(Lightspeed Champion and Fred Les of Ox. Eagle. Lion. Man. flanked by the Geldof sisters Peaches and Pixie. Pic: Andrew Kendal – stolen from NME.com)
The NME Awards last night was a rather airless affair. Best quip of the night came from The Horrors’ Faris Rotter (who is currently smooching one newly goth-ed up Peaches Geldof). Upon presenting the award for “Best New Band” to a tiny group of Northerners called The Enemy he said, “I love these guys: laughing in the face of natural selection.” Singer Tom Clarke (who looks like a stunted Mark E Smith, if that’s possible), took the diss remarkably well, standing a full head and shoulders below the gangly Faris.
(The Horrors)
(The Enemy)
Next up awards presenter comedian James Cordon accused Kelly Osbourne of being a talentless groupie ho by calling her the “Queen of hanging out with bands.” She didn’t take it well and said he should go fuck his mother. It was awkward.
(Kelly)
Awards over, we headed to the O2 Arena bar where the most exciting thing that happened was Franz Ferdinand’s Alex Kapranos lying flat on the floor and smoking a fag under a couch (in Britain that has nothing to do with fellating homosexuals).
So I jumped into a cab with some pals and the British TV presenter Alex Zane right after Zane nearly ended up in a punch up with a fat businessman we didn’t realize was in line before us.
Zane spent most of the journey to Hoxton Hotel pulling my hair and letting my amigo Sarah draw a unicorn Pegasus in eyeliner across his belly.
(Sarah and her eyeliner)
I don’t know if everyone was hopped up on steroids last night, but half an hour after we arrived two fights broke out. Firstly between NME hack Alex Miller and Foals/The Young Knives/The Rumble Strips manager Duncan (who is a total sweetheart). Ten minutes later Dunc was scrapping again with some scraggly hobo guy in a lumberjack shirt, while Miller nursed a fistful of ice.
Who said indie boys had no balls? Ooof.
(Pigeon Detectives)
Meanwhile The Kills’ Alison Mosshart was shooting daggers at the singer from lad bland rockers The Pigeon Detectives. She was then dragged away by The Mighty Boosh’s Julian Barrett.
I stepped out for a smoke with some TV producer who was so wankered he couldn’t hold a two-way conversation and just kept calling me baby. As I turned to escape the loser, Chris Thompson, the drummer from Vampire Weekend collided with a speeding car with visceral snap and crack. The car sped off leaving Chris splayed out and glassy-eyed like a humanoid crash test dummy. He didn’t move, his loafers didn’t twitch and his lips were parted in a stoned smile. Cue hipsters drunken curbside freakout.
Chris soon came round and seemed relatively coherent. I guess being a Yank he stepped out into the street looking the wrong way.
He was swiftly strapped up and stretchered off leaving nothing but a sticky pool of blood where his head used to be. After that I called it a night. You can’t watch someone get run over and then keep partying. It killed my buzz instantly. Fingers crossed he’s okay.
UPDATE: He’s okay.
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
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What’s the point of having something by Kim Taylor Bennett without pictures of Kim Taylor Bennett?
02.29.08 at 2:51 pm
laughing in the face of natural selection
02.29.08 at 4:00 pm
more boosh now.
02.29.08 at 4:17 pm
vampire weekend?! i thought we were fucking putting beige to bed.
02.29.08 at 4:19 pm
never say “almost got into a fight” again. unless u are an actual delicate flower.
02.29.08 at 9:21 pm
why dont you credit writers ever?
03.01.08 at 3:23 am
vampire weekend are great. a couple songs suck the rest are great. who doesn’t like that shit? but the nme awards, vice UK etc is the lamest. ooh they love the horrors and black lips a little too much eh? I think capper gave away ‘one of faris’s moleskein notebooks’ as a prize lately.. ugg. god yes fucked up are good ok, stop trying to associate your straight edge writing and fashion spreads with them. vice records kind of was the beginning of the end for me, I think it undermined something solid gold that had easily survived even the whole electroclash coke era. dunno what album it was. Without Feathers ? ?
03.02.08 at 12:20 am
it was me hit the drummer, I missed, was trying to pap smear a geldof cunt
03.02.08 at 2:10 pm
it’s like there’s no safe space to be had, between freaky freaks horrors, freaky chavs enemy and freaky beige-sofa-hippie-freaks vampires.
where did all the rick wakemans go? or the david cassidys? or the osmonds?
i fear i’ve just namechecked three christian freaks.
well, bring ‘em back. i hear the bedingfield siblings are quite the church-goers.
what am i trying to say?
indie boys have no balls.
03.03.08 at 5:59 pm
Dude who the fuck are you hanging out with? These dudes look like boy bands with guitars. Don’t suck just as much as vice..
04.07.08 at 6:36 pm