I’m going to use Happy Ending as the locale for this experiment. It’s an ex-Chinese massage parlor that someone with a sense of humor converted into a club.

On Tuesday nights they have a great dance party there called Six Six Sick. With a decent crowd, great house DJs, and the occasional guest act, like Designer Drugs, it’s usually a blast. I headed there on a slow Friday night hoping to find something similar to Tuesday (above), but instead found this:

Scientifically speaking, there are two factors that determine the quality of a bar: the booze and the bitches. Let’s methodically compare Tuesdays and Fridays at Happy Ending on these points.

1. The Booze
One of the best things about Tuesday at Happy Ending is the free booze. From 11 ‘til midnight all vodka drinks are exactly $0. It’s low-shelf shit and might be watered down, but you won’t spend half an hour muscling your way through the crowd to get to the bar. So, if you just keep throwing them back, it’s definitely possible to get alcohol poisoning for free. Also, PBR is only $3 all night, which is unheard of in the City.

On Friday I tried to order a PBR (from the same exact bartender who was there on Tuesday), but was told that they didn’t have any “tonight.” Instead, I had to shell out $6 for a Bud. Being a broke, Indian (read: cheap) kid from Queens, I prefer to not get raped in the ass for my drinks. A shot of well vodka was $7, and who the fuck knows how much a mixed drink was.

2. The Bitches
For a sample of Tuesday night’s offerings, please refer to Street Boners 569, 566, 565, 552, 547—you get the point. And just so you get a sense of the concentration of boners, keep in mind that those were all from the same night.

For a sample of Friday night’s offerings, refer to Street Boners…nope. Nothing. I couldn’t get a single boner. There were a lot of people that looked like this, though:

Don’t worry, I’m not forgetting about the Gays: I asked the gay barback (I think I just made up a new anti-homo slur) at Happy Ending about the difference between Tuesdays and Fridays. He said that Tuesdays are great because he walks out with a ton of numbers, but Fridays he walks away with a ton of cash. That makes sense because the Bridge & Tunnellers who overrun the place on Fridays are the type to shell out $14 for a drink. Also, statistically speaking, a lot of them are probably in the closet.

In conclusion, Tuesdays at Happy Ending are wonderful if you’re broke, twenty-something, straight/gay, and want to have a great/fabulous time. On the other hand, if you’re a junior stockbroker from Central Jersey or proudly refer to yourself as a “cougar,” I think Fridays might be a better fit.

-ARV
@ArvSux

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