I expected Albany to be awash with hookers and cocaine, but it was the weekend so all of the politicians were out of town. My girlfriend and I went up there to visit our friend Olek, who’s interning with the state government. We spent two nights there and had an alright time.
DAY ONE
Shortly after we arrived, Olek introduced us to his friend Ryan, who subscribes to The American Conservative, listens to Ann Coulter on audio book, has a Reagan calendar, and was pretty fucking amazing. He told us about how his internship was switched over to a Republican senator after he went up to his first assigned senator’s homosexual senior aide and said, “Really? A gay chief of staff?”
The weird thing was that Ryan was completely oblivious to how incredibly fucking homo he was. He ranted about liberals destroying the country in that ostensibly gay voice. He shitted on gay bars, but knew where all them were and even knew the bartenders. The kid wanted to get a pair of wings tattooed onto his back! Now I could be wrong, so don’t sue me Ryan. But shit, you sure seemed queer as folk.
The first bar we went to was an Irish pub. It was the weekend before Saint Patty’s Day so all the white people were really drunk and ultra American, which is a terrible combination for any minority. I was sporting an unkempt beard that was at that ambiguous stage between homeless and jihadist, and my girlfriend is half Japanese, half Peruvian. Taken together, people were basically looking at us like we were niggers.
After I got called Al-Qaeda by a bunch of fat white guys, we got sketched out and headed to another bar, which also turned out to be an Irish pub. Like true displaced liberals, my girlfriend and I were playing “Count the Minorities” and bitching about the benefits of diversity. I spotted another brown kid, but I guess he had been there for while ‘cause he gave me a look that said, “Your kind ain’t welcome here, camel jockey.”
I was telling Olek that I’m 100 times more terrified of white people than anyone from the hood, when this random white guy next to us gave us a full pitcher for free, saying he had to catch a cab. I was sure it was a trap set by the honkies and that the beer was probably spiked with roofies, so we chugged it down and got the fuck out of there. Like true pinko, liberal, commie, elitist, vegan, leftist New Yorkers, we retreated to the only place we knew we would be safe: ‘80s night at the local gay bar.
The Fuze box was a converted ’50s diner with a bar in the front and a dance floor in the back. Although everyone called it a “gay bar,” it seemed like any bar in the City that isn’t an Irish pub or a sports bar.
Alright fine, maybe it was a gay bar.
The Fuze Box was probably the best part of our Albany trip because it was the part most similar to the City. They even had PBR and a smokers’ pen.
Ryan behaving in a totally conservative, non-homo fashion.
DAY TWO
We spent our second day in Albany acting like tourists. The only industries in town are two huge bureaucracies: government and school. This sleepy place is the hub of hundreds of millions of dollars, where your tax money can go to everything from synchronized swimming to Liza Minelli concerts. In that spirit, Olek took us on a tour of all the things you paid for.
New York State Official Governing Pagoda.
New York State Official U.F.O. Landing Pad.
New York State Official Missile Silo.
Since it was free and we had time to kill, we decided to check out the New York State Museum. It was full of these life-size wax models, and every time you saw someone you had to wait a moment to figure out whether or not they were real. If you ever find yourself in Albany on psychedelics, I highly recommend this place.
There was an exhibit on September 11th for which the museum apparently stole every fucking thing that was downtown that day. Above is a destroyed fire truck, which is cool, but they also had dumb shit like that bar you hold onto on the subway. (The exhibit was also another reason I probably should’ve shaved. Everyone kept looking at me like I was walking around with a huge fucking grin on my face.)
That’s what an old school fire truck looked like. I don’t know where the hose is, or where they held the water, or what that statue of a kid has to do with anything, but why aren’t our current fire trucks this pimp? Man, we used to have style.
Geologists are pervs.
Fin.
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FIRST!!!
04.15.09 at 2:06 pm
ps that missile silo is hilarious! it looks like they walled off the town’s bottomless pit
04.15.09 at 2:08 pm
Gavin has a terrific sense of humor letting folks like Arv and Val ‘write’ for Street Boners.
P.S.
I’m not an ‘ultra American’, but I would gladly punch this pretentious bitch in the mouth.
04.15.09 at 2:36 pm
Much too obvious attempt to stir shit, perhaps even get Goad to make an appearance. I ain’t biting, especially when it’s written by a dude who’s girlfriend isn’t even interested in what he has to offer.
04.15.09 at 2:36 pm
that is the gayest firetruck i have ever seen i love it.
also, when i lived in the whitest richest canadian burbs ever for a few, my black friend came over to do some coke for the nite then the next day we walked around town a bit, it was like walking around with a i dunno, fluorescent red blinking hovering arrow or something. we passed another white’d up black guy, he made eye contact with my tall blipster friend basically communicating NOT RIGHT NOW. then we went for ice cream where i proclaimed BLACK PEOPLE EAT ICE CREAM!? and he goes yeah i KNOW i thought they ate mud! fuckin’ honkies.
04.15.09 at 2:39 pm
Man why yall crackers get all hurt?
Bunch of bitches.
04.15.09 at 2:40 pm
its called summarizing. try it.
04.15.09 at 2:58 pm
Not hurt. Just bored. I’m gonna go watch ManU play Porto.
04.15.09 at 3:03 pm
pfft. bwuh. pfft. other places are so, like, dumb… pfft. pfffffffffft.
04.15.09 at 3:06 pm
you look forward to pabst? gross.
04.15.09 at 3:07 pm
I think the Pabst thing was supposed to be ironic?
04.15.09 at 3:34 pm
That fag bar used to be an amazing Hardcore/Punk venue called the QE2. And it’s not a converted ’50s diner. It used to be a White Tower hamburger place.
Terrible shame that it went gay.
04.15.09 at 3:50 pm
Girlfriend is cute in a third-world way. Just waiting to get fat, though. I predict 50 lbs. in the next ten years.
04.15.09 at 3:58 pm
better than jen
04.15.09 at 4:23 pm
Hmm… won’t get fat, probably too self-conscious too let that happen. That’s an interesting mix though… peruvian japanese, the smartest and dumbest races in the world mixed into one.
The article isn’t bad, and it flows, although the author comes off as a douche I bet he isn’t as bad in real life. Dude, no one cares that you have a beard. NO ONE!!!
04.15.09 at 4:28 pm
“They had PBR and a smoking playpen just like in the big city….” Wow. New York is fucking upscale with all that highbrow shit. Only high school kids drink PBR because it’s what they can afford.
04.15.09 at 4:49 pm
yeah, arv, get a life.
go hug your girlfriend.
04.15.09 at 5:02 pm
Albany is one of the funnest on eastern sea board. Rough niggers with guns make it less fun, but it still beats the best parts of Brooklyn. At least Albany has no sense of irony…a good thing these days.
If you have never been, go and try to get laid, you will score (guy or girl) within 1.5 hours.
04.15.09 at 5:06 pm
ewww, albany. it’s so unremarkable.
04.15.09 at 5:12 pm
Ha, people surprised to see minorities in Albany? God, this guy is a douche. Have you ever been to Albany? It’s a shithole populated by thugged out Black and PR dudes.
04.15.09 at 5:24 pm
@ Goofus
You are not lying.
04.15.09 at 5:34 pm
We used to call it ballsbany, and it was the shit growing up.
04.15.09 at 6:30 pm
So I guess that this Ryan guy knows who Gavin is from reading the American Conservative?
04.15.09 at 6:39 pm
whoever is writing STREETBONING needs to fuck Right Aff
04.15.09 at 7:10 pm
the writer of this article seems like a complete doofus. but he did paint albany in the correct(ish) light. it can get real dutty and thugged out from time to time, but there are tons of hidden gems all throughout the city. its funny that he went to the fuze box, and even funnier that he went on 80’s night. thats basically about as “hip” as albany gets which goes to show just how far off the hip-o-meter albany really is. which is reason numero uno why i love going back there.
i think you should do a follow-up on albany but this time from a locals p.o.v. you’ll find it alot more interesting than some doucher walking around the plaza with some guido sh’bag tour guide. that much i can garauntee.
04.15.09 at 7:40 pm
Does anybody really give a shit about your trip to Albany? I don’t.
04.15.09 at 8:28 pm
do not want
04.15.09 at 8:32 pm
nice! really funny
04.15.09 at 8:37 pm
What Al Bunny said.
04.15.09 at 9:38 pm
I give a shit.
I love how the peanut gallery commentating on this blog can never admit they actually like something.
Start your own blog or shut up, gaylords.
04.15.09 at 10:10 pm
^^ haha! ‘the peanut gallery”!
that’s adorable!
04.16.09 at 2:53 am
es
pee
bee
04.16.09 at 3:02 am
yeah albany
04.16.09 at 7:26 am