All that you need to know about working at a Northern Canadian goldmine is that it sucks. This is my last fucking two-week shift. I quit. Here’s what I won’t miss:
INDIANS
Just kidding! The Natives up here are the best. They are always saying “eeeeeeeeee!” before bursting into hysterics. “Eeee” means “just kidding” in Ojijakoe. They have countless scars and homemade tattoos and use funny faces. I cannot understand what the fuck they are always laughing about, but I wish I did.
NO BOOZE
It’s a dry camp. Also, you are FORBIDDEN to leave the square mile of this incredibly remote, fly-in-only goldmine that is 1,000 kilometers north of the Canadian border. It is:
COLD AS SHIT
Winters last from October until May, and it hits and holds -40° (That’s Celsius AND Fahrenheit). I think that the guys here prefer this to the summer months, though, because once June arrives, the air conditioners in the buildings get CRANKED even though it’s impossible to break a sweat in July.
PAINFUL CONVERSATIONS
Is there anything worse than talking about what it is that you are doing? Like, talking about food while you are eating, talking about your job while you are working, or talking about drinking beer while beer is slopping down your shirtfront?
UPDATE: This morning, a guy took off his hardhat and put his face into his hands and told me that if he had the chance “to do it all over again” from when he was 21, he would just “swallow a bullet” instead. Isn’t that fucked? I suggested that it’s “never too late”, but he just shook his head sadly and muttered something about kids. It was heavy. He also blamed women. I said that he should really just blame himself, but that seems to be the absolute last person that people will blame: themselves. Anyway, how’s that for a workplace conversation at 6:45 in the morning?
QUIT
This week, I quit my job. I also cancelled my future-job, sold my car, pawned most of my shit, and bought a one-way ticket to the City. Why not? Fuck swallowing bullets.
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who wrote this?
where can i read more
07.24.08 at 4:02 pm
this sounds like it was written by some neon wearing asshole crying in his PBR.
pick up RIVETHEAD: TALES FROM THE ASSEMBLY LINE by Ben Hamper
you can get it used on amazon for 99cents.
07.24.08 at 4:43 pm
Wow.
Great post. Depressing, but great.
07.24.08 at 6:00 pm
Isn’t this the same dude who wrote the North Philly article?
07.24.08 at 6:53 pm
No, but it’s the same dude that sodomized your sister.
07.24.08 at 7:31 pm
Nice! I’m glad you posted this bud…I think you changed it slightly from what you sent me earlier? Anyways, fucking cheers guy.
All you other fuckers that bash him: I would fuck you up in real life quite easily, I’m huge. Leave your name next time.
07.24.08 at 8:59 pm
Chief, quite being a fucking pussy….
07.24.08 at 10:18 pm
North Crack Philly
07.24.08 at 10:39 pm
you trying to be the big boss or somthing?
looking out for your little brother?
you tell me
you.. fuck-ing… tell me
07.24.08 at 11:14 pm
hey chief, fuck you, you stupid bitch.
hah, i love the internet
fag
07.25.08 at 3:06 am
by the way ^ thats my real name
07.25.08 at 3:07 am
anyone who gives an internet threat is 100% retarded Neanderthal douchebag loserbitch in real life. every single fucking time. cracks me up
07.25.08 at 3:12 am
I work on this
http://www.seaproduction.no/index.php?name=Current_Projects1
07.25.08 at 5:24 am
I know exactly what he’s talkingabout with the hating on women thing, plenty of people come home to find a for sale sign out the front of thier old home with no sign of spouse or children. Old divorceee’s are fucking depressing to talk to in any enviroment, but out here its torture.
I once had an old dude tell me “When you get to my age, you’ll look back and wish someone told you back then that the road ahead truly is paved with broken dreams.”
It’s fucking funny as fuck. You just gotta laugh at the miserable old cunts.
07.25.08 at 7:47 am
I am proud of every single thing that you write. Not just because I made you what you are as a human being, but because I read it and the last sentence of each paragraph makes me laugh and is perfectly timed.
07.26.08 at 3:25 am
new rule: no commenting on your friend’s shit
07.30.08 at 9:13 pm
Thank God for you, after reading about the ways you were justifying going to a Canadian gold mine, I would have to imagine only going to a Canadian goldmine would show you what a terrible fucking idea that is. I’ve never been, but for fucks sake. Well written, glad to hear you left.
03.18.09 at 9:45 pm