(Saved Tattoo made a bunch of t-shirts for the tour. This is violin / keyboard guy Sebastian Chow wearing one)

We got back from our five-city World Tour last night and the verdict is: touring is fun. Even though nobody over 25 has heard of them, Islands actually have a pretty big fan base and were getting an average of about 1,300 a night. When you make that many people laugh at once it’s like angels farting in your mouth.

(Other Chow violinist Alex in Street Carnage gear)
WASHINGTON DC
The first night was in Washington DC which is where the president lives. Our set went great although the Boner where I go, “I’d like to go Paki-bashing in this woman’s vagina” garnered zero laughs whatsoever. It can be a bit tricky riffing with teens. Especially when their parents are in the audience. Especially when you do a bit where you say you’re glad married men bitch about not getting blowjobs because I don’t like the idea of my mom sucking my dad off.

That night we stayed at a hotel that was for rich blacks. We didn’t realize it at first but the safari-themed rooms complete with leopard skin bathrobes and zebra-skin pillows made it undeniable. Even the key cards to our rooms had a handsome black woman sipping champagne. We fell asleep watching Tyler Perry movies.

NB: Tyler Perry’s big Momma character is Madea. The hotel was called Madera. You do the math.

(When we arrived in Philly, Pinky put in his sexy fronts)
PHILLY PA
This was in the basement of a church and only had about half as many parent escorts. You have to really taper your comedy when talking to the Kids of America. They think eating a girl out is the weirdest thing on earth and have barely come to terms with menstruation (these two things may be linked). When I did a bit about how much I hate running out of tampons at my Mother’s house because she has some weird Kotex super pads that look like the Darma group from Lost sent them to her or some shit and the applicator is so huge it feels like I’m stuffing a baguette up my cooch, some girl yelled out, “How would you know?”

Pinky also tapered his set to the naïve demographic and removed the Three’s Company parody where the opening credits are amalgamated with German shit porn.

THE INCIDENT
Towards the end of the night I saw Islands singer Nick Diamonds trying to console Pinky who had become purple with rage. I jumped in and explained to Nick we had been drinking whisky and doing amphetamines all night and shit can set you off for no reason when you’re like that. I went upstairs to the Islands band room to get some beers and calm him down only, the tour manager told me that wouldn’t really be cool because that’s the band’s beer. He said it like the boss from Office Space. Now steam was coming out of MY ears. No wonder Pinky was pissed. I tried to explain to the guy how wrong it is to tell two grown men they can’t have $4 worth of beer out of a giant bucket but he wouldn’t budge so I grabbed the beers, told him to fuck off and we drove back to New York drunk.

(Pinky on stage in New York introducing that thing where the old cowboys sexy dance)

NEW YORK NY
This show was bigger than the other ones. Probably about 2,000 people and a lot less parental chaperones. Pinky showed up with minutes to spare because he’s shooting the new Crystal Castles video.

The tour manager guy wanted to make up without apologizing and did that thing where you go, “I’m sorry you feel so strongly about it” which is like saying, “It’s unfortunate you’re such a baby.”
Later that night, we stole some beer from Magic, the other opening band, and that felt a lot less justified than stealing Islands beer. Not sure why.

After the show an old white lady who looked like my mother told me she couldn’t stop laughing and we should come do shows in Long Island. Her Asian son agreed. Then they both point out they are married and he’s not her son. She must have had 30 years on the fucking guy. Double Yew Tee Eff? Talk about a wiener down a hallway; more like shooting a breakfast sausage into outer space.

BOSTON, MA
Once again we were drowning in parental escorts. Why the fuck do these people have to stand by their kids during these shows? You can’t drop off your 14 year-old and go get a beer or something while he enjoys the show? It’s not GG Allin. I think the parents are secretly bored and see chaperoning as an excuse to get out of the house. Lame.

It was good to see actual TV Carnage fans in the audience this time. They were recognizing things like that girl who says, “Outra-a-a-ageous” with the bottom of the inside of her throat.

After the show we went to a bunch of strip clubs. Massachusetts allows for full gash so coming from post Giuliani New York, it was like hanging out with a gynecologist. It was also a tiny bit sad.

Check out this “NEW – a pleasure assortment of totally nude – PUSSY PHOTOS – Adults Only – Rated XX – See ALL in full color – Get the entire assortment.”

Special thanks to Islands for inviting us and good luck on the rest of the tour. We can’t do Canada because of Street Carnage TV shit but you should still check out this show. Check dates here.

MORE MOVIES AND SHIT FROM THE TOUR COMING SOON!

Related posts:

1. “NO YOU DON’T” STARRING NICK DIAMONDS AND A DROID THAT LOOKS A LOT LIKE MICHAEL CERA
2. DFA 1979 TRIED TO HAVE ME KILLED
3. HEY BROWN LOAFERS, IT’S CALLED A STREET SURFER
4. STREET CARNAGE INVITES YOU TO COME TO THE LEGION TONIGHT. FOR GARY’S SAKE AS WELL AS OTHER REASONS
5. DEAR STREET CARNAGE: THE CEILING FAN I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER DAY