As a young boy, an unlaid boy, a bottle-fed ex-baby boy, I’d often find scraps of 60s and 70s porno mags strewn through the mossy woods near our tract home. Having led a tit-free youth in a titless world where tits were even more oppressed than black people, these soggy paper boobshots were religious documents to me. Tits fascinated me. The bigger, the better. Down to her knees—the best!
I knew that a woman had something between her legs where you stuck your pee-pee and then a baby came out, but I never equated that area or process with pleasure—hers or mine. (I STILL don’t equate it with hers.)
But then my testicles descended and my groin sprouted hair like a Chia Pet. My voice got deeper and I was able to shoot applesauce from my wiener. Like they say in the Jewish religion, I became a man. I got myself some pussy and realized that tits were for kids. It’s not that I dislike them, it’s that they’re about as sexually useful as kneecaps.
“There’s always titty-fucking,” you limply suggest.
Yes—titty-fucking. No, nothing awkward or stupid about THAT, so let’s just move right along.
You ever see some stank-ass hippie bitch flop out her saggy jug at a restaurant just to quiet her mewling infant? THAT’S what tits are for, and it ain’t pretty. Think of them as two baby bottles, THEN tell me you still get aroused. Have you ever seen one of those lactation fetish sites? It’s enough to put you off the teat forever. It’s not as if I’m repelled by a nice pair of casabas—I just don’t focus or fixate or obsess on them. I grew OUT of that phase. And I really think you should, too.
Yes, I can enjoy looking at tits, just as I can enjoy looking at a woman’s calf, wrist, or eyelashes. But those tits are merely accessories. A woman can find a man’s biceps sexy, but if she doesn’t move on (and downward), she’s a little bit W-A-C-K-Y. That’s because biceps, like tits, serve no real sexual purpose. Yeah, maybe SHE gets some sexual pleasure from having them touched, but when did we start worrying about HER pleasure?
It’s very unbecoming for a grown man to seek out women for emotional nurturing. You were supposed to have settled that deal a long, long time ago. It was called “weaning.” And I have a secret—women don’t like men with mommy complexes. They want a daddy, not a son.
What fucking AGE are you that you still need to be nurtured by a woman? I’m sorry that your weaning was incomplete, but it’s a little too late, fair soldier. I was not breast-fed, and I have no desire to make up for lost time.
Tit-obsessed men generally have far less real-world sexual experience than other men, and I can state this as a fact, because it is I who just made it up. Sigmund Freud would tell you the same thing, except he’s dead. You can be an ass man or a leg man. You can even be a bush man and a vulva man like me. But you CANNOT be a tit man.
You can only be a tit BOY.
Does your mommy wipe your bottom with a warm, wet washcloth, Titboy? Does she tuck you in at night and call you her Widdle Wubbly Woo? Do you like to play with the big bouncy balloons, Titboy? Do you like those red-nosed clowns bobbling in your face…Titboy? Any adult male with a breast fixation OBVIOUSLY still wants to suckle milk from his mother’s teats. You have a problem with that? Take it up with your mammy—TITBOY.
That’s right, Baby Huey, nuzzle up to them mams. Then put your knickers on and kiss Mumsy goodbye as you tweedle-dee your way to Nursery School.
Grow the fuck UP, man. PUSSY is where it’s at. THAT’S where you commit all the felonies. Tits are just misdemeanors.
In my adulthood, pockmarked as it’s been by scandal and infidelity, I’ve often had gals—with their boobs jutting toward me in the post-coital motel-room haze—ask me why I don’t pay more attention to their breasts.
Don’t you like them? Are they misshapen? Should I get a boob job? Should I get another boob job? Should I get a breast reduction and then get yet another boob job?
No. Shut the fuck up. I don’t want to suck on your boobs just like I don’t want to wear a diaper. I bang you like a jackhammer and go down on you better than a dyke—you don’t need me to slap your tits around.
Funny how they’re never so hung-up on their vaginas, which is where most of the aesthetic atrocities occur. I guess the pussy is ultimately for making babies, too, so I really don’t have much of a point. Ignore everything I just said.
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You weren’t breastfed? It all makes sense now.
02.20.08 at 3:02 pm
My riposte:
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02212007
02.20.08 at 3:27 pm
Your argument makes you seem kind of creepy, like people with a fetish.
02.20.08 at 6:55 pm
Sounds to me like somebody got spurned by a lady with awesome knockers. sour grapes, my friend, sour grapes!
02.20.08 at 9:12 pm
Deam you just contradicted yourself!! Thats not brilliant. Titties are alsome. I luv titties! What the fuck is wrong with you? I bet if you were breast fed it’d be all different, but your not, too bad. I luv titties, so FUCK YOU!
02.21.08 at 2:01 am
titties are for poor people
02.21.08 at 2:15 am
Sensitive nipples are where it’s at.
02.21.08 at 2:30 am
mmmm…
1 trillion websites offering me tittie based gentleman’s leisure vs. 1 chubby canadian’s website telling me it’s bad.
mmmmm……..
02.21.08 at 1:56 pm
Tits are good and fun.
02.21.08 at 2:53 pm
Travis Tritt has a point. When the economy is down, men tend to like fuller figured (aka fatty-titted) women.
02.21.08 at 7:27 pm
Finally someone who agrees with me! Tits are for teens. Don’t get us wrong, their great but not that important.
Let me put it this way. Would you rather have a girl with ZERO ass and some DD’s or would you rather have a girl with a Perfect ass but flat chested? I thought so. Bend her over a table and be a man.
02.21.08 at 11:32 pm
I take tits over ass any day. Tits are the reason I wake up in the morning. Guys who don’t like tits are the same ones who like to slobber dick.
02.22.08 at 12:28 am
Jim Goad stinks like old people.
02.22.08 at 10:34 am
I want my mommy!
02.22.08 at 10:48 am
I like tits. I’m a man. I got a perfectly healthy relationship with my lady, I take care of her just fine. Plus I love her tits.
02.22.08 at 6:35 pm
Jim Goad, you’re the fucking greatest. I read that article you did for VICE a while back about doing crystal-meth and jerking off, and so then I googled your life story and ordered the Answer Me! anthology right away. Like what Bukowski said about being funny, “people laugh because it’s true, and they’re not used to truth” you and Gavin and friends continue to crack me up and inspire awe in my shitty life.
02.23.08 at 10:46 pm
biceps are sexually useful. a strong bicep show that he can pick me up and fuck me like a man.
02.28.08 at 11:03 pm
Ass and legs are where its at, so stop getting those legs tattooed!
06.15.08 at 8:22 pm
maybe his wife is titless
09.09.08 at 3:01 am
you don’t like tits? fine, but now you wanna ruin everyone else’s good time with ‘em? fuck that shit.
i like tits, i’m a tit boy, and i’m proud of it. don’t like it? kiss my ass, kike stuffer.
12.08.08 at 7:48 pm
I do happen to be a fan of nipples more so than tits. In fact, it sends me into a chimp rage when women refuse to show their nipples in porno or strip and do that incredibly shitty hand bra! The latter makes me wanna cut their hands off!
But yeah, I don’t need double d’s. I just need nice, soft, pink, Anglo-Celtic-Nordic-Saxon-Slavic pale nipples.
12.08.08 at 9:09 pm
I must admit, i love tits and ass. prefer minge but where else r u gonna put your sperm when you pull out if they do’nt like it in the mouth?
12.16.08 at 5:35 pm
I love tits! Im a titboy and proud. I bought magazines with multiple tits in and I love the way there all different shapes and sizes. Tits turn me on, as soon as i see a gd pair im hard as a rock
04.19.09 at 6:11 pm
starts to rub her pussy…
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! This asian babe has got some big ol’ titties on her! She literally“ pops” out of her bikini as she’ s sitting by the pool and DAMN! As she pulls those things out you can just imagine sliding your cock in between her big boo…
05.30.09 at 8:58 am
http://www.xmag.com/archives/13-09-mar06/feature3.html
10.28.09 at 5:20 pm
Men have tight assholes. What do you even need a woman for at all now?
11.23.09 at 1:52 pm
women often dont give a shit about much of mans body either, but they pay it a little attention to stroke the old ego an shit, same rules with tits, like em or not.
07.23.10 at 2:48 pm