When we say “Paris” what we really mean is “Pigalle and Montmarte and maybe a quick sojourn outside but very rarely because it feels kind of barren in the rest of the city.” We went there to visit SC contributor Anne Margreet and we dressed like tough guys from Mean Streets because French people are scared of New York and it’s fun to play into that stereotype. Here’s some stuff we noticed about the city that always sleeps…
GOOD FOOD
Parisians know that fat is bad but they don’t give a shit because fat is where the flavor is. So they let these chickens drip down on to potatoes that taste like running naked through an open field.
Jet lag can fuck with your appetite but who can say no to some steak frites? It’s like the bump of entreés.
-
POO GRAFFITTI
We all know fart jokes are about as funny as funny gets but who told the frogs? It seemed like every time we turned a corner there was another reference to shit on some piece of public property.
-
POO
As with most places outside of North America, the toilets are dry heave machines. Is there a water shortage going on? Why do these turds get fresh air?
Check this out. Dude couldn’t wait to finish his ice cream cone so he brought it in with him.
The problem with all this gross shit stuff is it tells your subconscious you don’t need to go to the bathroom. Next thing you know, you have to pass a bowling ball and, unless you’re a 70 year-old gay man, that is going to tear the shit out of your anal lips.
-
CONFUSING PHRASES
We asked about 5 people what “Fuk la Pranes” means and nobody could tell us. The Internet didn’t have shit to say either.
-
GOOD SHOES
These were at the Sonia Rykiel store. You could basically stick these on your dad and you’d still get a boner.
This was also in the Rykiel window.
-
TITILLATION
The French have always been way ahead of us when it comes to sex and nudity and horsing around. This can be seen almost everywhere.
-
NEAT-O ART
France shuts down at around 10PM so if you want a burger at 11, you had better know a native. Anne Margreet took us to this amazing restaurant where we got pie-eyed and stared at the things on the wall. This is from a photo shoot Anya Phillips did with Mick Jagger. She started the Mudd Club and then died.
“Art History” by Serbian artist Vuk Vidor. You can buy it here.
-
OLD BUILDINGS
Though the streets are a little too wide for our liking (they told us it was to allow the French army to pass through), it’s pretty hard to beat the architecture. Imagine you lived on the top floor here? Your whole body would have a piss hard on every morning.
-
NEW YORK MODELS
Chloë modeling a Chloe fragrance for Chloe.
Sissel
-
PIERRE LE CARRÉ
If you are ever in Paris you have to go to a place called Noctambules on Boul. de Clichy. Used to be, every night a guy named Pierre Carré would sing these ridiculous anthems about traveling all over the world which were hilarious because he played there every night for 42 years so how the fuck could he have ever been to “Meh-x-i-c-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!”? He’s old now though and doesn’t get to perform as often but if he does, go see him and kiss yourself on the lips because you just became good luck!
Leave a Reply
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
Bad Behavior has blocked 4650 access attempts in the last 7 days.
hey gavin : not “fuk la pranes” (indeed does NOT mean anything) but “fuk la france”… that’s how you feel when everything shuts down before midnight, and you can’t spell anything right.
but you’re right, we got a problem with shit, it makes us lol very hard all the time. don’t know why.
12.01.08 at 12:54 pm
pigalle, montmartre… and it looks like you went to st germain too. you have to admit st germain is a noice spot! right?!
12.01.08 at 1:03 pm
“noice” was never funny.
12.01.08 at 1:07 pm
Your wife is very pretty and I commend you on your preeminent choice. Peace.
12.01.08 at 1:09 pm
sorry dur i actually typoed ‘nice’ because the ‘o’ is very close the ‘i’ on my keyboard.
and i never try to be funny because it’s too tough and i’m lazy.
and ‘fuk’ you. (oops! tried to be funny, see?)
12.01.08 at 1:20 pm
… and the width of the streets was also meant to avoid parisians to build barricades after the revolution i think.
12.01.08 at 1:28 pm
I’m sensing a bit of “Fedora Hypocrisy” here, Gav.
Maybe it’s some Swiss Mountain Climber hat. Close enough.
12.01.08 at 2:16 pm
And why exactly do the French act like they are better than us?
12.01.08 at 2:18 pm
ask any french, he’ll tell you the exact opposite.
12.01.08 at 2:19 pm
When you said “Mean Streets” you said a lot… Mook.
12.01.08 at 2:26 pm
“You could basically stick these on your dad and you’d still get a boner.”
totally
12.01.08 at 2:29 pm
FUCK LA FRANCE!!
obviously.
12.01.08 at 2:38 pm
WHAT IS UP WITH YOUR FUCKING SHOE FETISH!!!! THEYRE JUST FUCKING SHOES
12.01.08 at 2:46 pm
Someday I will go to France and shit in their dry toilet bowls.
12.01.08 at 3:24 pm
You should drop in on Switzerland and pick up some of that prescription heroin they just legalized.
12.01.08 at 3:40 pm
Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?
So the Nazis could march in the shade!
Hi oh! Cheese eating surrender monkeys!
12.01.08 at 3:53 pm
How can you identify a frenchman?
If his armpits are sunburned!
Hah! Jokes! French guys are such babes.
12.01.08 at 4:15 pm
Cute Costume! Let me guess. You’re supposed to be a gay debt collector from the 70s! “yo, ADRIANO!”
12.01.08 at 5:09 pm
you guys look rad. the food looks rad. that poop does not look rad. unhealthy parisians. ugh.
is that a painting of lizzie grubman?
12.01.08 at 5:10 pm
ooo, looks like vane$$a reads the bbc.
12.01.08 at 5:38 pm
that painting of the fat lady in a shopping cart is amazing!
12.01.08 at 5:46 pm
tommy gun @ 3:53 is not me. i like France. La Marais is the coolest nabe. go there and hang out – or Bastille.
12.01.08 at 5:54 pm
What’s the best thing about fucking a 4 year old french boy?
The look on his face when he realizes you are going to kill him.
What’s the worst thing about fucking a 5 year old french girl?
Blood on your clown suit.
12.01.08 at 6:13 pm
yeah french have a weird thing about faeces.
also, more on the shoes thing, you seem to know your stuff and thats good. nothing wrong with that.
12.01.08 at 6:36 pm
Hahaha! Blood on the clown suit! Hahahah!
12.01.08 at 7:52 pm
Looks like the Old Port in Montreal. (I figure that’s the closest i’ll get to a Paris experience, so I have convinced myself that they’re one in the same… sad, I know.)
12.01.08 at 8:35 pm
My mom gave me a painting she bought in Montmartre. It’s so good it makes me weep.
12.02.08 at 12:21 am
Q – What do you get when you stick a knife in a French baby?
A – An erection.
12.02.08 at 1:43 am
@hater(s) :
what’s the difference between an american child and a crab?
you have to break the cartilage to get the best of it.
i’m with you real tommy gun, the marais is one of the best places in paris.
12.02.08 at 4:27 am
i live in paris, i thnk its good. but its all about menilmontant and the 11eme/Bastille for everything good.
12.02.08 at 11:26 am