WORDS: ROBERT FOSTER
I took all the pictures from Titty City; these are the kinds of girls you’re going to fuck it up with if you’re not careful.
You know how when norms end up in your bar or club by accident they always try something with your hottest, most weird-dressing female friend and you laugh at them because they think big muscles and talking about their job is going to impress her, when all she wants is a guy with neck tattoos and drum kit? You’re all, “How does he think this is going to pan out? He’s a fucking moron if he thinks any of this is going to work,” and you make sure he sees you laugh at him. Then he gets the message and backs down (and then waits for you all outside to beat the living shit out of you ’cause he goes to the gym and you’re all pussies).
After the three of you clean yourselves up from being wailed on by one guy, you comfort yourselves by talking about how that guy had no fucking clue how to talk to women. That makes you feel better about being a bunch of pussies, but what if you’re a bunch of pussies who also don’t know how to get with women? Then he’s ahead of you because at least he can beat up three guys at once. What have you got? You’ve got nothing.
You guys should be really good at talking to women ’cause you’re art fans and you know about David Lynch and stuff. But when it comes down to it, trying to get girls to have sex with us drives us crazy with unrequited lust, and all the book-learnin’ and respect for women goes out the window. When that happens, us art fags end up acting exactly the same as the Ed Hardy boys, and our women folk hate that (because otherwise they’d be with them; those guys are way richer than we are when they’re in their early 20s).
I’ve compiled a brief list of (sex) crimes that people often commit when they’re so into a girl they can’t see that they’re acting like a fucking jock, just so yoos can check yourselves before it gets out of hand.
LYING ABOUT HAVING ALREADY DONE IT
Everyone knows how this one goes: You’ve been lurking around some girl for a few weekends and nothing’s really been happening, but she’s the kind of girl that lots of guys know and talk to. You don’t like that other guys haven’t recognized that you’re on that shit, so you kinda, sorta imply that you kinda, sorta already did stuff with her to a few guys. This does make all those guys back off, which is what you wanted.
Everyone also knows what happens next though: Because she’s the sort of girl who lots of guys know, one of them completely innocently says to her, “Oh, so I hear you’re hooking up with XXX?” and she’s like, “Haha! No, we’re just hanging out but nothing’s happened — who told you that?” and he looks really puzzled and says, “Errrm, XXX did.”
Two things then happen: She feels totally violated and refuses to talk to you (this shit is worse than rape for some girls), and the guy tells everyone what a fucking loser you are for lying about it. Nine times out of ten you will have said it because you’re so into her but were worried that other people might get to her before you (which is lame, but kind of cute), but ten times out of ten people will think you did it to showoff and look the big man for something you didn’t even do (which is pretty unpleasant).
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GETTING MAD THAT IT’S NOT HAPPENING
After a few weeks of being a nice fucking guy (probably about a month of talking on the phone, meeting on lunch breaks and staying over but getting nothing), things get pretty frustrating. If nothing at all has happened at the six-week mark, leave it because she knows what the fuck is up but she just doesn’t find you attractive and the best thing you can do is walk away. If she’s the kind of self-involved bitch that keeps a sucker hanging around for six weeks, then she’ll miss the attention and be on your dick in no time.
The worst possible thing you can do at this point is let all the resentment and blue balls born out of fruitless nights staying in her amazing smelling bed without even being able to have a surreptitious wank while she sleeps next to you seep out into a rage attack when she denies you for the 15 millionth time. If she really was just biding her time and checking if you were the nice guy you were acting like (she probs just came out of a long thing with some other dude who shouted at her and stuff), then you just fucked it by screaming “What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you trying to upset me and ruin my life with this shit?!” an inch from her face. She’ll quietly ask you to leave and that’ll be it.
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UNSOLICITED SUGGESTIVE TEXTS
If you haven’t been intimate with someone but they gave you the gift of their number or their BBM, they might be a little into you, which is totally fair enough; you’re a nice guy and you were funny and you bought her a drink but didn’t force her to hang out with you too long or follow her around the bar like a psycho ’cause you got too drunk or wink at her or any of that shit.
What you mustn’t do with this special gift that she has given you is use it to try to be all sexy and suggestive via text because you have no idea what she’s doing at the moment she receives it. She might get it while she’s changing her tampon or changing her grandad’s underwear ’cause he is in the final “pooping a lot” stages of Alzheimer’s, or she might be helping out at a rape-crisis center. None of these things are sexy and even if she’s not doing one of those horrible things, even though you’ve got your dick in your left hand as you type, there’s such a slim chance that she’s gonna be feeling sexy at the same time as you, that you’re just going to look like a dirty fucker.
AND SHE KNOWS WHAT YOU’RE DOING WHEN YOU SEND IT. She thinks it’s gross.
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SLEEPING IN HER BED AND TRYING IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If you’ve been trying and trying with a girl who’s not so sure but at least keen to talk to you, and it gets really late and she says you can sleep over, but then stipulates a “no funny business” clause in the verbal contract of you sleeping in her bed, then you’ve got to suck it up and take it, pal. “No” does sometimes mean “yes,” but if she’s been firm about it before you’ve got under the covers, then just roll over and go to sleep, safe in the knowledge that you’ve made some healthy baby steps towards wetting your dick, but tonight is not the night.
Everyone knows the above option is the best one, but after a few drinks, so many go for the option involving roaming hands being knocked back over and over again, with one final, semi-violent attempt at holding her down and making out with her followed by a disgruntled exhalation of breath and a roll over, or you getting thrown out of her bed.
She won’t think you’re an actual rapist and call the police, but she will call you a rapist to all her friends and you’ll never sleep in her bed again and none of her friends will want to fuck you. Congratulations, you are basically the monkey in this video:
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By my reckoning, if you avoid these slip-ups, you’re laughing, boys.
YOU’RE WELCOME.
SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON PLATFORM.
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You people sleep in women’s beds without committing the act? No wonder they don’t give you any. They see you as already emasculated.
03.08.10 at 9:20 am
hit her in the stomach if she locks up on you
03.08.10 at 9:30 am
6 weeks working on a girl and not getting any? What are you, 15? If you’re not getting any play by the second/third date, you need to either drink more or find another girl.
03.08.10 at 9:47 am
woooowww this article is so pussy…or should i say NO pussy
03.08.10 at 9:47 am
I still don’t get how people not in high school dont laugh at themselves when they refer to adults with real jobs as norms.
03.08.10 at 9:48 am
Man, this one is just sad. Who’s the audience here?
03.08.10 at 9:54 am
@blurg: Don’t you know man? There are only two types of people out there: Real artists with neck tattoos that know about that super obscure filmmaker David Lynch, and Ed Hardy douches who make tons of money and work at banks when they aren’t juicing down at the gym. Where the fuck have you been?
03.08.10 at 9:57 am
agree w/above commenters. if i decide by third date (who am i kidding, first date) that i don’t want a guy, i never change my mind.
except for once. i was on a fourth date with a very smart and funny but terribly nerdy guy. he asked me to stay over again because it was so late, so i agreed. he came into the bedroom to say goodnight and tried to kiss me. i told him no and started to get upset w/him. he turned on his heels and left. by “left” i mean he went running out of the bedroom, down the stairs and threw himself on the sofa, tears in his eyes, really upset, saying things like “no woman wants me! my last girlfriend never wanted to have sex and now you don’t want me to touch you!”
i was stupefied. before i knew it, i was patting him on the back, ‘there, there’ type stuff. then i was hugging him, then he was hugging me back, then he was burying his face in me. next thing you know, we’re fucking. and he was great, like amazingly skilled. it wasn’t till all was said and done and i was home talking to a guy friend, relating what happened, that i realized i’d been hoodwinked into a pity fuck.
have no shame, is basically the lesson to be learned. none.
03.08.10 at 10:00 am
If you are sleeping in the bed with a promise of “being good”, and you really end up being good, you have instantly attained gay friend status.
03.08.10 at 10:16 am
so yeah, i agree with the comments saying that if you’re stayin over with a girl and she’s not putting out for whatever reason, then just rape her.
congrats all round, guys.
03.08.10 at 10:24 am
Are any of these common problems? Stop wasting months on girls not interested in you. Go watch a Stephen Lynch movie or something.
03.08.10 at 10:24 am
wait till you both wake up around 3 am and all your inhibitions are gone, don’t go for it at bedtime
03.08.10 at 10:36 am
I’m glad somebody’s covering the basics for all the high school boys out there. Seriously, Drippy Dog Dix nailed it. If you sleep at a girls house and you don’t start making out BEFORE you get in bed, you are in the gay friend hall of fame. The girl is no better. She knows that you want to fuck, and she’s enjoying the attention, but doesn’t want to fuck you. Walk away. Go home. Ignore her.
03.08.10 at 11:01 am
if she doesn’t fuck you right away, she isn’t going to fuck you. maybe one desperate nite in the future if she’s plastered and lonely, but really, if she’s into it (aka you are attractive enough for her) she’ll hit it.
we all have enough friends so in short, don’t sleep over.
03.08.10 at 11:20 am
definitely bookmarked titty city. hilarious vid too. god i love being a perv in the modern infidel world.
03.08.10 at 11:25 am
wait, so how does she know what im doing when i send those texts?
03.08.10 at 12:09 pm
it’s been 6 weeks, i’ve seen eraserhead and never touch the freeweights. can i get laid now?
03.08.10 at 2:07 pm
robert foster is a fucking pussy. “sleeping in her bed”, wtf??
03.08.10 at 3:17 pm
6 weeks working on a girl and not getting any? What are you, 15? If you’re not getting any play by the second/third hour, you need to either drink more or find another girl.
03.08.10 at 3:46 pm
i don’t like chris rock because he’ not really funny, he just yells stuff in a blacent, but he was spot on with this gem: Women decide in the first five minutes whether or not they will ever fuck you. Actually scratch that, the first 30 seconds. And platonic sleep over, WTF? Even I think thats kind of cruel.
03.08.10 at 3:54 pm
Yo babe You from around here?
03.08.10 at 4:51 pm
You guys actually read this article?
03.08.10 at 5:01 pm
“Man, this one is just sad. Who’s the audience here?”
In my one or two cursory visits to Platform after it was repped on SBTVC I got the distinct impression that their readership is slightly more, uh, pathetic I suppose is the only word that springs to mind, than the one here. Hard to quantify just a gut feeling really.
03.08.10 at 5:29 pm
Cut the bitch.
03.08.10 at 8:26 pm
Enough of this Foster clown; I want to read more about sex from Gavin. I tried out his “I’m your property” line on my bf (I said, “I’m your property, Dick Johnson, and you can cum anywhere you want”)- it fucking ruled.
03.08.10 at 9:03 pm
I detest the position these Platform articles come from….
‘Oh, us art guys, oh oh oh’
‘She won’t go with THAT guy, he is a chump’
‘Oh, us ART GUYS, OH OH OH’
etc
Half the time your weirdly dressed, hot, ‘artchick’ friend just wants some guy who will man up and fuck her without flirting around the subject like some fucking Japanese minister talking about slaughtering wales.
Dressing weird is her only fucking outlet as her sexual energy, which naturally should be escaping from her vagina is being unaturally backed up as all the guys she is surrounded by are arguing about David Lynch and stuff so it goes back up and into her head and she goes down the thrift shop and flails around spasmodically like a sprayed fly until she is covered in clothes then walks out the door.
03.09.10 at 2:02 am
hahaha breeders and the things they do to get laid
03.09.10 at 6:50 am
Also @Anonymous
“except for once. i was on a fourth date with a very smart and funny but terribly nerdy guy blah blah…”
That was funnier than the article and it took a sixth of the time to read. That is economy. Give this bitch a column.
03.09.10 at 9:18 am
This article wasn’t about getting laid it was about getting laid for the first time. Didn’t you guys pick up on that right away? Not everyone loses their virginity before their mid twenties, you know.
03.09.10 at 5:08 pm
[...] by wookin pa nub Soo, I was reading this fantastically awesome article on Street Boners all about Ways Not to Fuck up a Fuck . Amid all of the salient points presented, one stuck out in [...]
03.10.10 at 7:18 am
Fuck tup.
03.11.10 at 5:13 am
Oh man. Just to add the fifty-seventh bit of affirmation… if a girl says “we can sleep together but no funny business”, you have two choices. You can lie motionless in her bed for 9 hours like a mannequin with an erection and get no sleep as she releases clouds of sexfumes from her armpits and pussy into your face – and congratulations, you will now NEVER have sex with this particular bitch. Or you can say “goodnight” when she switches the light off, lean over her and kiss her cheek, then kiss her on the lips, then stuff your fingers in her pussy, then fuck her silly. Every time a girl I like has suggested sleeping in her bed and given me a “no funny business” ultimatum I’ve sworn on my mother’s life not to touch her twinkle. Then I’ve gleefully broken my promise and enjoyed some awesome pussy as soon as the lights go out. Secret hint: girls like cock – they just say that stuff to make themselves feel like they’re not being sluts. (As if I would give a fuck if they said “sleep over tonight and pound my pussy”. Actually, on second thoughts if they did say that I’d go off them a bit.)
12.07.10 at 1:18 am