(And you thought Williamsburg was one big dorm room. In Montreal nobody works so there’s plenty of time for important stuff like dying your hair and goofing with the gals.)

The Baba Booey of Street Carnage, Arvind Dilawar is coming to Montreal today. He brought this up before and you made fun of him but he’s making the six hour trek from New York anyway. We haven’t lived there in about 10 years but here’s 10 things we told him he could do with while fucking the dog abroad.
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1- WALK AROUND THE PLATEAU (HIGHLIGHTED)
You want to spend most of your time hanging around Le Plateau. It’s basically, East of St. Laurent, west of St. Denis, north of Sherbrooke and South of Mount Royal. This is where the best people watching is and it harbors the fewest normies.

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2- WALK DOWN THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF ST LAURENT
Start at St. Viateur and walk South all the way down to the water. Should take an hour. On your journey you will go through: The old hipsters in Mile End, the Frogs of Mount Royal, the Portuguese (Pork and Cheese) of Marie Anne St., the Filles du Roi on Ave de Pins, weird Ginos after Prince Arthur St., tenacious Pakis after Sherbrooke, unilingual Frogs who hate “de (h)English” on Ontario, total fucking scumbags around St. Catherine St. (photo above), the world’s tiniest Chinatown (Mayor Jean Drapeau burnt the old one down because it got in the way of his highway, as the My Dog Popper song explains), and finally, a 400 year old neighborhood aptly named “Old Montreal.”
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3- LES TAM TAMS
It’s good for a laugh to go to the mountain and watch the hippies dance around all Sunday. We used to get stoned and die laughing. To do this you just go to Mount Royal and walk west until you hit grass.
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(This is like, a 6 in Montreal)
4- GIRL WATCHING
St. Laurent from Duluth to Ave Des Pins is the highest density of hot, French chicks you will ever see. Basically, Louis XIV shipped all hot sluts to Quebec 400 years ago and they bred with the Indians to create almost nothing but 10s. It really is a site to behold. Even girls like Girl Watching in Montreal because it’s such a spectacle. Whenever bands used to come to town, the first thing they wanted to do was grab a king can, sit on a bench, and stare.
Oh, wait. You’re going with your girlfriend. Way to bring sand to the Middle East, Arvind.
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5- GO TO STRIP CLUBS
They’re so sex-positive in Montreal, they’re almost HIV Positive. You can bring chicks with you and it’s not gross. Kind of takes the fun out of it to be honest. If you get too horny, excuse yourself and attend one of the many jack shacks in the city. For a loony ($1) you get a private booth and 30 seconds of endless porn. If you’re really dextrous, you can make the channels flip ridiculously fast until it feels like someone’s trying to brainwash you.
Then jizz on the floor.
Oh yeah, if someone knocks on your door, do not open it. I made that mistake once and some huge, gay, homeless, pervert tried to force his way in and suck my hard cock which was disturbing because I did have a hard cock because I had just been masturbating.

Clubs to check out include…

Club Chez Pare
1258 Rue Stanley
Pretty expensive but the girls are all 10s and it’s so huge you can always get a good seat. Girls who work here make a lot of money. BTW you don’t give strippers singles in Canada as we only have dollar coins. That means the only way they get money is lap dances and private dances so cheap people still get to see 100% nakedness no matter what they do.

Wanda’s
1310 boulevard de Maisonneuve Ouest
Chez Pare’s competition. Used to be the place where all the NHL guys would go but Chez Pare took over.

Super Sexe
696 Ste-Catherine W.
The McDonald’s of Montreal strip clubs. Pretty awesome place to meet your buddies and start out the night.

Cleopatre
1230 Boulevard Saint-Laurent
A total disgusting shithole with trannies on the top floor. If you have even a little bit of a sense of humor you have to go here and enjoy their $3 beers. There’s a great homeless people bar across the street (pictured above “Walk Down St Laurent”) that is also a blast. It wasn’t unusual for us to spend the entire night at these two places. The total bill will come in around $13.
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(This is actually fake poutinefor people who are sick of having to eat poutine. Sort of like when a supermodel dates an ugly guy)
6- EAT POUTINE
The other thing Montreal is great at is feeding you. There’s fancy places like L’Express (3927 St-Denis) which has the best French food in the world but you’d be better off enjoying a poutine at La Belle Provence. Poutine is cheese curds and gravy and it is hangover kryptonite.
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7- GET WASTED
The secret to any trip is to get wasted right away. It takes the heebie jeebies out of being in a new spot and turns the adventure factor up about 36%. Le Biftek (3702 St-Laurent) is the Max Fish of Montreal and it’s where we spent most of our time. Derrick and I both DJ’d there using cassettes (a technique Melissa Auf der Maur introduced to the venue when she was 16). I also saw him kick the shit out of the guy in Bootsauce. Ah good times.
Foufounes Electriques (87 St Catherine St. East) is a gigantic punk bar in the most literal definition of the word. It’s actually the reason I moved to Montreal but it’s greasy kids’ stuff now. Which you will like. But not me. Cuz I’m old.
French bars are also fun. The music is a lot more electronic and shitty but the girls are hotter. The Frenchiest French bar in Montreal is called Cheval Blanc over on 809 Ontario Est. but if that’s too much for you to handle, try its sister Bilykun over on 345 Mont Royal.
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8- MAKE A HUMAN SWASTIKA
This is a lot of fun when you have time to kill back at your hotel or on your friend’s floor. This is Derrick and our friend Joe demonstrating how easy it is at my parent’s house.
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9- GET US BAGELS
Not sure where New York Jews got the idea making a big, huge, fucking bun was called “a bagel” but it’s not cutting the mustard. We miss our sinewy, sweet, thin, Montreal bagels. Buy us as many as your car can handle and we’ll pay you back. You get them up in Mile End which apparently is the new Plateau. That’s Outremont Bagel (263 rue Saint-Viateur Ouest) and / or Fairmounnt Bagel (74 Fairmount Ave).
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10- GET EVEN MORE WASTED
I don’t think I ever saw Derrick sleep in his actual bed nor did I ever see him not lose his pants. This is the perfect city for it because – like I said – nobody works.

Oh yeah, and use a condom. Montreal has more venereal warts than it has tax breaks. Am I missing anything?

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