(Suck’s mittens above and an article about Dédé from Bizzarre Mag Christmas 2007)

Suck UK is a great – but pricey – site where stoned Londoners can make their bathroom mirrors look like giant razor blades or store their USB mixes in cardboard containers that look like old cassette tapes. It’s a good place for gift-buying if you are organized enough to account for European shipping time but it’s an even better place if you were broke for a really long time and just came into some money. After years of eating off furniture from the garbage, you can finally get an illuminated coffee table that shows a huge X-Ray of the time you got shot through the femur. And it’s only £2500!

One of their more recent items is a pair of cigarette-friendly mittens that allow you to smoke in the cold without exposing your hands. They cost about £15, which isn’t bad for people like you and me but for deformed people from Southeast Asia, it’s basically infinity.

“Big whup” says Indonesian circus freak Dédé AKA Tree Man. “I made my own pair of those years ago using my actual fuckin hands.” Dédé is probably the most tenacious person ever to contract epidermodysplasia verruciformis. Instead of figuring out what money is and how to get a credit card and where a computer is and why he has no address, Tree just took a wooden straw and jammed it through his enormous, tree hand. “There” he said while smoking a Marlboro, “And I didn’t have to go to no motherfuckin computer machine to do it neither.”
LOL. You may have won this round circus freak, but in the words of the immortal KRS-One, “Internet Shopping’s Gonna Getcha Eventually Sucka!”

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