(Items from Opening Ceremony’s Opening Ceremony Collection)

On Friday, August 9th, 2008, 205 countries found their best designers and made a uniform for their top athletes. It was kind of like the Project Runway Challenge but with way more millions of dollars and no annoying product placement from Tresemme. The results, we’re sad to report, rarely garnered more than 4 or 5 kittens. Most made the mistake of sticking white suits on their athletes and turning them into coke barons. Others fell into the fast food trap. Most just phoned it in and stuck a tracksuit on the guy. Boink.
Opening Ceremony (the store in Soho) stayed open for several days and made all kinds of fancy Olympic stuff because they are super into Opening Ceremonies. We called up co-owner Umberto Leon to ask him what he thought the best and the worst of the ceremony was…
Street Boners: So, Umberto, what did you think of the Opening Ceremony?
Umberto Leon: What do you mean?
Pretty whack, eh?
Which ones?
Well, Hungary, for one. That was a nightmare. I think everyone agrees Eastern Europeans were the worst.
Can you email me? I’m at a wedding.
Ok, what’s your email?
It’s H-U-M-B-E-
Wait, you know Umberto doesn’t start with an H right?
What? Yes it does.
Not it doesn’t.
Yes it does.

And so on. Alors, without further to do. We’d like to present the highlights and lowlights of the global fashion movement. We’ll think you’ll agree, almost everyone in the world is a fucking loser.

-

WORST OUTFITS IN THE WORLD

White people did particularly badly this year. Who designed these, my nana? They look like What’s-her-name from that British show “Keeping up Appearances.” While the commentators were going through the names they all kind of got stuck on Hungary and Bob Costas goes, “These are something. What do you think of these?” And the other guy just said, “Well, here it’s a matter of taste.” And they both giggled and tried to change the subject because it was obvious we had a HUGE loser on our hands. The whole world knew it.

Other stinkers include…

The megalomaniac who runs this country insisted he be a huge part of the design process. This is probably the worst thing about dictatorships.

-

But the WORST had to be South Africa. Why?

CROCS!

-

MOST RIDICULOUS HAT

These guys cleaned up on the Most Ridiculous Hat category. What the fuck is that, a birthday cake?

Though, this one gets the gold for size

How cheap is this one? It looks like it’s made of paper.

She found this one on the way in and stuck it on her head because she was drunk.

-

COKE BARONS

You can’t wear a white suit and not look like an untouchably successful mogul in the cocaine business. For example…

The only way you’re going to nail any of these guys is with something totally unrelated like tax evasion but do yourself and your family a favor, don’t get involved. You will lose everything and they won’t even lose sleep.

-

WORST HAIR IN THE WORLD

Most people we’re going to say this guy’s half-assed logo was the worst hair in the Olympics but the honor actually goes to a Chinese lady from the Congo. Be warned: this is not a helmet. This is her actual hair. No Photoshop!

-

AIRLINE ATTENDANTS

These people have no CLUE where your luggage is but you’re going to have to wait in line anyway.

Queen Latifah knows where your bags are but she ain’t sayin’.

-

IBM EMPLOYEES

Right next to Airline Attendants are people who work at IBM. This is when countries couldn’t even design a bad look. They just told their athletes to wear their job interview clothes.

Look at this guy. He looks like a Republican from the 20s. What are you, the first racist?

Snooze me a river.

This “woman” was going to take home the Gold for Nerd but Gambia pulled out this ringer at the last second.

Revenge is sweet.

-

PROJECT RUNWAY

Some countries gave up trying to do their own shit and just hired Tim Gunn to set up some costumes.

When they went to buy the fabric this silver shit just seemed to leap off the racks.

-

“I took everything I knew about Lesotho and just ‘rocked it out.’”

Sporty cocktail dress for drunk jogging.

“I always thought of Hugo Chavez as kind of a daredevil so I decided to go in a very Evel Knievel direction.”

“This is just fun. It incorporates who I am and juxtaposes it with where I’m going.”

“I told you I love working with grass.”

“The deadline here kind of crept up on me. I don’t think this is my best work.”

-

MOST HARRY POTTERISH

Their farts can hear your secrets.

These guys cheat using stolen Grumbledorts.

-

RICH DICKS

Not surprisingly, Britain, France and America dressed like rich dicks.

More surprisingly perhaps, were the number of Rich Dicks who don’t actually have any money…

-

HOTTEST COUNTRY

This gifted porn star almost won but the hair sticking to her face looked like a really bad burn.

So we gave it to this lady.

Hurley over here took home “Hottest Guy.”
-

MAXI PAD COMMERCIALS

The problem with fading from light blue to white is you look like those absorbency demonstrations where they show you how effective their pads or diapers are.

Canada decided to cut the bullshit and just use actual blood

-

CANDY VENDORS

This guy didn’t expect to still be selling candy canes at this age.

This place has a nautical theme which is great for salty taffy but not so appetizing when it comes to chocolates.

-

FAST FOOD EMPLOYEES

These guys won’t give you your money back but you can have a coupon for a free meal.

This place is called Speedy’s and they say they give you your order before you’re done ordering it which is obviously impossible. A spokesman from the company says it’s “A figure of speech.”

McDonald’s assembled all its regional managers in one place for the party of the century. Good work you guys!

It’s amazing this guy didn’t get any acne with his head over a deep fryer 40 hours a week.

Not only did Yao go with a McDonald’s uniform but he chose one from the 1970s when minimum wage was still around three bucks. Way to shoot for the stars, Ming.

-

WINNERS

As Edward de Bono pointed out in Six Thinking Hats, shitting on things is the easiest form of critique. Enough of the pooping. Here are what we consider to be, the best looks from Beijing 2008. It’s worth noting that where White Europe dropped the ball, Black Africa shone like a blood diamond in a mountain of rocks.

The games are in the summer in the most humid and stifling place on earth. Don’t choke your athletes into a suit and tie or a fucking cocktail dress. Keep them sporty. If you want to add some flair make that the pattern on the shirt. Like these dudes…

Scarves are also a wonderful way to add flair.

Especially when they’re tartan.

Speaking of plaids, we almost gave these guys top spot because they went way out on a limb and totally pulled it off. We had to pull back though. Because these fuckers appeared…

THE BEST LOOK OF THE WHOLE OPENING CEREMONY!!! It’s casual but formal. Sporty but classy. It’s patriotic without being ostentatious. And most of all, it’s simple. Way to go, whatever the fuck Democratic Republic of the Congo is.

Related posts:

1. CHLOË SEVIGNY’S OPENING CEREMONY LINE: OFFICIAL LAUNCH WITH THE SLITS
2. STREET BONER 446
3. CHLOË SEVIGNY AND BREASTISES
4. WHEN I GET MY DRUG STUDY MONEY
5. THE STALLIONAIRES ARE GAY, RIGHT?

This entry was posted on 08.11.08 at 12:36 pm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can E-mail it to a friend. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.