(This new format made actors a lot less annoying than they usually are)

With all due respect to my Canadian bosses, I gotta say, watching the Academy Awards last night made me proud to be an American. They did everything right, which was, everything new.

If anyone attended Fashion Week this year they saw it for the macabre glumfest it had to be. The few people that had shows were as bored and unhappy as the losers who had to sit through them (like me). The reason it sucked was the same reason my boyfriend says boxing sucks. They are unable to adapt. Boxing is still the exact same format it’s always been: Camera fastened to a beam that’s miles over the ring and monotone narration over top of that. The reason MMA swept in and took over their whole industry was they had the balls to do new shit like zoom in on the bloody face and fucking freak out when something particularly crazy went down (I’m paraphrasing out of my ass here but that’s what boys tell me is true). Fashion and Boxing are both run by people with low IQs and when the going gets tough the dumb get lost.

The Academy Awards, gay as it may be, at least had the gonads to totally reinvent itself and start from scratch. That’s the only way people are going to survive this economic holocaust; Come up with some brand new shit. What about you buy an 8-Ball and casually deal coke to your friends? Get some prescriptions you don’t need from a shady doctor and start selling those too (not to strangers but to people you know and trust). When the weather warms up, go on a road trip and buy a bunch of junk from garage sales that’s considered gold back in the city. Um, what else? Fuck a rich person. You get the idea.

(Not from the Academy Awards but the Spirit Awards. However, it’s a great example of the greatness that is the new Mickey)

Last night had the kind of energy only a new beginning can have. They took a pilled-out dirtbag like Mickey Rourke and made him the poster boy for the whole event. This is a guy who said of the award, “You can’t eat it, you can’t fuck it, and it ain’t going to get you into heaven.” One of the strangest parts was when Sean Penn came out and explained the guy who murdered Harvey Milk wasn’t a homophobe but merely someone who thought MILK was an acronym for “Motherfucker I’d Like to Kill.” Would you ever see a moment like that at the old Oscars? When DeNiro came out and made yet another gay joke, it was another great “Think outside the box” moment (BTW who doesn’t like Robert DeNiro? I googled “I hate Robert DeNiro” and got 8 links which all seemed to be one guy who couldn’t understand why he didn’t like him – and that was only in action movies).

Personally, I think all the smart gays who abandoned Fashion Week went over to the Oscars. “Oooh, let’s get Hugh Jackman to make the whole thing into a Broadway Musical!” “Ooooh, I know, let’s make it old timey like the Cleopatra Club from the 20s!” That isn’t the point though. The point is, if doing something crazy like letting a herd of genius homos loose all over your 81 year institution is going to save the day, fucking do it. The invisible hand of capitalism has no patience for tradition.

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