Hey, I got a huge feature in that nature magazine where all the black chicks have saggy tits. Oh wait, it’s National Geographic online. Oh wait, it’s the editor of National Geographic’s personal blog. Oh wait, he’s their West Coast editor. OK, here it is:

[From here]

It was the perfect swarm: On the news that Bear Grylls of Man vs. Wild fame actually spent some of his filming nights in a soft downy hotel bed instead of curled up inside of a bloody yak carcass, the survival world was left with a gaping void of leadership. With Grylls exposed as a poser, who would take us by the quaking hand and teach us to survive the Lost plane crash? Thankfully, into the gaping void stepped The Naturist. Impassioned, opinionated, and deeply misguided knowledgeable, never at a loss for words, The Naturist was discovered by Teva, which through a series of viral videos brought his wisdom to the waiting flock. It’s a reminder that we don’t get the heroes we need, we get the heroes we deserve.

The Adventure Life sat down for this exclusive interview and series of survival tips with The Naturist in a remote location in the Ozark Mountains. Over a breakfast of muskrat quiche and warm pond scum, here’s what he had to say:

THE ADVENTURE LIFE: I dropped my smore in the fire. Now what?

THE NATURIST: Fire is only bad if exposure to skin is over 12 seconds. That’s how people are able to walk on hot coals. If you can get in there and fish out the smore without exposing your hands to more than 12 seconds of fire, go for it. Just make sure you pop it in your mouth before your time runs out.

What happens if I get lost in the woods? How do I find my way? Does moss really grow on the north side of trees?

Who cares? The only time going north is definitely going to save you is if your name is Santa Claus. If you’re lost, you want to get to a phone or some kind of highway. The only way to make sure that happens is to follow the old adage and take the path that seems the least traveled. Talk to the Argentines who had to eat each other if you don’t know what I mean.

Oh-uh. Still lost. Need to make a shelter. What do I do?

Fire is the secret to staying warm outdoors. However, 90 percent of our body heat is lost getting up in the middle of the night to stoke said fire. You also can frostbite your back if it’s facing the other way. That’s why I always make a fire that follows the perimeter of my body, like a chalk outline. A lot of cynics have nicknamed this “The Flaming Coffin” but I’ll bet my life none of them have actually tried it.

I just got a blister on my heel but I don’t have a first aid kit. How should I treat it?

Eat it.

Okay, I caught a small woodland creature in my snare. But: no matches. How do I prepare it for consumption?

When small game is about to be caught, they release enough adrenaline into their eyes to kill an elephant. Most of the frogs we’re told to stay away from are only dangerous in their eyes. So, you can prepare small game any way you want–just make sure you don’t get eyes in your mouth. Personally, I avoid the head entirely.

I spend a lot of time in the desert. Are there any natural sunscreens you’d recommend?

Feces is great because not only does it protect you from the sun, it also acts as what we call a “Warmth Initiative.”

How do I get started ice fishing?

Assuming you’re stranded out there and have no gear, you want to go to where the ice feels weak enough to kick through. Once you make a hole that’s about two feet by two feet, place your hips on either side of it, take a deep breath, and dip your entire upper torso into the lake. The visibility in cold water is phenomenally clear and you will be shocked to see how many fish come toward you (they’re attracted to the salt in your skin). Once one gets close enough, grab it with your mittens and poke out the eyes. Now all you have to do is build a fire on the ice and get cookin’.

I want to run barefoot like the Tarahumara. Is that a good idea? What should I look out for?

Ha! That’s a laugh. The Tarahumara live in grassy mountainous regions that are over 600,000 ft above sea level with grass that feels like casino carpets. They can survive on less air than a cockroach. If you’re subject to conditions like that, go bananas.

I’m kind of addicted to the internet. Is there a way to Twitter or check Facebook when I’m off the grid?

Your body is 97 percent water and nothing transmits a signal like water (hence whale calls). If you put the antennae in any orifice and squeeze, you should be able to get reception anywhere.

Stung by a jellyfish — is it true that urine will take the pain away?

Here’s how I remember: “Urine for the pain, vomit for the stain, a teardrop for the stinging part, and a wet fart for the brain” (a jellyfish’s brains can get stuck in your buttocks and that’s actually what most people die from).

I’ve just been attacked by a mountain lion. Do I play dead, fight back, or run?

I had heard that employing all three was impossible until I saw it done in Safari Weekend at Bernie’s where Terry Kiser does a phenomenal job of floppily hitting a lion while someone else moves his legs in a running motion.

I’m tired of getting wet. What are the best waterproofing treatments for my clothes?

Bee stings.

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