aaaand here’s how it really happened: I’m about to take a dip in my rooftop infinity pool on lex and 41st and my aunt, Sandra Beckles rings me.

“Nick,” she says, “my son, Derrick is coming to Knew York (she actually pronounced it like that- can you believe it?) and he really wants me to meet some celebrities. Can you show him around the city, maybe introduce him to some of your celebrity friends?”.

Sandra, on my mother’s side, has been a family member in good standing, so I begrudgingly accept. No more than 10 minutes later is there a knock on my door and who should it be but my weird older cousin, Derrick “Pinky” Beckles.

“Hey, can you introduce me to Jonathan Lipnicki?” he whines.

“Look,” I say, “I’m kind of in the middle of something right now.”

Derrick, pulling out a Sony Handycam DCR HC52 camcorder, pleads.

“I’ll make you a music video for your band.”

Ugh. I wince at the mere thought of “Pinky” directing a The Islands video.

“Pweeeease.”

I think of his beautiful mother Sandra; her gorgeous hair, her sensuous eyes, her incomparable bottom, and I allow it.

“Look, I’ll get you someone better than Lipnicki,” I say. “How does Devon Sawa sound?” Pinky’s eyes furrow. Then his eyes squint. Then they dart around the room like a mental patient. “Ok, ok. Hows about Jonah Bobo? From ‘The Backyardagains’?”

Blank stare from Beckles.

“God! Don’t you watch movies?!” I bellow, exasperated. “Cayden Boyd? From The Adventurings of Sharkboy and LavaLampGirl in 3-D??”

Nothing.

“Ok, ok. I know what you want. Oscar winning child actor Abigail Breslin.”

Pause.

“From Nimbo’s Island.”

Pause.

“And Royal Engagement 2: The Princess Diaries.”

“This is a Sony Handycam DCR HC52,” he says, sounding more like Rain Man than someone who could watch and truly appreciate Rain Man.

“Alright, Beckles. I know someone who I think you’ll like.”

He squeals with delight.

“Tatum McNamm from Neo Ned.”

No response.

“Michael Cera? From That Thing You Do 2.”

No response.

“Well then I’m just gonna make this video myself!” I exclaim, grabbing the Sony Handycam DCR HC52 from him and leaving the wake of the infinity pool in his wake.

I make an above average video with the real Michael Cera and then Aunt Sandra makes me give directing credit to Beckles because he’s a big baby.

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