–Are you racist?

–Yes, but I hate no one.

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For those of you who haven’t been paying attention to Norwegian news (who does?), Varg Vikernes is out of prison. Varg is ‘The’ Norwegian Black Metal guy, convicted in 1994 of premeditated murder, four counts of arson, and some burglary. To sum up his path of destruction–according to the Norwegian media–he offed an ex-friend by literally stabbing him in the back (many times) and was held responsible for the burning of at least four churches; one dating back as far as the 12th century. Well, after 16 long and seemingly comfortable years in prison, the dude is out.

Despite his offenses, he made parole, thus shortening his maximum Norwegian prison term of 21 years. And that’s even after being caught with a shitload of survival gear, assault weapons, and a fake passport– all while on short leave in 2003 from a low security prison. After this little episode, justice was served, and the Norwegian court extended his term by fourteen months. On top of that, he’s put out gold records, written a soon to be published book, and conceived a baby boy…from prison.

As soon as you hear this story and google images of Norway’s version of hard labor, you may immediately think of an American prison like Rikers or Rahway, and might fantasize about flying over there and robbing a bank so you can live it up… just like those geniuses, the Eastern Europeans. If Varg was American, the States would off locked him up and kept him as far away from pussy and guns as possible, like they did to these poor kids.

While on vacation in Norway as I write this, I brought up ol’ Count Grishnackh’s prison stretch in conversation with a cousin, and was informed of this enlightening deleted scene from Michael Moore’s ‘Sicko’. (I know Mike Moore is hard to listen to, but hang in there until 5:25.)

Very interesting. But shut your fat mouth Michael Moore, you bleeding heart fuck. You piss me off exactly as much as your doppelganger Limbaugh. Don’t get me wrong now, Norway truly does deserve international #1 spots in many things from health care to seafood. But you cannot began to compare it to the never ending neurotic clusterfuck that is the U-S-A. Norway has a homogeneous population half the size of New Jersey for crying out loud, with wayyy more space. So when there is a small population of people, comprised of almost one ethnicity, with a very progressive mindset, a fuck ton of elbow room, and lots and lots of oil, you’re gonna get a pretty awesome place to make babies.

That being said, I totally want to move here.

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3. NAKED SNOW ANGEL ON GRAND STREET
4. DEAR STREET CARNAGE: JORDAN USED TO DRESS FRESH AS HELL
5. DEAR STREET CARNAGE: MY FRIEND IS IN A HONG KONG JAIL CELL