SERIOUS POPPERS
It’s funny, I’ve never technically fucked a whore. Here’s why I avoid that whole scene:
a) It seems dangerous to me - if not from the gay AIDS then surely from herpes or hep C or some terrifying shit like that. Imagine the condom breaks?
b) It’s expensive
c) What if you’re the one in a million guy that gets busted? You wouldn’t get the elliot spitzer treatment, instead you’d get the ZAXXON from Riker’s Island treatment, and get real AIDS in prison, while your wife moved the kids far away from you and nobody could blame her. On their 18th birthday your wife would go “I have something to tell you children…Daddy isn’t really dead.”
But those are really the only three reasons I haven’t fucked a whore. I have a nonstop aching in my loins to spread my demon seed over the faces and backs-of-legs of every girl I see. Jesus christ I just thought of my kids and whether I should still really be saying shit like that. I hate when that happens. It’s such a horrible conflict. Now I just keep thinking about them. I’m going to literally kill ANYONE that touches my kids. They’re never having sex with anyone ever. Over my fucking DEAD BODY.
Ok, I just took a break and had an energy drink so that I could clear my head and get back to writing about WHORES.
So I’ve never fucked one.
However, I have, as you may know, gotten dozens and dozens of handjobs (maybe over 50, literally) from asian massage parlors, russian massage parlors, and college-girl handjob joints whose URLs I can’t reveal to you as I don’t want the waiting rooms cluttered up by SAUSAGE.
Here’s a story about the time I hit rock bottom while chasing after a 10 second orgasm:
I was at work at my old job which was just a bit east of union square. I got started with the itch that afternoon just like I usually do - by seeing a bit of a hot chick’s leg, or a little neck skin under an earring, or a bra strap, and having it build a seed inside me that grew until I couldn’t concentrate on my fucking work.
There was no time to go to any of my usual standbys during the workday, so I started to search craigslist for a tug job near union square. I searched for handjobs using my work computer without using a proxy server during work hours, which is something I recommend everyone do as it is IMPOSSIBLE to get caught.
I found a little place with a grand opening special - paradise spa, or some shit, with a bunch of palm trees - grand opening! 60$ an hour, 30 for half hour.
30 bucks - jesus that’s cheap. To give you some sense of scale, the white college chicks charge 100$ for 15 minutes.
Yeah blognigger, but how did you know whether it was a legit massage place and not a so-called ‘rub and tug?’ Quiet down dumbcock, remember it was in the fucking erotic services section of craigslist. Plus, I don’t think there’s a such thing as an asian massage parlor that’s legit. They’ll pull ya off for a few bucks - all of em. Fuck it, kick the chinese delivery guy an extra 20 and he’ll pump you off right in your brownstone foyer - if you don’t mind the General Tao’s gettin cold while he knocks around your cock n’ nuts.
Anyway, I grabbed my friend - my ‘mongering’ buddy - a true addict who is always down, and we head off for the Paradise Spa. Turns out it’s a broke down little nail salon on the 2nd floor of some shithole on 2nd avenue. Little green neon palm trees in the window. Shocking, I know.
We walk in, and the place smells like nail polish and that chinese laundromat smell. don’t front. All of the manicure tables are empty, which I know is shocking as well. Imagine there were chicks in there getting their nails done? yeah fuckin right. Oh don’t mind us, we’ll wait here - she’s gonna rub oil on our manrods as soon as she’s done putting the cotton balls between your toes.
Anyway, the cashier woman - never the same as the jackoff girls in any operation no matter what budget - was broke down. Her face was revolting - kind of looked like that abstract Sunday Funnies Jewjoke. My boy and I kind of looked at each other like damn, but thank god she’s not the one doing the jackoffs.
Those “girls” were all in the back room- they started peeking out into the main room to see if we were cops or something, since we couldn’t actually be their first customers ever. We checked them out, and it was horrendous. They were all ugly of course, but in addition, all three of them had at least one severe bonus deficiency that was unique to her own special self. One had like, chemical burn skin - not like a burn victim - you know what chemical burn skin is, right? Like her skin is all shiny and red like she’s had reconstructive surgery? One was like, just extra-ugly, that was her bonus trait, and one was really big and fat with a tiny bleached chinese mustache and OLD. They were all pretty old - 35 or above - but this mustached girl - who my friend and I called “chewy” - she was at least 40. And Big!
We looked at each other and were all - you wanna stay? i dunno, do you? you wanna stay? So it was getting awkward with the girls starting to get offended - and you know, i don’t want to hurt anyone ever, but at the end of the day, I just can’t get it up for chewy no matter how cheap it is. (See, I’m still more black than jewy at heart.) So finally I just said, “ok thank you! we’ll come back” and we bailed fast with the cashier being like “….ah ok, see you?”
That’s really the moment where a good american businesswoman would have stepped in and said “Listen boys, you’re not gonna FIND a jackin for less than 75$ in this town. Now these girls may not be lookers, but I’ll tell ya what - old chewbacca over there can rub an airbubble out of an iphone cover - she a fuckin ninja - knows how to press the taint at the right instant and will absolutely have ya hittin the ceiling, guaranteed. Now get back over in there, open your wallets, and go have a good time.”
No such luck for the owner - Ross Perot’s wife wasn’t available to be a cashier, so all their asian madame could offer was “…ah ok, see you?” and then of course to go beat the 40 year olds with reeds for being so ugly and destroying the owner’s honor and his business.
So we bailed. We ran back to the office, laughing our asses off. Good times.
Couple days pass, and on one particular day I get that itch again - but 10x as strong. Writing about it now I feel stupid - just like the moment after ejaculation where you think “fuck that was dumb” - what can I say though - when that chemical builds up in your nuts, it just puts you under the influence. Makes you a different person - a cock golem.
So I’m at work, and I’m poor, but i’m jonesing: I know I have to go hit chewy.
I don’t tell my friend - I go solo like a real addict. Get back there, and fuck if the girls aren’t occupied! Got damn, men are pathetic. The cashier gives me this little look like “I tolll you! Now you hafta fucka CHEWY!”
Indeed Chewy was the only one left - and I was so high on the chemical, SO backed-up that I opened up my wallet, paid my 30$, and let Chewy take my hand in her furry paw and lead me back to the massage rooms.
This place is REAL low budget - it doesn’t even real massage rooms - no DOORS! It’s an open space with cheap walls between each “room” - curtains instead of doors, and no ceiling- the fake walls just stop about halfway up to the real ceiling of the building. Each massage “room” is about big enough to fit a massage table, and space for a chewy to walk around it. This was designed by god to allow me to realize what an addict I was, and make me feel like I was in an 80’s crackhouse going to get my hit.
Chewy speaks really really really no engrish, so she leads me into the room and motions for me to get undressed. They always leave while this portion is going on, and I’m not sure why. Honey, you’re about to rub my penis and balls extensively - you don’t want to see me take off a pair of pants? That’s where you draw the line?
Anyway, when she comes back in, she directs me onto the table face down, and starts to give me a wholly mediocre massage. While she’s doing that, I start getting another chemical reaction - for some reason my mind starts to ruminate on the fact that the place is new: In the next 10 minutes, instead of enjoying the pressure-point stylings of chewbacca, I begin to grow convinced that the place is too new to have paid their kickbacks to police or the mob, and that it’s about to get busted while I’m there. The paranoia chemicals are like the sex chemicals - they seem ridiculous when I’m reporting on them here in the morning hours of sobriety, but at the time, I was fully immersed in their visceral grasp.
It was as real as it gets - every sound I heard was startling, and I was just convinced that each one was the feds just about to bust down the curtains.
Fortunately, before I had a fully fledged panic attack, chewy did “the move” on me. If you haven’t been to rub n’ tugs and don’t know what “the move” is, I’ll explain: “the move” is that first brush of their knuckles on the back of your testicles. Is it was designed by wise chinamen in 6000 BC, and is the most powerful triggerpoint in the universe. It makes pre-cum instantly shoot out of your dick, even when your dick is still soft. Yes - it’s a logic defyer, and it was powerful enough to take my mind off the feds.
After a bit more of this, I was as hard as a subway pole, and chewy gave me the international hand-signal for “tuln-a-ova?”
I flipped onto my back and she started massaging my chest and calves, my gigantic floppy hard-on just splayed out all over the place. Finally, she pointed to it and gave me this raised-eyebrow look as if to say, “you lika I massage this big fuckin thing?”
I was like “you betcha, tlack!”
And then chewy gave me a look which I swear to christ I will never forget - she covered her ?nese mouth with a big furry paw, and faked this little mischievous up-n’-down chickle like a big 100 year old wookie schoolgirl.
Hang on, lemme focus: yep, I can literally see it.
Then she asked me, in the one-of-two phrases she had learned from the jackoff-providers guidebook “how much you pay?”
I’m not accustomed to haggling while someone literally has me by the balls, but after some greystoke-style head-shaking and nodding and shit, we managed to settle on an extra 20 for her without me losing my erection. Shut up - I know it’s not much, but I’m part jew and man you shoulda seen this bitch. I don’t know what wookie wankoffs go for on endor, but I think 50 bucks total including tax and gratuity was more than fair.
So the next part is censored for your hetero-enjoyment: She hit fithy gear till I made a mess. That should be enough detail unless you’re literally gay.
Here’s when I reached rock bottom:
With whitesauce all over my chest, wheras most slanty providers will retrieve a hot towel for a wipedown that is arguably the 2nd climax encore of the session, chewy did no such thing. Instead, with a delicate little bow, she passed me a loose roll of charmin. Not even charmin - it was the scratchy budget shit that we’d still be using at home if my stay-at-home wife wasn’t bringin in a couple extra hundy a month by filling out tortuously boring online surveys.
Now here’s what you need to do: visualize someone handing you a roll of toilet paper, ok? You’re holding the roll, right? How do you get paper from it? Your right hand takes the paper and pulls it, right, while your left hand holds the roll itself. With me?
Where are the fingers of your left hand? Think about it - try it if you need to, I’ll wait. In order to let the roll rotate and dispense paper, your left palm will be balanced against the roll, and your first two fingers will be in the hole of the cardboard roll itself.
In the cardboard hole: That’s exactly where I was putting my first two fingers when they landed in a small glob of another man’s semen.
I gagged. I felt dizzy. I scratched them clean with more toilet paper. I gagged again - I made deathly sure not to sniff it, and almost started crying.
I’ve touched another man’s semen. That’s where addiction leads you, Sam.
I didn’t even begin to explain it to chewy, who was still diligently observing my clean-up process. I pushed the suffocating cancer-causing feelings of dread and fear into my stomach, where they have remained until this moment.
As I continued getting dressed, like a stifled broken zombie (hand not washed yet) - I remembered the police. I really hoped to jesus they weren’t out in the waiting room getting man manicures or some shit, waiting to bust me and my cumkissed two left fingers.
I was really dizzy. In a last-ditch attempt at calm, decided to start be extremely nice to chewy, not just for a little human companionship, but also because it seems to be a pattern I fall into during stressful situations - like anytime I’m dealing with cops or going through airport security. Like in case secretly they’ll think I’m a good guy and maybe cut me a break. I guess subliminally, I was hoping chewy would show me a secret batpole exit down to the street to let me avoid the fuzz.
I made eye-contact with her and said “Thank you so much!”
She looked around, I guess deciding me that that had done it - I deserved to be given the secret tip-off, and she said to me in a hushed sort of whisper: “No poppers.”
Another psychotic rush of fear went through my nervous system.
“What??”
“No Poppers!”
FUCK that’s what I thought she had said. She was obviously looking out for me - my strategy had paid off. Maybe there’re cops in the nail lobby and she’s telling me to dump any drugs I have so that I don’t get taken down on both charges.
I had to ask her - “No poppers?? Why - who’s outside??”
She pointed to me: “you a thank you”
She pointed to herself: “I a no poppers”
OH no PROBLEM, OH thank god, thank god! Thank you chewie, you’re a great friend.
The adrenaline of learning that everything is fine is the strongest rush of all - it flooded into my head and my tingling hands.
Everything’s fine.
Except that I was still addicted to the release and my hands we’re drenched in the aura of semen. I washed and scrubbed my fingers, scrubbed my soul, and finally admit to myself that I had a problem.
I went back to the office realizing that it had all gone to far. I had reached rock bottom and I had to change. It was a depressing and horrible feeling, so powerful that it made me stay away from those places for good.
Or rather, for about 6 months, until last week, when I caught a glimpse of a mom’s bra as she bent down to adjust a stroller wheel while riding a subway.
That was it - I had to go back for the release. This time at least, Chewy was gone. Or busy. This time my girl was younger. This time it was $60, but they used a hot towel. Worth it. They got it under control - and so do I. I can live like this- as long as I don’t have to touch another man’s semen again, I can hack it. Everything’s lookin up. no chewy; no scratchy paper; no poppers.
Related posts:
- HOW TO ROLL A COKE JOINT
- EARLY HOSER VANITY
- MISSBEHAVE: GIRLS AND OUR NAILS
- ASK BLOGNIGGER: THE MERCHANT OF PENNIS
- GEORGE BUSH THROWS GANG SIGN
Tags: handjobs, rub n tug, SEX, whores
12.03.08 at 4:03 pm
“Brevity is the soul of wit.”
-William “I’m Definitely Not Black” Shakespeare
12.03.08 at 4:07 pm
Genius. I’ve done the rub and tug maybe ten times, and I go through all the emotions you describe to a t. even thought about writing to you about it. genius.
12.03.08 at 4:13 pm
Total Battlecat.
12.03.08 at 4:22 pm
My buddy Nico told me a story once about a Chewbacca working down at the Blue Lagoon Exotic Massage Parlour. Told me that while he was repulsed by how low his perversion could take him, the tug itself was fantastic because the added padding of her hand flab when combined with the right mixture of essential oils helped to create the greatest hand-vagina he’s ever under paid for.
I’m still self serve when it comes to tugjobs. Maybe I too will know your hell if I ever get married.
12.03.08 at 4:24 pm
good shit
12.03.08 at 4:36 pm
vane$$a what’s wrong with you man, seriously?
It’s like a 5 page short story! You dis on shortass Genx attention spans, but then why the tldr rage for this? I don’t get you.
12.03.08 at 4:42 pm
BN, you know I can be a dirty little whore but this is just nasty! Every day I thank God I was born a woman.
12.03.08 at 4:44 pm
This is fucking LONG.
12.03.08 at 4:45 pm
@ Vane$$a: that’s my fav quote, good use of subtle pwn. Regarding sex with whores, from the movies it looks like it gets better when you’re older, rich and have some kind of stressful job. OK, i watched Michael Clayton last night.
12.03.08 at 4:56 pm
^ that was the creepiest fucking comment i’ve ever read. i just had a mental image of some fat 40 year old typing this while simultaneously admiring his reflection with his dick tucked back.
12.03.08 at 4:57 pm
whoops, that was directed at obedient white old guy.
12.03.08 at 5:06 pm
it’s cool that you’ve got a wife that understands your needs. very cool. if i were a guy and not getting it hot and frequently from my wife, i would laugh if she dared to cop an attitude w/me for getting handjobs/looking at porn/a little oral on the side. poor chewie, give her credit for earning her way in this world, at least that.
also: prices are coming way down. you should be able to get the white girls for half that price off of cl.
12.03.08 at 5:06 pm
@ Rad racer
Ten years from now blognigger will wince and grin when he reads this shit. It’s not what’s wrong with me, it’s what’s wrong with his writing. It’s also about what’s right with his writing, which is a lot, but not enough for him to compensate for his inability to quickly get in and get out of a story with style. When he learns to write with density and maintain his quality, many people will care what he has to say. Until then, he’s stuck here in well fed hipster mediocrity. Pardon my lack of sycophantism, but I won’t kiss his ass just because he can turn an interesting phrase here and there while using the word “nigger” as a semi-bold blog marketing tool.
12.03.08 at 5:12 pm
i don’t think his primary reason for writing is to improve his technique and style. i think he writes to encourage open and honest dialogue about taboo subjects.
maybe it would be more enjoyable an experience for you if you started sharing more and critiquing less. let the defenses down just a little.
i once let a guy put peanut butter on my bum, tape my cheeks to a door frame and then take pictures. it was surprisingly hot. the hottest stuff is the stuff you have to condemn first. filthy! condemn, then enjoy.
now your turn.
12.03.08 at 5:20 pm
i go to asia for work. i met a guy who told me about a place i needed to check out. He told me about a woman who drapes this long cloth around bars over the bed. She then wraps each ankle with in the cloth so that she can hang upside down like they do in Cirque de Soleil. She then twists herself around so that the cloth thing all wound up between her ankle and the bars. Lady friend now puts her face hole over ur dick and lets go providing you with an upside down spinning blow job.
I truly didn’t believe him. Until 6 months later, when I found out for myself. Wasn’t on my dime either. Tho I’m sure it was cheaper than chewy, and this chick was nimble.
12.03.08 at 5:37 pm
Oh please, anyone hating on blognigger is a joke.
The guy comes in here once a week and absolutely owns the place, and leaves everyone talking about him the rest of the week and creaming for his post by monday. Even if you don’t care for his writing, you can’t fuck with his cred.
He carries the fucking site on his back which is absolutely why Gavin has him working Wednesday, and absolutely why he has so many haters, period.
12.03.08 at 5:43 pm
at the end of the day, paying $200 for actual asian whores is just much better. there’s a place on 47th where you undress, they hang your clothes up in a closet in this little hotel room they give you, you get a table shower where too girls scrub you head to toe, the girls are in lingerie, and then, you pick one, take her in the room and fuck, get head, etc. totally worth the extra money - just space it out more. they even have beer and cologne and stuff for after. excellent service with a smile. couldn’t recommend it more highly.
12.03.08 at 5:52 pm
Vane$$a,
Well now, you’re just a dewy little peach with a pit full of hatred aren’t yah!
12.03.08 at 5:54 pm
are any of those survey deals not scams? gotta be some way not to blow 80 bucks for that.
12.03.08 at 5:55 pm
and the award for most pretentious bitch goes to: “vane$$a”. seriously, if you can do better, im sure everyone here would LOVE to see it!
12.03.08 at 5:59 pm
@CaptainQueef
I’m a man, jackass
12.03.08 at 6:02 pm
@ but vanessa
I get paid to share, but when a properly disposable piece comes up, I’ll throw you art starved dog souls a fatty bone.
@ vanegga
Fuck off you little faggot. Capiche?
12.03.08 at 6:03 pm
Come on guys, let’s keep the spotlight on blognigger. We don’t want him to feel like he’s not the “show.”
12.03.08 at 6:04 pm
i’ve been known to fart in the bath and turn around and bite the bubble.
12.03.08 at 6:19 pm
spadium in korea town will cost you a little change but it’s comfortable and they’re pretty. i’ve given many to various boyfriends and pro bull riders. if i were to devote my life to an underground rub and tug, it would be this one. they give you ceylon tea and there’s even a room for meditation.
12.03.08 at 6:26 pm
BN,
You don’t know rock bottom until you see the 220 pounds of ugly I fucked before going to Iraq.
12.03.08 at 7:00 pm
LOL!! Gotcha pegged don’t I fake lady vane$$a? That’s why you got so angry!
vane$$a gets paid to share! He’s a WRITER, a successful WRITER who just CHOOSES to hang out here with us jerkoffs all day.
Hey Vane$$a, it’s just like the schoolyard: You can’t share any of your writing here and now becuase YOU DON’T HAVE ANY. All you do is whine like an obese critic: you are not a writer. you’re a liar: you don’t get paid to share or you would prove it. you have nothing. You hate blognigger because he rules and we love him and you’re jealous!
Go become an hero.
12.03.08 at 7:29 pm
yeah Vane$$a - be AN HERO. fucking cunt.
12.03.08 at 7:58 pm
Vane$$a is the mind behind Lipstick Jungle.
12.03.08 at 8:23 pm
Vane$$a should just shoot herself in the face with a sawed off shotgun and save us all the trouble of ever having to read anything she says ever again.
12.03.08 at 8:35 pm
Vane$$a loves Wednesdays
they’re all about him
he seizes the limelight
gav’s balls on his chin
Vane$$a loves Wednesdays
he gets to pretend
that we’re here to see him
instead of bn
Vane$$a loves Wednesdays
barging in with a shove
it’s the closest he’ll feel
to being in love
12.03.08 at 8:53 pm
i once let a guy put peanut butter on my bum, tape my cheeks to a door frame and then take pictures.
Not hating or condemning, but I literally can’t picture wtf this even is.
I know all about this shit with the disenfranchised Asian ladies beating the meat for you psychos for small change, big deal.
I AM interested in the cycle of need, search, explosion followed by shame, fear and swearing it all off forever. That is where our friend Mr. Blognigger starts to touch on some painful and interesting truth here. Sounds like kind of a drag actually. Sometimes I wonder how you guys even walk around with those things. Fortunately, I just interact with them when I feel like it (sucking, fucking etc.); then they are tucked away somewhere until next time I need one.
Oh, and Blognig, son, I am SURE that you are better off with the toilet paper (disposable) then you are with a towel (warm no less ~ ewww); think about it.
12.03.08 at 9:25 pm
“Not hating or condemning, but I literally can’t picture wtf this even is.”
he had a bit of a scat fetish which i wasn’t as into (pb resembles diarrhea on the bum, as does choc ice cream), coupled w/my desire for being the sub role in mild bdsm, (allowing duct taping of bum cheeks to doorframe, exposing bum for “pooP photos). it was a compromise of sorts. we both felt wrong for wanting to do it, and that was a turn-on.
12.03.08 at 9:55 pm
What’s worse is that semen, it was… ANIMAL SEMEN!
12.03.08 at 10:12 pm
there is no love left in this world
all girls are whores just like jesus said
i will never have sex again…
bodykick
bodykick
bodykick
bodykick
bodykick
body…
…kick
12.03.08 at 10:14 pm
Great idea Glitterfuzz. I’ll videotape my self-decapitation and have my mom send Gavin the video for your viewing pleasure. I’ll even leave instructions for her to leave the tape rolling while she weeps, cleans the remains, etc. etc. I never said anything negative about blognigger. I’m trying to give the little guy some help and encouragement. He’s obviously impoverished as all fuck. It might help him–in the bedroom at least–if he could make some extra money writing. Financial failure often leads to marital cock failure, and that’s a fact!
I like swimmin’
with
bow-legged women
12.03.08 at 10:25 pm
Vane$$a is a ¢unt, even if she’s a dude. But why do we all care? I think Vane$$a is trying to contribute to the conversation, but seems more interested in getting zingers in than saying anything useful. Which is not unlike this entire website. Zing! Boom! ¡Battle¢at! I wish I had a shitty blog so other people could make comments about the quality of my johnson.
Johnson.
12.03.08 at 10:32 pm
eww a warm wet towel??!! That thing is probably covered in man sauce!! They probably just throw it in some grimy bucket after you wipe your juice all over it, then on to the next face hiding, walking pile of embarrassment. You wiped that thing all over your chest and balls with big smile on your face I bet.
12.03.08 at 11:07 pm
guys, what we’re all doing, is, on the interneta, referred to as “feeding the troll.”
Let’s make a pact- next week at the bn post, let’s all completely ignore vanessa like
Some gayass silent treatment shit. If you love or hate bn, still team up to ignore vanessa.
Don’t let every fuckin comments section be about him.
12.03.08 at 11:47 pm
umm I don’t get it? Please explain!?
Is it just about familiarity breeding cock discontent? I, as a lady, would never be so hard up for sex that I would let a fat, hairy, small, peened man climb on top to release levels of sexual frustration that I cannot describe in polite company.
. . . Although, I did have a friend once who would fuck anything just about. She once did it with a pseudo homeless man with face tattoos in an alleyway at 3 in the morning. I must be missing some testosterone or something.
Not hatin’, but If we were in a relationship, you could pay ME the money to give you hand jobs when I didn’t want to put out, or whatever the reason is that you need em. I’d even come to you at work, in disguise, to assuage the familiarity conundrum. I could get a chewy costume from a costume shop and work that puppet in you pants between my fury clutches with some cold cuts warmed up so you didn’t know it was me!
12.03.08 at 11:51 pm
“I, as a lady, would never be so hard up for sex…”
unless you’re a fat, ugly hosebeast you’ll never understand a man’s plight.
all women should learn to fuck like obese, homely women. a man - even if he strayed a bit for fun - would never leave you. never.
12.04.08 at 12:49 am
“I’m going to literally kill ANYONE that touches my kids. They’re never having sex with anyone ever. Over my fucking DEAD BODY.” Re: this quote, I have a serious question. Do ALL parents go through that thing where they want to “protect” their kids from ever having sex, & hate anyone who tries to fuck them? Even though it would be weird & disturbing if they (your kids) stayed virgins forever? I understand that parents are protective like that, but on the other hand, it seems a tad creepy to want to preserve your kids from having one of life’s finest experiences. I want to know if this is a natural instinct all parents have (but why?), or if it is culturally mediated. Parents, help me out.
12.04.08 at 12:59 am
It’s chemical. And of course BN is very self-aware and is being tongue and cheek here as usual, but yes - especially as a dad with daughters, I can tell you seriously that thinking about them with guys is a horrible horrible thing, like 2000000x worse than thinking about your parents have sex.
in fact - i don’t want to analyze it too much since it does really sicken me - but it’s far easier for me to picture them as lesbians - much more pleasant. interesting huh?
obviously, logically speaking, i hope my daughters are in loving supportive relationships one day- maybe it’s hard wired, but the sex thing itself is very hard to have to accept let alone visualize.
12.04.08 at 1:03 am
Oh, I understood the peanut-butter part, that’s kinda basic stuff, but this part:
allowing duct taping of bum cheeks to doorframe
I simply can’t visualize, unless you are like … really wide … or something.
And what’s with the whole Vanessa thing. I don’t even notice this person’s posts. I had to go back and look for them; they look like the same mindless shit as everyone else’s including mine. What’s the problem?
I have a serious question. Do ALL parents go through that thing where they want to “protect” their kids from ever having sex, & hate anyone who tries to fuck them? Even though it would be weird & disturbing if they (your kids) stayed virgins forever?
Yes, all parents think this (I had visions of hand-cuffs and radiators) when their children are small. When they become young adults it goes away; unless you are weird like those people with the weird abstinence cults and their father/daughter proms.
12.04.08 at 1:23 am
you know what would be like totally funny? if one of these sex-starved daddies, relegated to online messing around because the mommy was always too tired, was bopping around the internet one night and looking for cyber-love in all the wrong places and bumped into his daughter (without knowing it was her - no face shot as this girl is properly discreet). she’s in college, just trying to make some extra fun money so she adverts for handjobs.
he shows up, hilarity ensues.
i mean, that is a distinct possibility.
12.04.08 at 1:26 am
“I simply can’t visualize, unless you are like … really wide … or something.”
no, not really wide, silly girl. BLOWN WIDE OPEN. men love orifices that appear to have previously taken equine meat. totally.
12.04.08 at 4:22 am
West Garden
12.04.08 at 4:40 am
This is literally one of the funniest pieces I’ve ever read on the internet.
The story sure bought back some memories…thank god none of which involved touching semen.
12.04.08 at 5:01 am
Vane$$a Says:
12.03.08 at 5:06 pm
Ten years from now blognigger will wince and grin when he reads this shit. It’s not what’s wrong with me, it’s what’s wrong with his writing…
- Ugh, you’re awful.
12.04.08 at 5:42 am
This post left me rubbing my temples with my knees.
12.04.08 at 6:33 am
Très BN
12.04.08 at 9:26 am
I agree with HalfAfrican, if I’m in a relationship (that I want to stay in) I’m willing to do/try about anything to keep the other person happy. But I’m still young, and I guess I can’t understand what it would be like to be in a “good” relationship where you couldn’t get off to your partner anymore. Now for those single gents I feel your plight, I can get so ungodly horny when I am single no amount of self pleasuring could accomodate my needs, thus leading to some pretty questionable hook-ups in the past. Maybe I would have been better off just paying someone (ensuring quality and satisfaction) to go down on me or something. I am so torn about this.
12.04.08 at 10:14 am
Vanessa,
Not to hate, but this isn’t McSweeny’s, it’s BN/Streetcarnage. I mean, I read BN because he’s got an interesting view on the world and I enjoy the way he tells it. Is he David Eggers or Adam Gopnik? Nah, but I bet you took your solid twenty minutes away from work to read what he had to say. Stories don’t have to be in the King’s English (or should I say Engrish?) to be enjoyable.
12.04.08 at 10:35 am
@Cancer Kazoo: thx for explain of the troll.
JEWS DID WTC, amirite?
12.04.08 at 11:12 am
Dave fucking eggeds???
Give me a break, bn owns that fag.
The opposite is true in my book: I read bn BECAUSE he doesn’t roll like those pretentious Iowa litschool wankers
12.04.08 at 11:48 am
Bite the bubble, Vane$$a? They want you to bite the curb… is what they want.
12.04.08 at 1:44 pm
how many paid tugjobs a month = problem? just sos I know if I need to seek help, or a better girlfriend
12.04.08 at 2:27 pm
I’m the mother of a ten-year-old boy. The thought of him someday having sex doesn’t bother me at all. Of course I hope he waits until a reasonable age (say, sixteen. Younger would make me squirm a bit but I’d cope) and more importantly, takes safety precautions. Bonus points for being in the context of a healthy relationship. Maybe it’s because my child is a boy and I’d feel different if I had a girl? I dunno, I’m pretty practical and I don’t think there would be that much difference. The thought of an adult molesting him at his current age definitely makes me homicidal. Victimization is totally different than consensual (semi-) adult experimentation.
Looks like I’m in the minority, though. Parents who have both boy(s) and girl(s), do you feel differently about the potential sexual behavior of your boys vs. your girls?
12.05.08 at 12:55 pm
Man, cock golem. Now my players are going to have to fight that thing. I’ll let them know who to forward their thanks too.
12.08.08 at 9:59 am
another classic. goad better watch his ass on here, BN’s comin up…
02.01.09 at 10:58 pm
This was genius.