I don’t know about you, but I’m an atheist in the trenches. I know, I know — I’ve never been in a trench with the bullets and the mortar and other grim caresses — but I have almost fuckin’ died aplenty. A few whispers from the Reaper include: freely accepting death while in a fully conscious, foam-from-the-mouth Oxycontin/Tequila coma; almost having my ribcage pulverized between a reversing box truck and a loading dock; hiking down Kaaterskill Falls in pitch black, only to realize another step would have sent me off a sheer cliff; and many foolish close calls on my fixed-gear hipster killer. (BTW, I’m not making light of any of this; nothing breaks my heart quite like white bikes, and I sure don’t want to be mortally wounded while earning my precious hundreds of dollars a week.)

Anyway, after every death tickle I still never pray to God or go on some penitent shit. I believe that when you’re gone … well, there’s nothing. It’s kind of what it feels like to live in the year 1234, which you can’t feel, because you weren’t fucking conscious yet. I sorta believe that thing about DMT being released in your brain when you die though, so I guess if you die a horrific or frightening death, it is really, really gonna suck for about ten minutes.

My old friend Beefy was shot by accident and died TWICE while being airlifted to a hospital — that is, they brought him back to life TWICE. My friends and I asked him what the hell it was like and he only drawled, “Pff, I don’t know. I don’t remember shit. I was dead.”

So back to religion: Can’t it be argued that religions abstractly answer the logically unanswerable? For instance: Death, the Afterlife, the Creation of the Universe, the Meaning of our Existence, etc. Aren’t people drawn to religion to find refuge and comfort from the “soft horror of living”? Aren’t the oldest religions based on a foundation of oral history passed on though hundreds of years, thus making them the longest game of Telephone ever played? All the major religions maintain that God/Allah is the ultimate form of Truth. That’s cool, but on the other hand, don’t the major religions also consider it a great virtue to be God-fearing? Doesn’t that mean fearing God is to fear Truth? So if you fear Truth, you — by definition — are ignorant, right? Bipbipbip — don’t try to answer these questions, because they can’t be answered. Unless perhaps, you’re religious.

All I’m saying is that I have questions about life, death, and mankind’s hijinks that I don’t mind not having answers to. But I AM willing to learn as much as I can about them before my last DMT trip and the flesh rots off my bones. In fact, the only theological question I need answered at the moment is this:

I have In God We Trust on transparent blue vinyl and an autographed Living Bible from all the guys in Stryper from when I used to yawn my way through church as an alter altar [thanks, Altared States] boy. Anyone know how much $$$ I could eBay this Frisbee & storybook for?

Sweet riffage, lame gimmick.

-MIKE EIDE

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