We went to Toronto to discuss matters of the television with our life coach Kenny Hotz. The first thing you notice about going back to Canada from New York is, nobody lives there. The streets are deserted. After the human traffic jams on Canal St., everywhere else looks like The Day After.
PS We hung out with Wheels Snake.
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We highly recommend LAN Airlines. Though they are totally incompetent and incapable of processing your bags under an hour, nobody is ever on the plane so you get the whole thing to yourself. Besides, who needs bags? The Empire Systems Parka can hold: undies, t-shirts, socks, a book, and even a can of coffee.
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We kept trying to explain to the cab driver how cool it was that we don’t bring any bags. He didn’t understand. So we re-explained it. He even pulled over and asked what the fuck we were talking about. We explained again. You’d think such a huge Rick Rubin fan would have a better command of the English language.
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We met with Kenny at a bar and brainstormed. That part was fun. What wasn’t fun was when the (stunning) waitress came by and he turned into a lecherous old Jew with the CORNIEST lines in the world. Including, “Do you have any Israeli in you? Want some?” Ugh.
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I love looking at the notes from these meetings out of context. Can you imagine what the bar’s janitor thought when he saw this!?
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We fucked Kenny that night without a condom. We found out later he is HIV.
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I kind of understand Kenny not being up front about his disease.
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This steak was cured for something like 7 months. Rich people are gross.
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They’ve always been gross.
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This is a bloodstain on a telephone pole in front of Kenny’s house. Some cyclist got cut off by a cab so he hit the hood and the cab driver FREAKED. He reversed his cab into the cyclist and then pinned him against the pole and kept grinding until his leg started to come off! Then he drove off. Everyone just walked by the bleeding cyclist because they heard that’s what they do in New York.
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Oh no biggie. Just our good pal WHEELS SNAKE! The first time I met him I said, “Hey man, I think I know you from Junior High.” He rolled his eyes and I didn’t get it so I kept going, “Did you go to D. Aubrey Moodie in Nepean?” Eventually, he explained he gets this all the time and he’s actually from Degrassi. Remember when Homer thought Happy Days happened to him? Apparently we all do that.
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The ultimate travel companion: it’s a shower and a new pair of underwear in the palm of your hand.
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By the end of the trip Kenny’s cock was a mess.
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prettttttttttttty sure thats SNAKE and not WHEELS.
01.09.09 at 11:59 am
Everybody wants something
They’ll never give up
Everybody wants something
They’ll take your money
And never give up
-The Zit Remedy
01.09.09 at 12:01 pm
Kenny and I have the same body.
01.09.09 at 12:02 pm
Def Snake
01.09.09 at 12:18 pm
That sucks. Snake. No wonder he rolls his eyes at you. I’ve always been on the subway whizzing by those HIV stigma posters, now i finally know what they say. Toronto is the shittiest city in the world.
01.09.09 at 12:31 pm
gavin. i like your shoes. my husband should wear them, too. what are they?
01.09.09 at 1:04 pm
Red Wings.
Wow, Midtown reunion.
01.09.09 at 1:09 pm
ew. those really long thin penises freak me out. they feel like someone’s going at you with a cold hot dog.
01.09.09 at 1:23 pm
Wow, look at Gavin with his designer jeans, button downs, and hair pomade.
01.09.09 at 1:27 pm
Yep, I remembered having a British butler for years. Turns out it was Mr. Belvedere.
01.09.09 at 1:38 pm
The inherently hairy ethnicities must have coined that phrase; particularly those from Eastern Europe and the Middle East. This is unfortunate because, as it has weaseled its way into Kenny’s genetic composition, we’re left with graphic images of beautiful waitresses being hammered with Gladys Knight’s scalp.
01.09.09 at 2:37 pm
kenny hotz IS HIV
01.09.09 at 3:44 pm
You should have known him immediately, because Degrassi: The Next Generation is, quite honestly, a brilliant fucking show.
01.09.09 at 4:37 pm
i like your list. it is funny.
01.09.09 at 5:26 pm
packerspackerspackers
01.09.09 at 5:42 pm
how the fuck do u cure a steak? do u like , pickle it or something?
01.09.09 at 7:03 pm
btw, one of my best friends, all she drinks is makers on the rocks. that’s her drink and nothing else. take that as you will. I’ve also never seen her drunk, although she can drink 1 after another.
01.09.09 at 8:10 pm
10 bux says Kenny lives west of Parkdale or in the Scarborough Bluffs
01.09.09 at 9:00 pm
like kenny vs spenny, these two, beckles and mcinnes, should compete against each other except they should do like thunder bay person and do push ups plus the drugs, the show will aptly be called, Who Can Do More! OHhhh they can’t do that on television. a fuunnier ripoff of kenny vs spenny then. get kenny and spenny to be the film crew. just a thot.
01.09.09 at 9:33 pm
This must have been a while ago because there is a fuck load of snow in Toronto right now…
And i heart Kenny vs. Spenny. I also saw a Testees episode a couple of weeks ago and it was hilarious. The one where one of the guys turns into a vegetable after being given a double dose. I almost died when the guy chewed his food for him and spit it in his mouth. almost. died.
01.09.09 at 10:36 pm
dude. kenny lives at dovercourt. that’s where that bicyclist was rammed a few months ago.
so now we all know.
01.09.09 at 11:31 pm
Why is Snake-Wheels’ super jacket shining?
01.10.09 at 12:52 am
Kenny fukin Smit, pint gard bitch–spacklesent fundry on ease. Dean Smit.
01.10.09 at 1:20 am
YYZ
01.10.09 at 4:40 am
Here’s the cyclist thing
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/toronto/story/2008/11/21/taxi-bicycle.html
01.10.09 at 2:15 pm
For his reckless driving wasn’t Wheels condemned by the Crown to an eternity of searching for his “dad” — actually Lanny MacDonald — in fuckin’ like Guelph or Goderich or somewheres?
01.10.09 at 7:19 pm
beckles looks like a scary blind man in the 4th pic. why do you look like you have cataracts? gross.
01.11.09 at 9:15 pm
Why have Jews such small cocks? Im sure Gavin dont feel dick all when its up his bot-bot.
Kenny needs to beat the shit out of his penis, swell it up and add some girth to it or something. Im sure if he changed his name last name to Jenkins, it may beat losing 10 pounds to gain an inch.
01.12.09 at 8:56 am
Hey look! It’s that crack whore from the Midtown!
01.12.09 at 1:44 pm
holy crap gav looks rly good for once. (not dirty). HAWT
01.13.09 at 1:12 pm