While political correctness has long since sucked the fun and holiness out of celebrating the founding moments of our country, the arrival of Thanksgiving still requires all Americans to seriously watch our asses.
Not only does Thanksgiving have AIDS (The once plump, rotund holiday of feather-indians, longhouses, indian corn, pilgrims and gourds and shit is now a skinny, sore-bodied day of generic introspection and non-nationalistic recognition of what we can all be thankful for) – Not only does Thanksgiving have AIDS; Thanksgiving is in fact very similar to AIDS Itself.
More accurately, Thanksgiving is the HIV gateway which leads to the full-blown AIDS of the Holiday Season:
The same way that AIDS punishes sodomists, deviants, drug addicts, homos and gamblers, Thanksgiving takes its scathing vengeance upon the lonely and the incurably arrogant.
Thanksgiving marks the beginning of a very dangerous time of year – more Americans will die of suicide in the next 6 weeks than from Swine Flu and all of that bullshit combined.
Tomorrow is when it all begins – lonely people start to feel amorphously, inexplicably melancholy, and by Christmas night, they’re swingin from a belt over a shower curtain rod.
Everyone knows at least one guy with a mesh Ashton Kutcher hat who “isn’t doing shit” for Thanksgiving – he gave his family the finger after they made him start contributing to the rent this year – he poo-poos the importance of being with Friends and Family™ on Thanksgiving, and instead he’s gonna get high and surf BitTorrent tomorrow night because no one else is on and he thinks he’ll get the best transfer rates.
I got some news for that guy:
#1 – BitTorrent transfer rates aren’t any better over Thanksgiving because normal people set their shit up to download and THEN go to Thanksgiving with their Friends and Family™.
#2 – You’re gonna be dead by Christmas.
At the risk of sounding like Doctor Drew addressing a gay bath house foyer in 1981, let me say the following: If you have no friends or family with whom to spend Thanksgiving dinner, it’s nature’s way of telling you that you’ve made a SERIOUS life error.
Friends and family are extremely important and it doesn’t count to just have some guys that you email about MANGA. You need to live in a place where you have actual physical friends and connections close by. If you have none, then make some or move. You need to look around, and figure out why you think everyone else is the asshole when in real life it’s actually you.
If you choose to ignore this warning and walk into that bath house anyway, I guarantee you will become more and more depressed until by Christmas you snap like Major Nidal Hasan at a Why We Fight continental breakfast.
HEED THIS WARNING – HOPE IS NOT LOST:
In addition to the use of condoms, the following survival tactic is available to you in 2010: Keep these moments of loneliness and depression in your head, and use them to affect the way you act over the next year:
Getting into a mid-April argument with a loved one? About to give your brother or sister or mom or wife the finger? Think twice, and make sure to carefully evaluate whether your failure to compromise in that situation might lead to a lonely Thanksgiving and death.
If you treat people well and are a good person, you will be invited to Thanksgiving celebrations. Conversely, if you persist with unrepentant hedonism and arrogance, you will die of AIDS.
IF THIS HAS CAUGHT YOU BY SURPRISE:
You are in luck for this year and this year only. Consider it your opportunity for a do-over: Derrick is having an open Thanksgiving celebration, which you are welcome to join – contact him for details.
For the future, however: I know that your devotion to your “scene” requires that you pretend not to give a fuck – but you need to at least secretly admit to yourself that you give a fuck if you are going to live a happy and AIDS-free life.
The only guy I know who LITERALLY does not give a fuck is this guy.
Awesome (fleeting) feelings aside, are you really prepared to embody his spirit and walk his path? No you are not: Look at his closet.
Friends and Family™: life’s objective way of keeping score; God’s one true evaluation system. The New Money, more stable than Gold: Get with the program, or get with the AIDS.
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i spend holidays with a few people i actually like nowadays but my best holidays of yesteryear were the ones i spent alone. not everybody needs or wants a group of people to validate their worth. plenty of people actually do worse preparing for or after spending time with “loved ones”, that’s why suicide rates go up around holidays. it’s not the ones who dare to be alone who off themselves, it’s the ones who push themselves to be with their families who they usually deal with in only small doses the rest of the year who wind up slipping the knot.
check with your local psych hospitals. patients are always at their worst after returning from therapeutic day passes attempting to reintegrate with family systems. it takes balls to admit you’d rather be alone and then allow yourself to enjoy yourself once you’ve decided to do it.
11.25.09 at 12:01 pm
I was alone for one thanksgiving in california – I was too badass to come home for it.
It’s true that it fucked my head up, but I was ultimately ok only because I knew I *had* family I could be with – I just had chosen not to. Yeah, if I had no one, I’d have to pull the trigger.
By the way, what the fuck is with that Turkey? What ELSE did the beings say?
11.25.09 at 12:12 pm
^ anonymous- I’m guessin ‘psych hospital patients’ probably have problems that can’t be fixed by blog posts. Nice job Benjamin.
11.25.09 at 12:20 pm
^psych hospital pts admitted around holiday time are usually suffering from major clinical depression, suicidal ideation or are failed suicide attempts. this same population also tends to be surrounded by family, they are not loners. see the relevance to the post now?
11.25.09 at 12:27 pm
The best is that the guy spending Thanksgiving alone is the guy getting angry and Anonymously arguing in the comments section of an internet post when everyone else is traveling to see their family.
I guess this proves your point.
11.25.09 at 12:31 pm
That guy is fucking hilarious. He has other videos but that one takes the cake. Does anyone know who the hell he is? He looks like my uncle.
11.25.09 at 12:55 pm
Actually thanksgiving would be the worst weekend to bittorrent because if nobody Is downloading, nobody is seeding either, so you have no one to download from.
11.25.09 at 1:11 pm
Thanksgiving was last month.
11.25.09 at 1:11 pm
I like turtles.
11.25.09 at 1:35 pm
Was this written in 2006?
11.25.09 at 1:49 pm
^anony – no, I do not see the relevance, because you are making a link that does not exist. Patients are admitted for that no matter what time of the year. THE ENTIRE population ‘tends to be around family’ at this time of the year. The point you make is like seeing a word in alphabet soup, and then remarking that words tend to be made of letters.
11.25.09 at 1:50 pm
Where does Derrick live?
11.25.09 at 1:54 pm
I don’t actually celebrate thanksgiving. It’s like celebrating easter or good friday. Where’s the fun part? Pumpkin pie cheesecake is fucking excellent though.
11.25.09 at 1:54 pm
@cortney
neither he nor i posted about the “entire population” or about the “entire year” so stop inserting erroneous generalizations into this. he posted specifically about those who are alone during this time of year and how he believed there to be a positive correlation between being alone and feeling suicidal. i replied specifially about the population that is admitted to a psych hospital during this, the holiday season, and how it consists mainly of those who are suicidal and how they tend not to be loners.
u r 1. rilly dum or 2. just being obtuse in support of your friend.
gobble gobble, happy turkey day. enjoy your proverbial family noose.
11.25.09 at 2:05 pm
Actually Courtney, sorry – I just re-read what you wrote and I see now that I was actin dumb.
Chalk it up to lonliness and cabin fever!
11.25.09 at 2:46 pm
As a non-Yank, I really don’t understand all of this Thanksgiving nonsense. Isn’t Halloween and Christmas enough for you fuckers, without feeling the need to greedily squeeze in yet another excuse to eat and drink too much and make a complete twat of yourself? And what, exactly, are you being “thankful” for anyway? Hundreds of years ago, when the coming of the harvest was a genuinely important event that would have seemed, to many people, as if God was rewarding his creation for being suitably grovelling serfs, I could perhaps understand all the hoopla. Nowadays, though, most of our food is intensively mass-produced all year round in a variety of different countries, and certainly not in a single yearly “harvest”. As such, isn’t it time to put a stop to this out of date and overly sentimental, mawkishly nauseating bullshit? Christmas and New Year are the times for gathering with your friends and family. For Christ’s sake, you do not need another one in late November. Even though I don’t live in America I need to listen to this wanky tripe every single year. Put a fucking sock in it, you yankee cunts.
11.25.09 at 3:34 pm
the thing that pisses me off about thanksgiving is the next day, when people talk about how much they ate. NO FUCKING DUH! that and this idian guy I know, he celebrates thanksgiving, which to me is a sell-out move. He should be all Public Enemy about it in my opinion. I actually learned some navajo words just because he doesn’t even speak his own language, just to fuck with him. Not that I speak viking or whatever, but still.
11.25.09 at 4:43 pm
Look.
Blognigger was invented by your computer programmer cousin(?), then you guys invented your own popularity with sock puppet praise, and then you guys quit because ultimately it was failure (as a brand of course).
The only thing we got out of it was two examples of what you can get if you cross a jew with a negro. Sub-semi-interesting, and not too surprising. Mentioned on Gawker, but far less tweeters than Lauren White. Nice one.
So now we’ve got BlogBenjamin (the tweeting half). What’s the point of this crap? Are you just “thankful that you have a forum in which you can be heard?”
What a fag.
11.25.09 at 5:21 pm
Thanksgiving has AIDS? I’m so glad to hear that it has something in common with your writing.
P.S. TOO LONG.
11.25.09 at 7:19 pm
I like the people that get up at 3 AM the next morning to go to WalMart to buy a cheap DVD player.
That’s what Thanksgiving is about, Charlie Brown.
11.25.09 at 7:53 pm
Jaysar = Vane$$a.
Jim Goad owned you and you are powerless forever.
11.25.09 at 9:28 pm
IP COP = Jaysar.
11.25.09 at 9:42 pm
Don’t celebrate, hang with indians and don’t mention it.
11.26.09 at 2:09 am
I have Thanksgiving AIDS, but I find that booze helps to alleviate the symptoms.
11.26.09 at 4:28 am
WTF? Seriously, the vast majority of people who have these near-death experiences describe it very similarly. I even read this book by an MD who, after “dying” in a hospital, got a flying tour (led by Jesus, of course) and was shown different realms of spiritual existence in cities he had not yet visited only to be dropped off again at his body when the tour was over. Like it was straight out of “A Christmas Carol,” or something. Oh wait, that’s the next holiday. Or Easter?
11.26.09 at 4:38 am
Vane$$a, I don’t get it. Why would you be glad for Thanksgiving to have something in common with someone’s writing. It doesn’t make sense.
Also, it’s really true that Jim Goad took you down a couple of notches. you’ve lost some of your shine.
11.26.09 at 8:52 am
benjamin, you are my dream boy.
11.27.09 at 12:25 am
Funny post but you lie. I showed up at Derrick’s and he was pissed.
11.27.09 at 12:21 pm
If you stop doing this and go back to pretending to be a funny black guy I’ll play along.
11.27.09 at 11:51 pm
All American family traditions are surrounded by a ridiculous amount of anxiety. Not to be all Tony Robbinsy, but I think it’s because everyone just goes there hoping it isn’t horrible instead of hoping to have a good time. So everyone goes, has a tolerable time. ( Unless there are some little kids around, then they have a good time. ) Enjoy your families, because your parents are going to die soon & your siblings are going to get married and be boring sooooner. It’s not like you’d do something better if left to you own devices
11.28.09 at 12:13 am
Suicide rates go up in spring, not the holiday season.
11.28.09 at 2:53 pm
ICUP = Vane$$a
11.30.09 at 8:17 am