Sometimes I feel like Indiana Jones without the whip, the good looks, the fedora, an Ivy League education, an overwhelming fear of snakes, and the pussy. My hooch mates caught me masturbating last week and it was straight out of a scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. There were all these screams and faces melting, and all I could do was yell, “MARION! CLOSE YOUR EYES!”
The next day, on tower duty (guarding a post for a week straight with literally nothing to do but watch the outskirts of Ramadi) I kill time day-dreaming about what I would do if I had 50 billion dollars. If I had that much money I would definitely buy out every fucking collectible item there is at Amoeba.
Then I’d raise the bar and buy all the Nazi and Soviet Union memorabilia I could find. Shit like Hitler Youth knives and anything from Russia branded with hammer and sickle symbols. If they don’t have anything to do with empires hell bent on world domination and mass killings, I don’t want anything to do with ‘em.
Then of course there is the fine art of building an obnoxious muscle car. But in my case, It’ll be a hearse with V12 engine, 4 exhaust pipes, and I can bump whatever music I got in their with my decked out Alpine sound system. I’m contemplating whether or not I would want suede leather interior seating or pimp it out with zebra skins.
I would also like to stack up 100 million dollars like a pyramid in front of all the bums in LA’s skid row and set it on fire right in front of them. Just to show them that money doesn’t matter.
Then there’s the pool of diamonds I will set up within the vaults of my 100-room mansion. Every one of them will be extracted from the rocks of Sierra Leone. If a child didn’t have at least one limb cut off for one of those rocks swimming in that stash it simply wouldn’t feel as filthy rich or as good.
That’s all. Bye.
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see this is why you’re in the army. also considering where you are and what your job is, making jokes about kids missing limbs is kind of tempting fate isn’t it. mission accomplished
lookadoodle poo dumbo, I think you might have written a good article a long time ago about conditions over there, but if we want inane filler blog posts that could have been written anywhere we’d look elsewhere. at least kim taylor bennett is hot
04.07.08 at 8:29 am
man, ironic nihilism is soooo “edgy” and “hip”.
04.07.08 at 9:02 am
their?
04.07.08 at 9:10 am
what in the fuck does lookadoodle poo dumbo mean?
04.07.08 at 10:00 am
see here. whats his name is risking his life to etc. etc…so i think he’s earned the right to write (har) about whatever the fuck he wants..shit you still read it
04.07.08 at 10:39 am
I was really hoping to read something more similar to your last post about conditions in Iraq. I’m not going to bitch about this blog, you can blog whatever you want. Just know that many people appreciated being enlightened as to a soldier’s perspective of what is happening there.
04.07.08 at 12:13 pm
Hey has anyone seen Stop Loss. Hey Taeil Kim, what’s up with Stop Loss?
I watched the movie. It was sort of gay, but not like Boys Don’t Cry, more like beefy dudes with no shirts crying and drinking and beating their girlfriends and losing their cool constantly gay. Flamboyant in an aggressively lame way.
04.07.08 at 12:39 pm
Dumbbody Got Recruited At Circle K is right. Nazis and Soviet Union should be categorized in the same bracket only by those who should be crippled by IEDs.
04.07.08 at 1:20 pm
conditions? its really boring…doye
04.07.08 at 2:28 pm
What the hell are you guys talking about. I’d say this post is pretty damn informative.
04.07.08 at 4:18 pm
hey Rama – beating your girlfriend is NEVER gay.
04.07.08 at 4:25 pm
kjhgalksdhglk is right, this blog told me way more about Iraq then Fox or CNN ever could…although I don’t get why he wouldn’t get a gold gilded AK or something cool …
04.07.08 at 5:00 pm
Really surprised so many missed the point of this post. He’s just trying to express the mind-numbing boredom of war and its effects on what is probably a pretty average (albeit Asian) mind. Anyone who is offended by this should go choke themselves.
04.07.08 at 5:02 pm
I agree. I totally pictured him sitting up there staring at what probably looks pretty fucking boring landscape (Nebraska? Mars?) and letting his brain just wander. Jarhead was good at conveying the monotony a bit…I can’t even begin to imagine what retarded shit would start to go through my brain.
This is favorite post so far in fact.
04.07.08 at 6:46 pm
Dumbbody Got Recruited At Circle K, um hes in the marines not the army.
(it says it on that guys uniform)
your mom pops are probably pay rolling your way through some bullshit degree, and what branch hes in really is irrelevant to you. But I must say give the guy a break. He gave up a UCLA education midway through and is getting college money out there risking his life. gives him the write to say whatever the fuck he wants in my opinion.
go fuck yourself yuppy dilettante.
04.07.08 at 6:54 pm
hey, I didn’t post that last post! is there auto-fill on everyone’s computer?
But I agree anyways. Whoever you are.
04.07.08 at 7:11 pm
The part about getting caught masturbating – priceless.
The part about setting fire to a pyramid of money – hilarious.
I liked Dat Nigga Daz’s point….”average (albeit Asian) mind” – haha!
04.07.08 at 10:23 pm
whenever i imagine jail or an army base at night, all i can think of is a bunch of men in a room together pretending they cant hear one another breathing heavily into their pillows. i always imagine it would be like a pseudo-silent symphony of masturbation. not that i imagine it often, because that would be weird.
but yeah, fuck money–if you made a pyramid out of crack and destroyed it, youd have riots like no bullshitty south bay anarchist could even fathom.
04.08.08 at 12:10 am
if i had fifty billion dollars i’d use it to change society from a world gone mad to one more peaceful with respect for the wildspaces, a place where the economy wasn’t one with continuous unchecked growth but one that focused on smaller community based economies. Right now, as it stands, the U.S. is extorting the world’s resources from everyone else, hardly seems fair but in the world of big business who talks about fairness, it’s not a concept- and that’s the real reason there are limbless children.
04.10.08 at 9:35 am
but i don’t have fifty billion dollars and i never will, either.
04.10.08 at 9:39 am
hahaha man fucked up lol
05.06.08 at 12:01 am