I think I’ve covered all of the vices in the Iraq Report except getting fucked up. Alcohol is banned throughout the Middle East and so are all illicit substances. Even if it wasn’t, being drunk in the combat zone is highly illegal and you will most likely get caught. There’s always gonna be that one drunk retard that does something stupid and exposes everybody else to higher ups so I don’t advise it. You wanna move up a few pay grades while you are here, not come back with a grade less.
However, if you insist on getting fucked up in Iraq, there’s basically two routes you can take: moonshine and moonshine.
MOONSHINE
You can buy Iraqi moonshine from the hajjis. This is really a last resort tactic and something that nobody really does anymore because nobody knows what the fuck they put in that stuff, including poison.
The only people who can get this are guys who do foot patrols out in Iraq talking with all the Ali Babas, but that’s grunt shit and most people on base don’t do it once throughout their entire deployment. If someone wanted to get alcohol from a person directly there you just have to know (or get to know) the right people working shipments and supplies at Baghdad International Airport.
MOONSHINE
The second way is making it yourself. It’s pretty obvious when a guy’s got alcohol if someone simply mails a package full of liquid containers to them because NO ONE needs to have drinks sent to them in Iraq. That’s when yeast packages come into play. Guys can use the yeast to produce their own moonshine. Guys I knew simply ordered them through the mail directly. Oddly enough, they don’t check for steroids in the mail either. I would notice pretty huge guys get even huger because all they do is work out and juice up.
Anyway, those are your options. Know the 1% of guys who can get you moonshine and risk getting poisoned or make your own and risk getting caught. As for other drugs, tough luck. You can get it through mail if you can somehow make it not so obvious but you will get fucked if customs found it being delivered to you. I guess that’s why I never wrote about getting fucked up in Iraq. It’s too hard.
Leave a Reply
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
don’t call it moonshine call it hooch
09.23.08 at 3:26 pm
While I was in Afghanistan it was hash, hash, hash baby! 8 year old kids would trade you a chunk of hash the size of a brick for Hershey’s bars. Of course we couldn’t smoke it. Some guys supposedly smuggled hash back with their gear, but I was too scared to do that.
09.23.08 at 7:19 pm
You don’t know what you’re talking about, article poster dude. Booze is not illegal in Iraq. You can get it by going to the damn store. And while I was there in the military, we didn’t need any moonshine, either. We got our scotch from truckers bringing it in from Jordan, in the mail, or on occasion from the SF dudes who had a fucking class 6 in Baghdad. A class 6, for those who don’t know, is the base liquor store.
Totally true about the ‘roids though.
09.23.08 at 8:55 pm
the best way to mix moonshine is with frozen concentrate juice. A friend’s dad makes it (he’s from Cape Breton) and you only need two shots before you can’t see properly and fall over
09.24.08 at 2:29 pm
That sounds so shitty. Totally not as fun as Vietnam.
09.24.08 at 6:27 pm
this article is a bummer. I totally have this fantasy of getting high on pharmecuticals and trolling the streets of the Middle East all day with an AK-47 puffing on parliament lights and getting into urban combat.
09.25.08 at 1:14 am
hey lighter fluid what’s the recipe and directions for your dear ole pa’s hooch? I’ve been to cape breton and let me just say i believe ya when ya say it takes two shots to become incoherent; newfounland’s(newfies make screech) practically right there so it’s no wonder yous guys know how to make a proper hooch
09.25.08 at 8:51 am
this guy is my favorite reporter.
10.17.08 at 12:12 am