It’s not often that a writer sits down and candidly discusses his morning erections. If you’re a male, I’m sure you’ve had a morning erection. If you’re a female, chances are you’ve accidentally bumped into a morning erection. What are we to make of it all?
Scientists—who rarely know anything about writing—call the phenomenon of sleepy-time erections “nocturnal tumescence,” and I think I saw them open for Cannibal Corpse about ten years ago. Scientific theories abound for why men pop boners while asleep, but if you take a good look at most scientists, I wouldn’t trust them to know anything about sex. So I—a man so unbearably sexy, I stink up the room—am left to roam the dark perimeter beyond polite society and ponder morning wood as if it were a philosophical dilemma. The idea that men are slaves to their dicks is a social truism. The notion that men are powerless to contain their gorilla urges is a popular one. More than one girlfriend has told me that because I’m a man, I have absolutely no control over my sexual impulses. I like to think this is untrue except in the case of the morning erection. For that, I have absolutely no explanation. And this is why it upsets me. I look down, and there it is. I can’t rightly deny it. It’s a proud sunflower reaching upward toward all the warmth and light the world has to give. It stands like a gleaming rifle cocked to blast through the nearest little white dove. It leads me around like the big steel handle on a little red wagon. It’s big and sturdy enough to ride away on like I’m a witch on a broomstick. It’s my proud stalk of Hawaiian sugar cane. My bold Mongolian fighting stick. Ready for action. Ready to penetrate. Ready to rip, mangle, and pleasure. Ready, whether I like it or not. And that’s the problem.
Now, the wake-me-up blowjob is an entirely different beast. An unexpected mornin’ beej, in which a man rouses from slumber to find his member fully swollen and nestled within his partner’s eagerly slobbering mouth, is one of the finest things a man can experience in this cold, dreary life. But although the wake-me-up blowjob may be involuntary on the recipient’s part, this is more than compensated for by the fellatrix’s bold, decisive action. At least there’s a good dollop of the ol’ triumph-of-the-will involved. The wake-me-up blowjob is an existential act.
What disturbs and upsets me about morning wood is its involuntary nature.
I haven’t had a sexually graphic dream that I’ve remembered since I was, oh, four years old or something. I get all of my action during my waking hours. Or maybe I’m having dreams that are so perverted, I blot them from my memory before I awake. But to the best of my knowledge, waking up with morning wood has no immediate antecedent in my nocturnal fantasy life. I honestly can’t remember the last time I awoke from a dirty dream. But I wake up every morning with a nine-pound hammer between my legs. It defies me. It’s the very model of determination.
I don’t typically enjoy morning sex. I usually need a swig of vanilla-mint mouthwash and feel like I have to take a shit. I’m all groggy and cranky, and until I get some coffee and eggs in me, I’m a potential serial killer. Given those parameters, I hardly ever want to have sex when I wake up.
But that doesn’t stop the morning wood. My body has other intentions. It wakes me up with a hard-on that bypasses my mental functioning—that whole imaginary blob the experts call my “sexuality”—and simply wills itself into being.
And because it occurs with a seeming lack of will on my part, I’m highly ashamed. Mind you, not much embarrasses me. I’m not even ashamed of the fact that I use emu oil when I’m shaving my balls or that I sometimes let my wife stick her finger up my ass, but I’m ashamed of my morning erections because I have no control over them. I don’t necessarily have to use emu oil when shaving my balls, and if I don’t want my wife to stick her finger up my ass, I can just pull it out, but I have no control over whether or not to wake up with a bone-bone. And that’s highly embarrassing to a man of my mien.
It’s as if my cock is telling me, “See me? I am your fundamental project today. I don’t care about you and your precious ‘plans’—go ahead and stick me somewhere pronto.”
We like to think we’re driving the car, but the morning erection is a runaway bus that careens along with us trapped inside. It’s sad to contemplate that in the end, our bodies don’t give a fuck about what we think or feel. Our bodies wind up killing us every time.
The only sure thing I could do to prevent morning erections would be to sever my penis, and I don’t think I’m ready to take that step.
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STREET BONER 1118
Just to be clear, this is not a hole in her tights. It’s a hole in the ass-time continuum that will swallow your entire paycheck if you go near it.
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I can’t say what causes you to get the boner Jim, but you don’t necessarily have to have had the dirty dream right before you wake up. When your bladder fills up in the night, and any morning pee you’ve ever had will prove that it does, it stops blood from draining from your member and maintains a hard-on. So you could have had that third leg for several hours and just not known about it. That’s why the only two ways to get rid of morning wood is to wear it out like you would any other boner or take the difficult hard-on piss.
10.17.08 at 3:48 pm
next time talk of all the grateful women you’ve impaled on the end of your pike and then your writing will be more meaningful and heartfelt then as a result; and leave wifey out of it- the last thing anyone needs right now is to be reminded of a cold and dreary life, capeche.
just a thot.
10.17.08 at 4:14 pm
Jim,
As much as I appreciate your work, I’m somewhat appalled. You, being such a proud egalitarian, shouldn’t bank the any sort of morning wood shame in your sexual psyche. Perhaps I lack the proper knowledge of who you are as an individual, but I doubt it can traced back to the severe erectile mutilation your grandfather carried out with a ball-peen hammer and a decorative cactus. Now, a little self-administered therapy could easily help you trounce the nasty little thoughts plaguing your self-esteem. I recommend sleeping in public spaces (particularly in upscale neighborhoods), junior college parking lots, or in the aisle of a 24 hour convenience store. You’ll need to disrobe to the legal limit and leave any items that could be used to conceal your dawn brawn behind. This way you will no choice but to succumb to the unforgiving public eye, thus dwarfing your insecurities. Flawless, right? Be certain you’re not within 500 yards of a grade school, as I’m confident you’re already packin’ a strike or two. Do they give you guys a serial number?
10.17.08 at 5:58 pm
if it makes you feel any better, this happens to women too. it’s just a lot less noticeable because a clitoris can seldom be referred to by the euphemism of nine-pound hammer.
10.17.08 at 6:55 pm
LOL, because that’s the whole point of boners, in Biblical terms. God punished humans for their disobedience in the Garden of Eden in a fitting way, by making their bodies be disobedient to them. Boners/sexual urges are the most obvious example of this (it’s called “concupiscence”) — in a prelapsarian state, sex would have worked just like any voluntary actions, e.g. walking, putting emu oil on your balls, etc. You, or Adam or whoever, would be able to have erections (or not) by choice. It’s real theology! Saint Augustine says that’s what happened.
10.17.08 at 9:23 pm
Because theChurch(st augustine) and its followers hav always made whole fuckload of sense
10.17.08 at 9:31 pm
Are we back to proving the existence of the morning wood fairy?
10.17.08 at 9:47 pm
jim hearing about a 60 year old wiener in the morning is probably not top of our brain stem and eye stalks wish lists right now.. I was in that grey area where your recharging for another round of fantnasties aka expensive plans aka jacking off to very esoteric porn that would have made my brain and dick melt had I seen even a few frames of it at the tender age of 20. the point is I still got a ball full of egg magnet glue.. now with your “blog” piece being so MANLY and dick swingling and all, the other ball was being presurred to equalize and giving in so as not to be called a faggotball.. now instead of 1 ball raring to go I got two balls in a tepid glass half empty agreement to have a fucking nap together and go out later to the grocery. your rhapsodizing has turned my rapist nut into a chubby hubby couple. ps just joking I haven’t read the above because it’s about other men’s penises
10.17.08 at 10:29 pm
ps it’s all the viagra.. I read in MedSci.net that shit causes permanant blood reroutes and other awful muscle warps that eventually will give you a varicose dick. that’s why they give it to old people, faggots and the sexually dysfunctional non-men who suffer from “impotence” aka gayness. cos they are all going die soon, or it doesn’t matter if their dick splodes out like a used firework cos it’s not going to be making any healthy straight babies or red blooded boner owners. who needs more gays and erectile dysfunction (same thing) guys around. sure it’s a blast and you can really hurt her so good that she’ll do all those things she’s supposed to like cook some fucking dinner for a change and bring me back some goddamm beers from the store for once without me having to ask but then your wiener will need the same surgery as my gran’s leg before you’re fifty and then you’ll have to piss off a dinner plate just to angle the stream from your peehole into the urinal. luckily this will dovetail with your new career as a sissy maid for a overweight mexican dominatrix due to the NO DICK NO JOB pork barrel ear marks tort reform bill passing… gas! bRAHW HAW HAW *faaarrt*
10.17.08 at 10:41 pm
emily, are you saying god created boners? wow I always thought god was a nerdy whiny tuft of cosmic anal foam but now I think I feel jesuses ghosts tongue in my ass and it feels good.. kind of like I’m taking a small reverse shit that is actually CLEANING my ass. I feel reborn.. maybe I’m finally one of god’s chosen ghost face rapers
10.17.08 at 10:47 pm
What’s with all the dick posts?
10.17.08 at 11:54 pm
terrible. go and read blognigger and figure out how to write this kind of shit.
10.18.08 at 12:00 am
In my university days, I had to deal with the embarrassment of nocturnal masturbation. Now, it wasn’t so embarrassing when I was alone. I would rip one off and keep sleeping, none the wiser until I woke up with my dick stuck to my stomach. It got embarrassing when I would manage to convince a new friend to sleep over. Chances are, if they were sleeping over, they had seen my in all of my glory before we had fallen asleep, so it wasn’t humiliating. Still, I was told that it makes sleeping with me hard when, in the early morning hours, the bed would start vibrating as I pounded away furiously on my trunk. Worse was when I met a particularly unslutty type of girl that would play hard to get for that first night. After a night of dry humping and titty touching, we would go to sleep. But, these types of girls were less able to handle the vibrating bed. It was embarrassing for me. I wasn’t aware when I was jerking off, I was fast asleep. Yet, I continued to do this well into my 4th year. I don’t know what made it seem like a good idea to my subconscious, and I don’t know why I eventually grew out of it. I do know that when I would fix myself up in my sleep, I would rarely wake up with morning wood. Explain that one…
10.18.08 at 12:14 am
i’m sure jim is researching his wife’s areas right now and can’t really be bothered too much of your queries about width circumference as well as farting and such or how much splooge comes out the front end of it
but gavin is always available splooge is right up his area
10.18.08 at 12:52 am
I’ll be sad when I no longer get longer near morningtime.
The day I can’t share my 5th anniversary gift with my wife is the day I buy a convertible and get plugs.
10.18.08 at 1:53 am
k, iv had wood for the past two mornins, you don’t see me writing a fuckin blog about it, real talk
10.19.08 at 11:01 am
To be honest, I was becoming dissapointed in the lack of quality material on Street Carnage. This post is such a relief, Goad. When you don’t go on about how Jews do better on tests and assume this means they are genetically superior, you make my heart smile.
PS
I guess it’s because of all the machismo in your writing, but I didn’t expect that you shave your balls. Pubes don’t get in the way of blowjobs and there is nothing wrong with a man having hair on his fucking body. Also, when you shave, the hair just becomes spiky and unpleasant. That said, you are sexy (and so is your wife!).
10.19.08 at 11:22 am
“More than one girlfriend has told me that because I’m a man, I have absolutely no control over my sexual impulses.”
Also, that’s very sexist thing to say. I think some people try to compensate for the vast amount of sexism targeted at females by attacking the entire opposite sex. How is that “empowering” to women? It just reinforces the stereotype that we are “irrational.” Thanks, Aristotle, you asshole.
10.19.08 at 11:26 am
All the women I know are totally irrational in a really slutty way when it comes down to morning wood so I’m cool. I’m more like, “Morning, would you please pass the BJ?”.
10.19.08 at 10:51 pm
i didn’t even bother to read this shit. morning wood? like anything else in life, sometimes it’s good, sometimes it just gets in the way.
10.20.08 at 4:03 pm