In stank contrast to the phony AIDS epidemic of the 1980s, at least one person you know actually will die as a result of using their mobile communications device in the next five years.
iPhone / Android / Blackberry — Twitter / Facebook / Fagsquare: Regardless of your technology of choice, what unifies us all is that we’re all addicted to this crap. The fact is, we ALL text and check our phones while should be doing other shit.
You’ve probably already come close to getting killed by your phone — I know I have: I was almost hit by a bus while tweeting across 14th street, I almost crashed into a divider while checking Google maps, and I almost had my phone SHOVED up my anus by a black guy while I was cluelessly texting in the open doorway of a subway car.
We’re fucking dead. The NY Times confirms it.
We’re 28% more likely to get into an accident while texting — yet EVERYONE continues to do it and there’s no way we’re gonna stop.
Traditionally, when we face a problem of this magnitude, we can count on celebrities to mount large scale campaigns like Rock Against Drugs and Rockers against Drunk Driving.
The ironic thing about these movements is that they were fairly misguided as far as saving lives was concerned: Drugs are fun and they don’t kill THAT many people, proportionally speaking. Furthermore, as we’ve agreed in the past, driving slightly buzzed or stoned actually makes you a better driver because you’re so paranoid about getting caught that you DRIVE MUCH MORE CAREFULLY.
We all know that the REAL threat to a driver’s safety isn’t drugs: iI’s that the act of driving a car is SO automatic and so easy that drivers feel like they can fuck around, not pay attention, text and look at twitter, and then BAM — that’s what fucks you.
Texting behind the wheel is likely the most serious preventable threat that our generations have faced. So why aren’t celebrities coming out against it?
It’s not because celebrities have stopped caring about human life: Remember, they just did a remake of We Are the World for Haiti.
The last time I checked, celebrities were still anti-AIDS, so what would be so bad about coming out against a TRUE epidemic that cross-cuts all racial barriers and most class boundaries and affects everyone?
Gays, straights, transgenders — texting is an equal opportunity killer the way we pretended AIDS was; and therein lies its downfall as a supportable cause:
Since texting TRULY doesn’t discriminate, it makes for a VERY unsexy cause for which to fight. Too bad: It’s only sexy to speak out about against a problem if it primarily affects minorities, poor people, or the downtrodden.
There’s your evidence, as if you needed any, that celebrities are full of shit and couldn’t give a FUCK about aids victims — they just speak out against what gives them the most marketing bang for their buck.
Coming out against texting would be suicide for any hip celebrity — even though texting and twitter and shit is now completely mainstream, you’d sound like a Spock-loving gayscout saying “Don’t text and drive.” It’s like saying “WEAR YOUR SEATBELT” in 1950. It just sounds gay.
There’s only one cure for this problem: We can’t sit around and wait for celebrities to help us — we need to realize we can’t be trusted. As much as a pain in the ass it is, we should solve this problem with a sledge-hammer and employ software that measures your iPhone’s fucking GPS and doesn’t let you use it while you’re moving from 2-100 miles an hour (> 100 mph is OK so you can still use it on planes).
Fuck Ben Franklin — let’s trade liberty for safety or we’re going to die.
And no, I’m not going to end this post by mashing the keyboard to type a whole bunch of phony letters like:
xfsdaaaaaaajbvdafhxusiworufsdafffff ]]]]]]]]]]]] aaaaaaaaaaaaa
to make it seem like I got hit by a bus while typing because a) that’s played as shit, b) I wrote this on the Q train, and c) this is fucking serious.
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About the 2-100 mph thing, what if you’re a passenger in the car? Also I’d just like to say how well thought-out and developed all your posts are.
05.05.10 at 12:10 pm
Whaaaaa, a PSA from Street Carnage. Don’t txt and drive. Shit, don’t WALK IN THE FUCKING STREET while txting.
I’m from California. I once rolled a joint while driving, got a hummer while driving, and changed pants while driving (late for a wedding). Who says driving while txting is dangerous?
What’s dangerous are the morons who are both listening to their Apple Zunes while txting and walking in the street and in my way (I was the black guy in the aforementioned Web Log posting threatening to insert Benji’s txt box into said rectum).
I’m fine in a car, with my seatbelts on, with airbags everywhere, and OnStar to call me to ask if I’m okay. The law should state you can ONLY txt while driving.
There’s your PSA.
05.05.10 at 12:21 pm
The only positive thing Oprah has ever done, besides expose Tom Cruise as a freak, is to come out against texting.
Personally, I think we should have roadside snipers who take out distracted drivers. I think that would cure it. Distracted walkers will take care of themselves.
And hey all you compulsive texters, you know what? It makes you look really insecure and uncool. Try having some confidence and being comfortable being alone. Steve McQueen, Marlon Brando, and James Dean never texted. Neither does Jack White of the White Stripes.
05.05.10 at 12:23 pm
I agree with Charles.
Ty, cool story bro, you always have plennnnnnty to say and text apparently. Hopefully your persona wears off when you’re actually behind the wheel
05.05.10 at 12:42 pm
Common sense tells me celebrities are full of shit and couldn’t give a FUCK about aids victims. Bieber.
05.05.10 at 1:21 pm
fucking texting bitches. i almost get hit by someone texting in their car at least once a day one my commute to and from work. If i see them before they see me (all the time) I honk the horn at them. 8/10 of them drop their phones
05.05.10 at 1:31 pm
9/10 times when some moron nearly creams me while I’m riding my bike, they’re fucking with their phone. This is nearly a daily occurance.
Hey Ty, you may be safely tucked away in your steel cage, but what happens when you rear-end me or clip my handlebars? Asshole…
05.05.10 at 2:07 pm
Dear Bro,
23% more likely to get in an accident while txting
I bet you got 28 from:
28% of accidents are caused by cell phones (which this bro finds to be a much more telling statistic)
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/01/12/AR2010011202218.html
It’s ok bro, keep at it
05.05.10 at 2:16 pm
I died and Numbers Bro still wants to pretend to be me. Some things in life need MasterCard.
05.05.10 at 2:22 pm
Just think, 130 years ago Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone and people marvelled at the genius. Now, we go back to the telegraph days…
How R U?
I M good! U?
me 2! : )
Unless you got a voicebox or are communicating with the deaf, pick up the fucking phone and talk. Or better yet, just shut the fuck up, you got nothing to say 99% of the time anyhow.
05.05.10 at 2:27 pm
You make an interesting point regarding celebrities only wanting to step out for edgy causes. I’d never thought about it but you’re right. when was the last time you heard celebrities do anything for prostate cancer, which is the biggest killer of rich white men.
05.05.10 at 2:44 pm
None of that bro shit here please. Save it for hipsterrunoff and your buttbuddies.
05.05.10 at 3:05 pm
Ya, Oprah freaks out about this shit all the time. I’d say that’s a pretty good platform for the cause, what with every mother in Northa America watching that shit. “DON’T TEXT WHILE DRIVNG! DON’T TEXT WHILE DRIVNG!” In that excited fat black woman voice, that sounds exactly like my mother’s fat black woman voice.
05.05.10 at 4:52 pm
Its fun trying to do more then one thing in a car. I drive a stick shift and always try rolling cigarettes and getting stuff from the back seat. texting long conversations. Its like how much shit can I do while I drive and avoid hitting the car in front of me in rush hour traffic. try it everyone, its a game of skill.
05.05.10 at 5:28 pm
i’m just going to assume most of the people on here think there’s overpopulation, so why the whine about upping the daily danger factor? i’m all for vehicular darwinism, texting related deaths are nature’s way of saying you should be driving a big car-type truck. Nobody is forcing you to weave in and out of traffic on your foldable bike. i get hit by bikes all the time just walking on the sidewalk without any phones being involved, wheres my non-profit foundation?
Let’s outlaw the future while we still can!
05.05.10 at 6:01 pm
Also, please ban Ty.
05.05.10 at 6:11 pm
hit up thatsnotcool.com it tells kids to not text because it will never get you laid. ever. because it’s not cool to text some chick you wanna put your dick in.
05.05.10 at 6:25 pm
is Ray LaHood not a celebrity with you posers? what do you people do with your lives i don’t even know
05.05.10 at 7:31 pm
yeah I’m making my kids drive a stick shift…
05.05.10 at 9:09 pm
Holy shit I was funny. It’s so ironic how I died oh OHHHHHH
05.05.10 at 9:14 pm
Shut the fuck up Woody Allen.
05.05.10 at 10:40 pm
Outlawing the future is a solid idea all around, keeps us all relevant. I would also suggest, that based on his flickr account, I wouldn’t cast Ty as the threatening subway thug he fancies himself to be. Fancy lads!!!
05.05.10 at 11:25 pm
Ok this was a good jew one – next week be a nigger
05.06.10 at 6:56 am
Haha!
05.06.10 at 9:03 am
i wish to make it known that i DID NOT leave that second comment calling for the banning of one Ty Hardaway, i consider him an all around stand up fellow and thoroughly enjoyed his rebuttal to this goofy article. His name alone sounds like some sort of fantastic, sports celebrity endorsed contraceptive device.
Whoever did that should be ashamed of themselves!
05.06.10 at 10:15 am
That wasn’t me
05.06.10 at 10:46 am
tl;dr
05.06.10 at 12:25 pm
The celebrity cause thing… so that’s why there’s never a benefit for victims of gout.
05.26.10 at 4:35 pm