I was downing beers on a Baltimore rooftop, when a chronic hipster with a mustache crawled all up in my lip space. The tongue-fest was fine, but it was going nowhere fast as my one night standards are pretty high. I made that perfectly clear, and went back to the roof to get drunk. Five beers later, all was forgotten.
Later that night, I was taking a lady leak inside when somebody psychotically beat down the bathroom door. “Uh, gimme one segundo, yo.”
I finished pissing just as the door handle started to rattle. Like some Law & Order shit, the dude shouted, “I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE! I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE, OPEN UP!” I pulled up my tights and unlocked the door. He flung the door at me, shimmied past, and relocked it before I could get out.
I had to interrupt this nonsense with a serious, “Say WHAT? Why in bloody hell are you following me?” He just kissed me softly. “That’s nice and all but dude, you have a pubestache. Plus, we’re only speaking in tongue, a language you suck at.”
I guess that pissed him off, because he slammed me on the tub with an, “OH I’LL FUCKING SPEAK!” I screamed a little and he let go.
Three beers later we revisited this. Fucker just wouldn’t give up. He caught me walking through the hallway and pulled me into the bathroom again. It was dark and there was candlelight, so naturally we started making out again. It was getting really hot for a second, until I noticed It’s Pat leering at me from a dark corner. When my eyes adjusted I saw the oldest, gnarliest, jiggliest, most wrecked, Jewish, polycystic ovary I’d ever seen in my life.
SAY SHALOM TO MY INTERPLANETARY MINDFUCK!
Why the fuck was this trisexual grandma gawking at me? Stachey and I kept at it, with my high hopes that granny would get bored and see herself out. Only problem was, this bloated spinster was TOTALLY into it and salivating like a wet dog. After a while, she picked her tits up off the floor and dragged ‘em over to us, fully expecting me to share this ever glorious moment of my youth.
To my chagrin, Stachey started onto this broad, sexing her up like I could not believe. When I weaseled around them, they both stopped and abruptly moved toward me for a group hug. “Awww, damn you guys — I love hugs.” I nestled their heads into my bosom to see if my little heart could have a small chance at beating to their crazy. NOPE.
“Ummm, what the fuck, Stache? Who is this broad? Are you a Jewfro cunt fetishist or some shit? Oh. Uh, well I just totally shaved, so, uh, I’MA GO. LIKE NOW.” In a manner of class, I exited stage left.
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
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AHAHAHAH
10.07.09 at 10:18 am
!!!?????
10.07.09 at 10:24 am
“…I was taking a LADY LEAK inside when somebody psychotically beat down the bathroom door. ‘Uh, gimme one segundo, yo.’”
For fuck’s sake, please, don’t everybody start writing like Diablo Cody. The world will be a terrible, endlessly irritating place–even more than it already is.
10.07.09 at 10:54 am
“LADY LEAK” should only apply to dudes who are sitting down with the hose tucked beneath the seat.
10.07.09 at 11:41 am
Wow, this is the most poorly written post I’ve ever seen here, which is really an accomplishment. Tell me, Lori, are you a chronic writer?
10.07.09 at 11:58 am
daddy don’t like it
10.07.09 at 12:02 pm
please stop
10.07.09 at 12:20 pm
quite funny…
10.07.09 at 12:22 pm
fun stuff
10.07.09 at 12:22 pm
@Diablo Cody: stop exaggerating, you’re not cute, just unnecessarily rude
10.07.09 at 12:25 pm
hilarious!!
10.07.09 at 12:26 pm
I like how the guys don’t like it & the girls find it funny. You know why? Because this shit happens to us girls all the time.
10.07.09 at 1:15 pm
well, sounds more interesting than my saturday night.
10.07.09 at 1:23 pm
clean up your “street” voice. you don’t have to sound like henry james but this reads like a bag lady’s rant.
10.07.09 at 1:47 pm
@comic book guy…
ahhahahah. thank you. you rule.
10.07.09 at 1:57 pm
this story sort of makes me sick to my stomach and worried for the youth today.
10.07.09 at 2:31 pm
Nobody talks like this, unless you’re in Gilmore Girls or Juno.
10.07.09 at 3:00 pm
im confused, this is shit is like a rung below rape. could you just tell the dude to fuck off? instead you put yourself in the position of a victim. what, i ask, is fucking wrong with you?
10.07.09 at 3:00 pm
I’m sad now and it’s because of your story. No thank you.
10.07.09 at 4:10 pm
Matrick Swayze wins for comment, but loses for name.
10.07.09 at 4:58 pm
YO DAWGS, HIPSTERS AND BALTIMORE ROOFS YO YO YO YO YO. JUST SLINGIN ON THE CORNER YELLIN REUP. DID I MENTION BALTIMORE?
10.07.09 at 6:07 pm
“Who is THIS broad you axe? This broad is the classiest, sassiest, assiest dame west of New Rochelle and if you can’t get slurped by the true champeen of this here B-more party it’s ring-a-ding-ding for you ya knucklehead!!” – Stachey (because I have a moustache that’s obviously the most clever/fucked up knickname out on the streets).
10.07.09 at 6:16 pm
reading this was like riding a confusing slide at a park and i was happy and relieved when it spat me out quickly back onto the ground.
10.07.09 at 6:26 pm
The only time I’ve ever been surprised with bush that painfully huge was when a “blond” Mormon girl turned out to neither be blond nor into basic personal hygiene.
And sorry if I’m offending anyone, but that’s just rude.
Actually, fuck it…I’m not sorry. I got banned for life by Jezebel for saying it’s polite to at least trim the edges a little bit if you’re gonna shove a guy’s face into your business.
Eff you Jezebel.
Pie grinders, all of you.
E.
10.07.09 at 10:27 pm
I am seriously going to start submitting stories about my wet-farts. they would be classier and more interesting than this. Christ, you guys will publish anything.
10.08.09 at 1:48 am
I love you Goldcat.
10.08.09 at 1:54 am
that photo is absolutely mesmerizing. you gotta make it the next sbtvc t-shirt. YA GOTTA.
10.08.09 at 3:05 am