baby wipes/canned fruit and sand.
The best smell is ripe mangos and also rain when it’s hot.
02.08.10 at 3:06 am