Despite being the “Crossroads of America,” I don’t think the rest of America really remembers Indiana exists. The only people who really give a fuck about this state are the 400,000 rednecks that congregate every May on the south side of Indianapolis for “The Greatest Spectacle in Racing.” For all you assholes who don’t happen to follow auto-racing, that’s the Indy 500, duh! People travel from around the world to witness, as I’d like to think of it, a way seedier Kentucky Derby. With cars. Oh, and instead of the horses only going around the track once, the cars go around the track 200 times. It takes way longer. So that means there’s more time for beer, tits and sunburns.
I live and go to school in Bloomington, Indiana. It’s a nice college town tucked away in the hills of Monroe County. If you don’t want to read this, just watch the movie “Breaking Away,” and you’ll find out everything you need to know about Bloomington. It’s one of the greatest sports movies of all time, starring Dennis Quaid.
Just like any other college town, Bloomington has inflated beer and weed prices and a whole lot of assholes trying to find themselves. Since Indiana University also has one of the nation’s top business schools, there are a lot of douchey frat-bros that like to refer to each other as “faggot.” In order to house all of these invalids and their girlfriends, a handful or fraternities and sororities have been littered throughout campus. Most of these hell holes are concentrated on Third Street. It’s near impossible to ride your bike down this particular road without someone yelling “bike fag,” or “Lance.”
Only 17% of students participate in Greek life at Indiana University, meaning the other 83% have to fit in some other sort of social stereotype. My personal favorite are the crust punks that hang out in the downtown area. You can most likely find their smelly, dreadlocked, shitty-tattooed, Earth Crisis-loving, hairy asses occupying a seat at the local coffee shop sipping on a five dollar soy latte. Since Bloomington is a college town, that means a good portion of its’ residents are still living off their parents’ money, including the crust punks, which is really fucking funny. Anarchy? Yeah right.
Oh, and because being hip is so hip right now, a new crop of shitty laptop DJs have appeared, playing at another stupid dance party near you. Living here makes you want to hear Daft Punk no more times and kind of ruined M.I.A. for anyone that doesn’t suck.
Wait! But, no! Bloomington isn’t awful as I’ve made it sound. SHIT. Bloomington is so great. You can walk or ride your (fixed gear) bike everywhere. The farmer’s market is unlike any other. You can find any sort of ethnic restaurant you could ever imagine within two blocks. There is a MICROBREWERY. Upland Brewing Company makes the best IPA ever, and they have very tasty seasonals. Bars, bars, bars.
There is also good music. I promise. Epic weekends are made of basement shows, sitting on porches when the weather is nice enough, 32s of Miller High Life and a whole lot of PBR. The cops never really mind the loud music. Unless you are a fraternity hosting a DMX concert. Then they get really fucking pissed and start spraying everyone with mace. (That actually happened.) There are good record stores, good music venues. A lot of good bands play in Bloomington thanks to the fact that the record label, Secretly Canadian, is based here. Bloomington is a thriving little arts community amidst vast fields of corn. It may not be Williamsburg, but it’s good enough.
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I’m booking my flight right now!
05.27.08 at 9:31 am
who’s the asshole who sent this in? sounds like any other midwestern college town. get out and see the world you stupid piece of shit.
05.27.08 at 11:13 am
It’s no Williamsburg alright.
05.27.08 at 11:44 am
holy shit amy, i thought klint was lying when he told me about this thing. congrats i guess. i hope you got paid.
05.27.08 at 11:49 am
This must be one of those genius 13-year-olds that they let into college. Except without the genius part.
05.27.08 at 12:31 pm
champaign-urbana’s better if you’re looking for cozy crummy midwest
05.27.08 at 12:54 pm
More like “Blow-mington.”
05.27.08 at 1:05 pm
bloomington fucking rules bitches.
05.27.08 at 1:11 pm
giiiiiirl!
congrats, it’s a fine piece of journalism!
now, come back to the city you rant and rave about!
05.27.08 at 1:24 pm
I want a scene report from somewhere totally out of the way next time, like a an Indian Reservation or Tampa Bay. Or maybe not that shitty….
05.27.08 at 1:34 pm
who wrote this shit??! an eight year old easily impressed by any semblance of bullshit hipsterdom, obviously.
“Wait! But, no! Bloomington isn’t awful as I’ve made it sound. SHIT. Bloomington is so great. You can walk or ride your (fixed gear) bike everywhere. The farmer’s market is unlike any other. You can find any sort of ethnic restaurant you could ever imagine within two blocks. There is a MICROBREWERY. Upland Brewing Company makes the best IPA ever, and they have very tasty seasonals. Bars, bars, bars.”
fucking christ. fuck your town and fuck your fixed gear, amy.
05.27.08 at 1:45 pm
OMG a microbrewery!?!?!!
also… where is this “good music” you are promising? I’ve yet to find it in this fucking town.
05.27.08 at 1:52 pm
Usually I don’t agree w/ fraternity types….but hats off for yelling “bike fag” at anyone who would type “or ride your (fixed gear) bike”. Oh yeah, almost forgot….MIA is fucking terrible, Surly Furious is the best IPA, every farmer’s market is the same shit….blah blah blah
05.27.08 at 2:18 pm
College towns are all the same. If you’ve been to one you’ve been to them all.
05.27.08 at 2:27 pm
Say I’m drenched in PBR and traveling by fixed gear, how long would it take to get to Gary? I needs me some PCP. Wait, Gavin did say PCP was hip in ‘08 right?
05.27.08 at 2:29 pm
I live in Bloomington, and I’d have to agree that college towns are all pretty much the same. And MIA sucks.
05.27.08 at 3:40 pm
Amazing.
Thanks for using Rob’s photo at the top, it might help boost his minimal self-confidence.
05.27.08 at 3:47 pm
Holy mother of god, someone get this steaming pile of hipster wordplay out of my mind. I hope you go to another college town and realize everything you’ve written is a complete generalization. Hats off to making people want to kill themselves over journalism
05.27.08 at 10:15 pm
yo youngblood, you got shit for brains you know that? now gimme a cigarette.
05.27.08 at 11:45 pm
reading this and thinking its a good representation of bloomington is like watching a girls gone wild commercial and expecting every college girl to walk around topless. bravo you’re slowly but surely killing the english language and making us all dumber
05.28.08 at 2:24 am
i would go see a band called “surly furious”
05.28.08 at 2:37 am
i think i was a tad too harsh in my previous comment, amy does make a very good point: all one really needs to do is “watch the movie “Breaking Away,” to “find out everything you need to know about Bloomington.” the character interaction in the movie truly epitomizes the peculiar subtleties of bloomington’s “scene.”
Take for instance the part when cyril rolls up to moocher’s house on his fixed gear with a case of pbr and they munch down on some ethnic eats and prank call random williamsburg hotels… Then those dastardly italians make dave wreck his bike during a big race and he gets all depressed, his dad has a heart attack, and moocher copes with a debilitating methamphetamine addiction.
it’s just a typical bloomington day and a prime example of the hoosier spirit!
05.28.08 at 5:40 am
“Since Bloomington is a college town, that means a good portion of its’ residents are still living off their parents’ money”
prime example- the author. use your talent and write something real.
05.28.08 at 4:56 pm
This is bullshit.
Amy, you like laptop DJs. Hence, the picture of you going crazy at the Girl Talk show.. who sucks, and don’t act like avoid any of those parties.
And what are you talking shit on the coffee shops for? I know you do your homework at Soma, which is the epicenter of all these kids, and you know it.
Granted, I hated bloomington when I was there as well, but it had nothing to do with how unhip things were or the crust punk’s parent paradox. Speaking of which, don’t you live off your parents’ money too? there is nothing inherently wrong with that, but don’t call out others who are doing the same.
05.28.08 at 5:01 pm
suck it!
05.28.08 at 6:16 pm
amy u r faggotz
05.28.08 at 7:34 pm
everyone who does not live in brooklyn is faggotz
05.28.08 at 7:35 pm
brooklyn is the last-stand stronghold for the haggard survivors trying to beat off the endless zombie-like legions of the faggotacalypse
05.28.08 at 7:36 pm
Fucking hipster.
05.28.08 at 8:42 pm
I hope you have friends in a week.
05.28.08 at 9:20 pm
Dag, harsh comments. You speak some truth, but you are a part of a lot of these things you denounce. I do like the wording. And it sounds like all the other shit on this website, so I would have guessed it to be much more welcomed by those who seemingly subscribe to some trendy modern journalism.
05.29.08 at 1:00 pm
And oi, Amy, what the fuck happened to all the sweet photos I’ve taken of Rob playing in bands that are actually in focus? Also, what’s with the picture of a bunch of dudes from Indianapolis?
05.29.08 at 2:25 pm
I was directed to this article recently by a friend; I has no idea wut a “Street Carnage” iz cuz us Indiana folks hasn’t been learnd good yet.
Anyway…
I’ve lived here 3 years now. I love it here and I’m glad to see anyone who think it’s beneath them leave (or never come at all, for that matter). Indiana is a beautiful state, and this town, “college” or not, affords those of us who DO love it quality food, cheap living, (mostly) excellent people, and a small, strong, and varied music “scene,” etc. Bloomington, in my humble opinion, is truly a gem of the Midwestern United States. (See also: Columbia, MO)
Chicago and New York may be nice to visit, but this is my home, and always will be.
The reason I’m responding at all is because this looks to me like another example of a typical, non-contributing, hipster population taking the opportunity to shit talk everything around them on some fashionable, pretentious blog. The same “everything” that gives them their credibility every single time they drop a fucking name in this town. Jesus, move to Williamsburg already.
We’re not all hicks here, but then again, we’re not all hipster assholes, either.
05.29.08 at 7:33 pm
weird that your ass is from Carmel.
how is that NOT living off your parents money?
shut the fuck up freshman,
keep getting into bars that you only get into because you and your friends are sluts.
getting into bars makes you cool, FO RUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLL!!!!!
05.29.08 at 9:33 pm
i have SEEN this girl riding her fucking bike around town, pretending to be the shit.
she hits up the local co op, and soma ALL the time!
she thinks shes subversive because she likes slayer and dresses like a skanky boy, off her parents money, of course. OH! and dont forget that she fucks all these “crusty punk” band douchewads so she feels validated.
bitch wore abercrombie in high school, so dont even START on people trying to “find themselves” in high school, when all YOU are doing is attempting to fit into the bloomington mold that you make fun of.
have fun getting into the parties you cream your pants about next year bitch.
05.29.08 at 9:45 pm
she doesnt even really like us, she just pretends to cause metal is sew in right now. Raining Blood is the only song she knows, i promise.
05.29.08 at 10:50 pm
fuck you amy.
quit tryin to be cool
05.29.08 at 11:19 pm
i want to make a shirt that says “i hated amy auscherman before she thought she was a writer”
who wants one?
05.29.08 at 11:34 pm
I hope everyone comes to the shitty laptop dj party tonight! ALL are welcome.
05.30.08 at 12:53 pm
yo thats me in the green shirt in the last pic. Bloomington’s one of the best college towns in the Midwest but it doesn’t really have shit on a major city. Lots of scenesters but lots of all types of people.
05.30.08 at 2:55 pm
bitch is DONE! hahaaaaa
05.30.08 at 7:30 pm
this “scene report” is indeed bullshit and everything said about the writer is pretty much true. but then again, this whole website is bullshit so who really cares??
05.30.08 at 8:54 pm
I’ll write a fucking “scene report” for Bloomington. Beer. Shows. Douchebags. Decent people. Parties. Not a city. Scene is dying. Fin.
05.31.08 at 9:00 pm
all i gotta say is
lol @ crust punx liking earth crisis
06.01.08 at 9:57 am
just like breaking away? i missed the scene where they buy plaid shirts and keffiyehs from urban outfitters after they just ate at panda express. was that in the directors cut?
and people have complained that the bloomington “scene” is “dying” for probably at least 20 years. finish college and move along, marvin. we’ll do just fine without you.
06.01.08 at 3:13 pm
Bernard speaks truth.
06.01.08 at 5:57 pm
This isn’t a great piece of writing but everyone is missing the point. It’s inviting everyone involved, including the author, to laugh at themselves. Everyone stop taking themselves so damn seriously!
06.02.08 at 10:21 am
theres too much pressure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
06.04.08 at 10:31 pm
arise chicken
06.04.08 at 10:31 pm
i live in bloomington and i dont like this man
06.04.08 at 10:32 pm
yo dewds i love this!
06.04.08 at 10:32 pm
oh yeah booyah!
06.04.08 at 10:33 pm
durrrrrr
06.04.08 at 10:33 pm
i enjoy all your comments thanxx!
06.04.08 at 10:33 pm
this is me and that wasnt me
06.04.08 at 10:34 pm
yo can i hire you?
06.04.08 at 10:35 pm
the pizza in bloomington is prime
06.04.08 at 10:36 pm
that wasnt a crust punx im a true punxxer
06.04.08 at 10:36 pm
amy auscherman give me a bad hand job but its cool i turned gay
06.04.08 at 10:37 pm
gay guys dont say that last comment
06.04.08 at 10:37 pm
dewd chill with that gay shit man but seriously you have a boyfriend crust punx?
06.04.08 at 10:37 pm
yeah its slayer.com/amydoesntlistentoslayer/slayersucksany.html
06.04.08 at 10:38 pm
whats up?
06.04.08 at 10:39 pm
any one have AIM?!
06.04.08 at 10:39 pm
i live in carmel and you guys know where thats at? or what it is? im a true crust punk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
06.04.08 at 10:40 pm
that wasnt me either
06.04.08 at 10:41 pm
quit fucking this blog up!!! zeriouzzzly!!!
06.04.08 at 10:41 pm
i enjoy this fact! im actually thinking about going to iu or somethine maibe like a school in jersey. maibe even princeton but whutever i get into thanks alot i love your writing its kinda like gonzo?! haha i acutally dont know what gonzo is but good luck withe youre futur indevers!
06.04.08 at 10:44 pm
stinky stinky comments guys i love fixed gears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lolzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
( . )( . )
06.04.08 at 10:46 pm
hate rules.
06.05.08 at 1:11 pm
MY TASTE IN MUSIC IS BETTER!!!!!11
MY OPION OF BLOOMINGTON IS RIGHT!!!!11111
SECRETLY CANADIAN IS THE ONLY REASON GROUND BREAKING BANDS WILL PLAY HERE!!!!!
EVER HEARD OF PITCHFORK?!?!?!?!?!
I CALL IT P4K FER SHORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SUX IT WILLIAMSBORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
DO YOU WANNA KNOW ABOUT MY BIKE?!?!?!??!?!??!
GUESS HOW MANY BIKES I’VE TAKEN APART AND REBUILT!!!!!! GUESS!!!!!!
GUESS HOW MANY HANDKERCHIEFS I HAVE!!!!!!!
I DARE YOU!!!!!
GUESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111
IVE MAJORED IN ENGLISH, ART HISTORY, PHOTOGRAPHY, AND EVERY SINGLE FINE ARTS MAJOR THAT IS AVAILABLE. EVEN ONES THAT ARENT AVAILABLE….YET. BFA, UV COURSE!!!!!!!!
seriously though,
i KNOW my music taste is better than every single person out there. every. single. one.
06.06.08 at 5:16 pm
“amy auscherman give me a bad hand job but its cool i turned gay”
so true.
06.20.08 at 9:11 pm
your article pinpoints you in some limbo between jungle room after giving fluffy a handjob while you make out with tyler and his lazy eye just before trying to sneak into the vid. what a bunch of undeduacted babble. crust punks loving earth crisis? last time i checked, they all worked at boxcar books and all love plan-it-x folk punk and country music. i don’t think anyone has been all that into earth crisis since around 2000 when ryan love was still straight edge.
i mean, bloomington dudes just got into track bikes en masse last year, still think they run shit because of that fact, but are always moving up to philly or willyburger “in 2-3 years.” i don’t want to crush your dreams, but union pool and studio b have fallen off. they’re your mecca’s, but you’ll be bummed when your ego amounts to nothing in the sea of nothing that is williamsburg. get vice’s dick off your tonsils cuz you’re just mugging yourselves.
08.03.08 at 10:56 pm
Bloomington does suck but at less there’s lots of good looking girls in Bloomington.
01.18.09 at 11:42 pm
and its hard to find some pot around here where is the weed……………………
01.18.09 at 11:45 pm
FUCK TCB YOU DON’T GOT SHIT BICTH<<<<<<<<</ ALKQN M LkS
01.18.09 at 11:54 pm
thanks for using robs pic, dumb carmel hypocrite piece of shit
04.05.09 at 6:54 pm
garbage
09.14.09 at 7:52 pm
this is too cliche and stereotypical and what “scene” are you idiots in referance to? These debates about who’s who pointed out by society is just pathetic and as bad as being a nazi. there’s alot more to Bloomington than that. explore everything and try to find something new.. geez.
02.15.10 at 3:21 pm
I’m a faggotzzzzz
02.15.10 at 3:25 pm
cool I can say anythging I want
02.15.10 at 3:25 pm
STOP THE LIES
02.15.10 at 3:27 pm
dsfgtgergtsyhr6uhrth regserges g
02.15.10 at 3:27 pm
rdthdthrthrth thrthr ettrh rthr tthrhrt6
02.15.10 at 3:28 pm
htdr hbrghbw eserg rraerjnlsrfwejkwrklj jkl k lj kl jkl WHO CARES WHO CARE THIS INFORMATION IS USELESS HAHAHHAHHA IODJFAJI FOJD FOJI OFJOIDFJ DFI JIO FJO I JIOJIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JIO JI OJIO JIO JIO JIO JIO
02.15.10 at 3:28 pm
jiojiojiojiojiojiojiojiojiojiojiojiojiojiojiojiojiojiojiojiojiojiojio jiojio jio jio jio jio jio jiojio jio jio jio jiojio jio jio jio jiojio jio jiojiojjio jio jio jio iopjio jio jio jio jio jio jiojio jio jiojio jio jio jiojio jiojio jio jio jio jio jio jio jiojio jio jio jio jio jiojio jio jio jio
02.15.10 at 3:29 pm
Amy, this is a piece of shit and you are the biggest hypocrite I know. You are the epitome of a hipster. And that is not a compliment.
02.26.10 at 1:52 pm
i want y’all 2 be expecting this ambitious and mystical guy
05.29.10 at 3:16 am
HOLY SHIT IS THAT ROB WALKER?!
07.03.10 at 2:08 pm
dude thats not bloomington…i live there! and dont make us sound lame! bloomingtons a college town alchohol and drugs are easy to get(park behind police station)…lots of different music and foods…just about any type of food really..lots of partys..but yeah theres some asshole but there easy to blow off..and if you come to blooomington ya gata go to the chocalte moose…and buy a 35 cent torch cone
08.09.10 at 12:06 am
Hey if you type “Bloomington Indiana fixed gear” into google, this is number 1, top of the list! While I wholly agree with your description of Bloomington, and even hoped for a fixie picture…Its pretty sad one of the area bike shops dosent have a link to some custom fixie in their window, or about “fixie ride night”. Anyways, sell em to these “faggots” who want to be cool and watch em get run over when they realize they have no bike skills, the rest of us can drink and watch! LOL
09.15.10 at 9:18 pm
This is the sad truth about Bloomington, Indiana — a totally heartless, soulless, brainless town! BLOOMINGTON INDIANA SUCKS! This website sucks! Tell that slut to stop flashing the public! Street Carnage sucks! Fart in your town!
10.28.10 at 6:31 pm
Awful!
12.17.10 at 10:09 am