We toured the entire country making fun of shit. I handled the mockery of people’s pants and D. Erick focused on bad TV actors from the 80s. We made about $100 a show which is exactly one 35th of what the headlining band made unless you go per person in which case we made about the same ($50). If you’d like us to WOW your town you’re going to have to do better than that.
For example, see this show? It was in Boston at the Middle East. Some dudes who saw it wanted us to come back but it’s like, eight hours of driving, $80 in gas, $100 hotel, $50 projector rental… basically we’d need about $500 to make it worth it. Do you want to pay $500 to hear hack comedy like, “Oh oooh, gays are weird” and “Dicks are gross”? Come on. I mean, the period joke was funny but the rest is pretty lame. Not the kind of stuff you want to shell out a fifth of $2,500 for. Shit, how much does a comedian like Eugene Mirman get? You could probably get him for way less than $500 and at that guy’s got a real routine with actual jokes in it.
If you’re thinking about getting Street Carnage in your town do yourself a favor and don’t. You can’t afford us and we’re not worth it.
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
Bad Behavior has blocked 4390 access attempts in the last 7 days.
C’mon; it was a rad idea and you fucken loved it. Don’t be so self-depracating. Do be more self-defacating.
06.21.08 at 1:45 am
This is lazily unfunny. This is comedy made for old pijamas.
06.21.08 at 8:56 am
Now don’t you miss flying all over the world on VICE money, opening up VICE bars in London and going to VICE Scandinavia, VICE Australia, and VICE UK openings and anniversaries?
06.21.08 at 12:06 pm
Yeah, I think when their corporate overlords realize exactly how “creative” Shane Smith and Suroosh Alvi are, VICE will last approximately another week.
06.22.08 at 12:06 am
At first, I was like… Gavin is endearing, and it would be stupendous to meet him… but this material is sub par. But then you pointed that out yourself. And now you are endearing enough to be worth 500 dollars.
PS
There is this really weird thing where whenever I wish to leave a reply.. a username and a website are already written in for me.
06.22.08 at 2:19 am
no sunday funnies?
06.22.08 at 11:19 am
Can you imagine the dynamic, balls-to-the-wall, raise-the-roof, tent-revival atmosphere that would roll over a crowd like a lesbian bulldozer if Suroosh and Shane took to the road?
Me, neither.
06.22.08 at 1:52 pm
Okay, now the name was filled in with “sam” for me. Weird.
What’s so horrible about Suroosh and Shane? I like your work more, but they aren’t that bad.
Or are they?…
06.22.08 at 4:36 pm
i heard they are sell outs and have no balls
06.22.08 at 4:40 pm
“What’s so horrible about Suroosh and Shane?”
The overweening, overwhelming, overarching, overbearing sense I get is that they had very little to do with what made VICE popular. And I think that’ll become evident very, very quickly, if it hasn’t already.
And I’m sure they’ll toss “racist’ and “woman-beater” at me if anyone apprises them of my comments because that’s the easy and cowardly thing to do if you want to conjure liberal demons while scrambling to appease your liberal corporate bosses, but the fact will forever remain that Suroosh (I know nothing of Shane except he’s fat) was once a pretty devoted fan of mine, while I was never impressed with him in the least.
06.22.08 at 5:23 pm
Vice has even took note to this http://www.viceland.com/int/dd.php?id=1323
06.22.08 at 8:23 pm
Oh Jim Goad! I dont really care about anything, but I do think you’re making the internet more interesting.
By the time you’re through with it, they should call it “The Inter-esting-net!!!”
i used to think vice was one of the better things to come out of my generation, and now i cant even look at it.
blah blah blah american apparel parties, adidas art shows etc etc. it is however kind of cool that its gone through this change because things change, people grow up or whatever and want to buy a yacht. i can understand that.
it is also getting really lame with the people who dont work for corporates going on about how much corporations suck etc, how they’re smashing the state etc by not working there, and then they still want you to buy their stupid fucking t-shirt at the end of the day.
id rather work for a corporate and be honest about the fact that i dont have to give a flying fuck, than work for a small brand / label etc, and have to prostitute yourself everyday with this spin about how awesome your stuff is / how much you care / are passionate about your career / hate corporates etc, when you’re doing exactly the same work that the corporate people are doing, but really you just have more scratchy spraypaint filters photoshopped over your skull print t-shirts than they do (or less ad sponsor links to click on your blog, less drinks sponsors at your gig, whatever etc)
i just have a hard time believing this quasi-anti-establishment shtick based on who your employer is, when we’re all kind of greedy and shitty, i dont want to think that my greedy & shittyness is any less vile than anyone elses greedy shittyness just because they do ads for coca-cola and i do ads for *insert cool brand here*
ps. can i sign up on your forum please.
06.23.08 at 12:24 am
VBS is punk rock for the 21st century,” says Bono… I think I feel sick.
Fuck thats a fall from grace. For vice and for punk rock. (bono cant fall any lower)
That article is kind of a hit-piece on McInnes. You cant spin growing up and going corporate into “giving a shit”. Thats backwards. Isn’t it? I dont know.
Im not going to be ashamed for working for a corporate, but I’ll slit my throat before I say that I “give a shit” when Im working there (unless im lying)
VBS is punk rock for the 21st century… that still makes me feel shivery and ill. (not really)
06.23.08 at 1:56 am
Jim Goad,
I recently started reading your work. I finally discovered your flair while fucking around when I’m supposed to be studying for my Bio final.
I was not into your “women love unfeeling ogres” post, but I’m glad I read it. I think it was a cruel oversimplification to say women like “cavemen” because it is an evolutionary fact that we want our men to protect us physically. That is only one force in our romantic decisions. (Some people also argue that these were the types of men that leave us after impregnating us to keep spreading their seeds, and that’s why women like sensitive men. All moot points.)
You made the same error another very smart man made: ignore the power of cognition.
I bet your wife would not be so interested in making love to you when you perform manual labor if you she was not aware that you also ineffable talent in writing. I doubt she would get turned on if you only knew how to chop wood and fight off coyotes. We don’t merely want a “loudmouthed asshole douchebag.”
Also, it was frustrating that you pretend you have women all figured out. Skinner also thought had humans all figured out and he also totally disregarded the cognition of his subjects. This made him insufferable and big-headed. (Ever notice how literally big-headed he is, too? It’s rather funny. http://www.psychology.uiowa.edu/Faculty/wasserman/Glossary/skinner.jpg)
Your post set my heart aflutter. I’m only in high school, but I hope my marriage is as romantic and enchanting as yours. I had to precede this with criticism of your “performing menial labour as sexual foreplay” post because if I didn’t, well, I would be a feminist failure. (Seriously! “I doubt I’d ever get a boner if I obeyed a woman, either.” You are the most intelligent Neanderthal of all time. If you expect women to listen to men, you should listen to women… And it’s not all about getting a boner.)
Also, I think you were exaggerating how much of a douche you are in the article. It’s humble and kind to respond to your readers’ questions. Most bloggers don’t to keep their bullshit “mystique.” I think you’re a nice, adept man with a capricious tongue. And that’s perfect.
PS
That was pathetic of Vice. I understand now. All apologies.
06.23.08 at 2:12 am
and these motherfuckers better stop calling my moustache ironic, its really starting to piss me off.
06.23.08 at 2:18 am
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
GOERGE CARLIN DIED
GOERGE CARLIN DIED
I’m pretty sure it’s because he saw that “comedy” clip.
I only said that to make my comment somewhat related to the post.
Someone hold me. Hold me, Gavin, hold me.
06.23.08 at 3:03 am
yeah, so vice is corporate. big deal. that does not make this funny
06.23.08 at 3:54 am
“yeah, so vice is corporate. big deal. that does not make this funny.”
Hey, jackass—in his intro, Gavin describes the performance as “pretty lame,” so exactly how is your disapproval designed to sting?
One thing you’ll never see: Shane or Suroosh admitting they were NEVER funny, nor really endowed with anything in the way of creative talent.
No one said VICE being corporate made this funny. Keep setting up straw men, and I’ll keep setting them ablaze.
I’ll tell you what’s even more obvious—VICE’s sellout doesn’t make YOU or VICE funny, either. Their recent issues are a howling testament to that fact. Seen any of the 2008 DOs and DON’Ts?
So two extremely funny guys, Gavin and Derrick, have an off night, and a whiny keyboard-warrior fag such as you won’t shut the fuck up about it.
Look at these TRULY funny guys standing at attention and kissing the baby! Slap your knees at the hilarity of their cavalier usage of BALL-BUSTINGLY humorous phrases such as “growing up,” “caring,” “giving a shit,” and “making a difference”:
http://www.wired.com/entertainment/theweb/magazine/15-11/ff_vice
Why, my good man, they’re “ready to be taken seriously” now! That’s a good thing, because there’s NOTHING funny about any of them and never was. Derrick wasn’t one of the original VICE triumvirate, but in my estimation, he and Gavin were the only players there who had “the goods.” When they left VICE, so did “the funny.”
06.23.08 at 8:16 am
y’er all a bunch of fucking old cunts who need to stop sucking each other’s dicks and get a job outside hanging out on websites made for people 20 years younger than you.
06.23.08 at 8:46 am
Oooh…the “old” slur. Assuming you haven’t already jacked off to it, peep out my torso shot on the MENIAL LABOR thread. Betcha this old peckerwood could still box your ears off.
I could be 90, and I’d still be sharper and smarter than you.
By the by, is Gavin older than Suroosh and Shane? No? Then go to viceland and say the same thing, if you have half a nut…assuming you’re not some shill from there in the first place.
06.23.08 at 8:57 am
fuck ing right
06.23.08 at 11:42 am
Startlingly witty parry there, young’n! Y’know, being born in a certain year is QUITE an accomplishment, and it’s obvious when you have no other accomplishments to fall back on, it’s what you lean on.
Go create something, then come back and show it to the class. Otherwise, go suck your mom’s dick.
06.23.08 at 12:01 pm
Goad- Your remarks in the comment section are better than Vice’s greatest articles.
06.23.08 at 12:55 pm
i can understand why you’re pissed off, that wired article was a pretty sad hit-piece on your friend.
(but you are crazy as shit)
i think however the real issue here is why publications like wired continue to refer to young men with moustaches as being somehow “ironic”. three generations of men on both sides of my family all had moustaches, but if i want to wear one im somehow being “ironic”?
gethefuckouttahere
06.23.08 at 5:52 pm
Going toe-to-toe with Jim goad (literally or figuratively) is a fool’s errand. I’d back off it, mate.
06.23.08 at 6:02 pm
Yeah man, Jim Goad is so right. Caring and like, giving a shit about stuff is so over, unless it’s like, in an ironic way. God forbid anyone let their mental acuity evolve over tasteless dick jokes and tired shtick about reverse racism. Being cool is really about maintaining a completely overdone veneer of pushing the envelope, like using lots of curse words and combing the words “ball” and “ass” with a plethora of different nouns.
Listen, I’m not going to paint the Vice guys as saints and incredible journalists with magical foresight (foreskin?). A decent amount of their supposed journalism has been misinformed as well as hacky. And Gavin is a funny dude. He’s also 35. Now, I know it might serve him well to continue using lowbrow, vulgar humor, and nothing but that, and I enjoy it immensely, but come on man, people’s priorities and what they care about changes, as do businesses. They have to, if they want to stay successful. Gavin is usually hilarious (you’re not, though.) But there’s nothing wrong with caring about shit, and trying to figure out what’s going on in the world. Going to war zones takes a lot more balls than writing some tireless screed against affirmative action and I applaud them.
06.23.08 at 10:07 pm
Curious George, I realize it hurt your li’l-daffodil feelings that I didn’t bother to respond to your public plea to be allowed on my forum (I don’t find you interesting or verbally talented enough to allow such a thing), but if you want to call me “crazy as shit,” you’re invited to point out even a whit of logical error in anything I’ve written here. I can crush walnuts with my logic, kemosabe. Crazy and logical are mutually exclusive. And if you want to point to anything I’ve done in the past, I can rattle off mitigating circumstances up the yin-yang. And beyond that, I had a fucking brain tumor for 15-20 years that I can now blame for anything else. So, really, shut up. You can’t win.
But it goes way beyond the WIRED article. Lookee here:
http://www.egothemag.com/archives/2005/06/suroosh_alvi_1.htm
The incredibly fetching and seductive Suroosh says, “We will never compromise our editorial content.”
Oh, really?
It was only a few years ago that Suroosh eagerly copped to starting VICE as a direct result of being inspired by my magazine ANSWER Me!
But in my case, it sure as fuck seemed as if these noble aesthetes-on-a-mission didn’t mind banishing the writer who’d inspired them to start their mag the SECOND one of his articles cost them an advertiser. I was getting monthly assignments there until Puma UK apparently backed out of an advertising contract in the wake of my “Fun Facts About Slavery” article.
Editor Jesse Pearson, who has no evident talent with words, either, although he, too, is on record citing ANSWER Me! as one of his favorite magazines, told me about the Puma situation and then suddenly, magically, didn’t find any of my pitches interesting. Instead, he almost immediately issued a press release promising that VICE was going to “grow up.” It didn’t even matter that the article in question led to over a quarter-million words’ worth of responses (nearly all of those words devoted to—and failing to—find a logical hole in my article) on their website. Since I cost them an advertiser, I simply wasn’t going to help them in their bold, shiny quest to make “make a difference” and “give a shit.”
06.23.08 at 10:08 pm
Cite the anti-affirmative-action screed, moron. Cite it. Find it. Don’t toss it out there as if it’s real if you can’t back it up. Keep sending straw men down the pike so’s I can beat them to death.
And I think you meant “tiresome” instead of “tireless,” but you’re stupid, so I’ll let it slide.
I invest more care and thought into one sentence than those duplicitous, talentless hypocrites have into their entire lives. They can yammer all they want about “making a difference,” but their actions show they’re all about “making a buck.”
If you truly care to “make a difference,” open your fucking eyes and realize that slavery and war had and will continue to have more to do with GREED than anything else.
And, really, surviving prison and brain surgery…and STILL taking unpopular stances that put me in physical and legal jeopardy because I honestly feel I’m right…strikes me as a little more butch than anything they’ve done.
“Dude! War and racism are wrong!” VERY brave opinions to espouse. EXTREMELY bold and risky. It must make Viacom shit their pants every time they say such things.
06.23.08 at 11:07 pm
Mr Goad,
I appreciate your enthusiasm and commitment, but at this stage it seems to be a commitment to writing crazy stupid shit on the internet. not something to really be applauded, lauded, whatever you want to call it. at any rate, i referred to you as ‘crazy’ not because i have an expert opinion, not in regard to ever having MET you or thought about you or really being aware of you or anything you may or may not have done, but in regard to you sounding like a crazy piece of shit on the internet. cite examples, i know, footnotes, bibliography, evidence etc etc. telling some stranger to have a look at a recent photo of your torso on the internet and how for an old guy you can still box, is in my opinion, kind of fucking crazy. maybe its just stupid and weird, and kind of sad, i dont know. Take your pick mister ‘master debater’.
As for being allowed in your forum, come on, please. Please dude, please, please let me in etc etc. No but come on, seriously. Seriously this time. Please let me in. (Little bit of sarcasm going on)
I would like to show you more respect, but im not really aware of anything you’ve done. Im sure that means im some kind of idiot, but to be honest, i think you might be irrellevant. You can be the crazy man ranting on blog posts on the internet, or you could – actually i dont care what you do.
As for Vice, I think its sad, I think it sucks. I understand wanting to grow up and buy the yacht (as ive said before) but it seems to me that they didnt NEED to sell out, they were successful as shit anyway. they could tell puma to go fuck themselves over and over and not have to compromise anything. That was kind of the buzz about them, they got so big telling everyone to fuck off, why fucking stop just when its getting interesting? And you CANT spin growing up and going corporate into giving a shit. That IS fucking backwards. It is totally ok to sell out at any point – but you have to be honest about it. You dont get to take the money and the ass-reaming and then turn around and tell everyone you dont take it up the ass. I like how Against Me did it. At least they were honest about it the whole way.
Anyway, fuck you Jim Goad, you’re a dick. I know its a buzz to flame people and get attention on the internet, but I think what you have is called “delusions of grandeur”, and it means you’re a crazy person.
Just admit it and stop being a dick (and please please let me in your forum)
06.24.08 at 12:03 am
A few hours ago I was going to post something along the lines of, “If I’m crazy, it’s only because I argue with these schmucks thinking it’ll eventually sink in,” but you beat me to it. Point conceded there.
You might not know what it’s like to face legal and personal repercussions for repeatedly being accused of saying and writing things you’ve never said nor written—but I know what it feels like acutely—so I don’t think I’m entirely W-A-C-K-Y for insisting that these ding-a-lings who pluck false accusations straight from their bungholes should be required to back it up. If it had happened to you for years and years, you might form the impression that they make up things because they’re unable to adequately counter what I’ve actually said or written.
Megalomania? Obsessive-compulsive arguing? Passive-aggressive grammar correction? Rancid narcissism? Guilty on all counts.
Last thing, and I’ll let it rest…bringing up Against Me! is a sore spot, because ANSWER Me! came first. It’s an “A” word, followed by “Me” with an exclamation point. I want my “Me!” back, or I at least want them to kick down some royalties.
06.24.08 at 12:36 am
Seriously dude I dont know where you find the time, I’ve got to go back to work.
06.24.08 at 1:07 am