This just in! Thanks to eBay and Netflix, the Post Office has gone from near bankruptcy back in nineteen ninety something, to doing better than lots and lots of corporations, times ten! Research on my end has been less than spectacular but this theory is most likely true. Have you looked at those weird pushcarts they push around?

There’s always some Netflix shit in there. And who knows what percentage of packages is bought on eBay (that’s usually sent by mail right? They don’t use UPS or FedEx do they?)
Think about it (don’t you love when people say, “think about it”? Like you were reading this article with your hair and never thought to let the words go down?) Used to be old people would get a “Dear John” letter — read it and send back a lengthy “Thanks for writing John. I have a ton of stuff to say about what you were saying, not to mention a fucking avalanche of local and family gossip” letter in response. Abe Lincoln used to spend the first three hours of his day pounding out quill-based hellos. Then we got email and a “paperless office” and POOF: the Post Office was probably gone or almost definitely doing pretty bad; and if you were to show me research to the contrary I would be VERY skeptical and ask where you got it from.
In the years since email (let’s say, 1998) things have gone from terrible to great for the boys in blue shorts. After several units of time of lugging around nothing but junk mail and credit card offers, Post Office morale was so low they started killing each other. My timeline may be fucked up here but I think this is around where the term “Going Postal” began. Then, around 2003 I started noticing a lot of stories on the news about eBay including a big thing on 60 Minutes about Netflix. This probably means things are looking up for the oldest corporation in America (I’m basing “oldest” on that Kevin Costner movie where he starts up a Post Office again as the first thing to do after a Nuclear War — meaning, post offices are the first thing a civilization does after it stops dying). So yeah, there’s been a change in that company for the better as of late and it’s a scoop worth noting.
Update: My timeline is fucked up. I just checked the Internet machine and the only time people were NOT going Postal was between 1998 and 2003. Hmmmm. All right so “Going Postal” had nothing to do with this idea that there wasn’t anything to deliver for a bunch of years but that doesn’t mean that the Post Office wasn’t doing good, then really bad, then good again. Is that right?

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