Do you like getting laid? Do you like being able to force women to do whatever you want without going to jail? Do you want her to not even notice that the “radio” is on but feel a dime-sized wet spot appear in the center of her white panties? Of course you do.
I’ll tell you what. You ready? This is the way you do it. Each song (except The Gallows) was carefully chosen by pussy hounds to make girls’ thighs relaxed and open for business. If you play this after a late night of partying we 100,000,000,000% guarantee you will get laid. If you don’t we will pay you $3,000 each but spend the money on some wigs because, sorry to break it to you, you’re a gay man.

Here’s the breakdown…

Nina Gordon “Straight Outta Compton”
Bossa Nova “Patience”
Nouvelle Vague “Dancin With Myself”

As you can see the first three songs are covers of popular hard rock and hard rap hits. Girls like the originals of these songs but the tempo is a little too pumped to help them relax. Covers are a great way to give her a sugarcoated version of what she wants. Sort of like masking your boner’s pee smell by dipping the whole thing in some honey.

Los Exitos de Sex Pistols “Bodies”
Sons & Daughters “Gilt Complex”
X-Ray Spex “The Day the World Turned Day-Glo”

Okay, the Sex Pistols cover is a bit of a cacophony but if her pants are still on after the first three songs, you’re probably in a slump and need a conversation piece. Los Exitos AKA Los Punkrockers were a seat-of-their-pants band that was formed in Spain overnight when “Never Mind the Bollocks” was banned. They tried to trick the fans into thinking this was the real record but the band couldn’t speak English and had recreated the entire album after only a few listens.

(This is why Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston make beautiful music together)

Bobby Brown “Brown Bomber”
Modeselektor “Silikon ft Sacha Perera”
Todd Santos “Candice Cannabis VS Todd Santos”

The Bobby Brown shit is too amazing to be believed and it’s totally fine if you think it’s fake. In fact, our lawyers would prefer that. We got this piece of audio gold when a friend was recording beats at a big studio in Miami that will remain nameless. Apparently Bobby Brown was down the hall with Whitney Houston because, after hearing the beats in the hallway, Bobby stormed in and insisted he “spit on those beats.” The problem is Bobby’s mouth couldn’t quite catch up with his ego and we were left with killa rhymes like, “1,2,3,4,5,7,6,5,4,3,2,1,a,b,c,d,f,g I can go from here to there.” Brown Bomber occasionally takes breaks to relight what sounds like a crack rock and take some more verbal abuse from Whitney “You’re supposed to be working on MY RECORD!” Houston.

Sister Nancy “What a Bam Bom”
Toots and the Maytals “54-46 Was My Number”
Linton Kwesi Johnson “Making History”
[Special bonus feature: Pinky shows up late and storms out in a rage because the show is almost over.]

Why are her pants still on? Are you too scared to make the first move? We know it’s lame to go from joking around to puckering your lips and moving in for the kill but that only lasts for about 10 seconds. Just do it you pussy. These reggae beats were inspired by Pinky’s dead body but it still works because reggae makes her subconscious think everything’s irie and she made the right decision.

(Andrew WK with sticks in his belt and his teacher in a mask)
The Pterodactyls “Freewheelin ‘78”
Gallows “In the Belly of a Shark”

All right, fuck this. You couldn’t get laid if you were taking candy from a baby that was shooting fish in a barrel with one arm tied behind its back. We decided to close the show with some going-home jams that have nothing to do with girls liking you or any of that shit. First it’s Andrew WK’s high school band starring his film studies teacher and a bunch of angry teens. Andrew was the drummer for two weeks but he got kicked out because he was grounded and grounded people can’t show up for band practice. Then it’s the Gallows, the least Barry White band of all time.

Related posts:

1. STREET CARNAGE RADIO: NOW DOWNLOAD-A-LICIOUS
2. 78 JOKES: SBTVC VS. GOAD
3. STREET CARNAGE RADIO: DAS RACIST