THREE LESSONS I LEARNED AS A BOY THAT ARE STILL TRUE TODAY

1- HOW TO FIGHT
If a guy’s coming at you, fuckin’ ram the bottom of his nose with the base of your palm. This will send his nose bone directly into his brain and kill him. If you don’t want him to die then just lean back when he goes to punch you then grab his wrist and go DOOYJE DOOYJE in his windpipe and spin his arm around his back breaking it in three places. If the guy is still standing, run up his body, go DEYJE DEYJE in his face and then do a back flip off him.

2- HOW MARRIAGE WORKS
When you’re married you get to see your wife’s tits whenever you want. She could be making you eggs in the morning and you can go, “Show me your tits” and she has to by law.

3- HOW BABIES ARE BORN
When I was six years old my friend Steve Durand showed me a drawing he did of a naked couple. It showed everything. The man’s dink, the woman’s tits and obviously the woman’s dink. When I asked him how grown-ups do it he showed me another drawing entitled “The Dink Kiss.” The woman touches her dink to the man’s dink and that’s how they get pregnant.

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