WORDS: ROBERT FOSTER
Hi folks! By now, you’ll have spotted that Platform and Street Carnage have been engaging in something of a cultural exchange for the last few months, which has been a lot of fun. Gavin has wound up the Platform folks by not being “right on” enough and I’ve written about my dick a few times.
In the last post he did for us, Gavin was all up in our grills, hating on British people and whatnawwwt, and this got the comment nerds really riled up. This was, of course, great — so the exchange program is really working out. But as a kind of rebuttal, here’s ten things I don’t understand about our cousins from across the Atlantic:
1. YOU CAN’T DO OUR ACCENTS CONVINCINGLY
The guy from The Wire is British, and Hugh Laurie from House is the most British guy of all time, but they both manage to copy your voices without any problems at all. You guys, on the other hand, seem to think Dick Van Dyke had it perfect in Mary Poppins and seem to have just run with it. When you pretend to be us we can totally tell you’re Americans faking it. (And what about how in Frasier, Daphne’s brother was a cockney but Daphne was clearly from the North, and then another brother came in and he had a Liverpool accent? That made no sense.)
2. AMERICAN FOOTBALL IS FOR PUSSIES
Are you serious with all the protective gear? Afraid you’re gonna scrape your knee or make a boo boo on your elbow? What if you get a little bash on the head and have to sit down for ten minutes? Yeah definitely wear the helmet, and the shinguards, shoulder pads, and the cup. We have a policy on our website where I’m not allowed to say fag, but come on guys, don’t force my hand on this one. Also, all your athletes thank God every time a camera gets put in their faces, which is fucking lame.
3. YOUR TV IS TERRIBLE
Are you serious about Fox News? I’m no knee-jerk liberal but that stuff is pretty one sided don’t you think? And what about how if you watch non-cable TV there’s an ad break more than there’s a program. And what about how there’s no swearing, like, ever? This is what happens when you vote in people who think Jesus made the earth in seven days and are sure gays can be fixed: They think noises you make with your mouth are going to send you to Hell.
4. YOUR RAPPERS ARE TURNING INTO WOMEN
I didn’t want to compare and contrast our two great nations too much in this, because I know we’ve got our problems too (something you guys can never admit to yourselves, eeeyyy ooooh!), but our rappers are way scarier than your rappers. All our guys need is some Stone Island and a knife made out of a melted toothbrush that they’ll force into a fifteen year old’s gut for an iPhone on a freezing cold South London council estate, and they’re happy. Your guys are more into going to the gym, making smart investment
decisions, covering their muscles with oil and being into diamonds, like how girls are into diamonds. Don’t make me say the f word again.
5. YOU HAVE TIP IN YOUR BARS
So I’m paying for the drink, but I’m not just paying for the drink, I’m paying the barman (who is already on a wage to get me my drink) to get me my drink, right? So is there a set system? If I tip him more, will he suck my dick? Is he going to engage me in conversation, and if he does, do I have to pay him more? Is he going to refuse me if I don’t tip? What if he’s a shitty barman with a bad attitude, do I still tip? Huh?
6. YOUR BORDER GUYS ARE FUCKING PSYCHOS
I’m a white guy who wears expensive clothes and talks like I went to an expensive boarding school (I did), but when I came to your country last March to tour with some dumb band or other, your crew cut / Napoleon complex / tiny dick border guy clearly thought I was trying to live with you guys illegally and get a job gardening with Mexicans or something, ’cause he took me in a little room and yelled at me about where I intended to stay for half an hour. Then he shouted at my Scottish friend in Spanish because he had a tan. Paranoid much, guys?
7. YOU’RE SCARED OF MUSLIMS
Yeah, so about seven of them attacked America nearly ten years ago, and sure, when everyone barged into their countries they got pretty pissed off, but are you seriously worried about the others? Most Muslims are just bible nerds with a different bible — they just pray all day long and hang out with their parents. David Koresh was a Christian but you don’t think every church pastor is going to stockpile arms and fuck kids, do you? Let’s face it, you’ve just never been big on guys with brown skin, have you?
8. YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR COUNTRY
You think your country is the best at everything and if you’re drunk in a bar and someone challenges you about what a weird, fucked up place it is, you’ll get crazily red faced angry about it and ruin everyone’s evening because everyone from your country is your bro’. You could say the Queen fucks her kids, Gordon Brown is a one eyed Scottish retard, or the Union Jack is a shit flag and you know what I would say? Nothing at all, because loving your country is for North Koreans and people with so little cultural identity that they have to pretend they’re in a big 300 million strong gang who stick up for each other no matter what. Hey dicks, real life isn’t the same as elementary school — territorialism is for dogs and drug dealers only.
9. YOU HAVE TWO CHRISTMASES
Is one holiday based around roasted meats not enough for you, you fat fucks? What the fuck is with Thanksgiving? All you did was kill a bunch of Indians who didn’t even have guns. Then they surrendered and gave you a turkey. Isn’t that what happened? And now we have to sit through your lame Christmas films that aren’t even about Christmas but some other holiday you made up, and our kids don’t get it.
10. YOU USE DISTANCE AS AN EXCUSE TO BE SLOW ON MAIL ORDER
Hey Gavin, I ordered my Street Carnage / Rockers NYC Minor Threat shirt a fucking month ago and nothing’s shown up! I know it was before Thanksgiving when I ordered it but I can fly to New York in seven hours, so what’s up with how you can’t get a t-shirt to London in under four weeks, even with the jacked up postage price I’m paying?
[Ed Note: According to our records, that shirt was sent out on November 23rd, four days after your order. So it's your bullshit customs people that are at fault. Nice try.]
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oh, the shirt arrived today. thanks america! xxx
12.17.09 at 12:12 pm
What about my scared of muslims?
12.17.09 at 12:17 pm
On the accent thing: The reason British actors take the time to get the accent down is that they want to get big in America. What American gives a shit about getting exposure in Britain? That’s like being big in Pennsylvania.
12.17.09 at 12:18 pm
‘YOUR SCARED OF MUSLIMS’
you need a sub editor
YOU’RE
12.17.09 at 12:21 pm
Everything he wrote is the most obvious complaints about the states ever. I’m not even American so I have nothing at stake but come on. You can do better than this. I think Gavin wiped the floor in this one.
12.17.09 at 12:21 pm
What a surprise: a shitty writer trolling for comments
Quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever read on this site
So obvious, hackneyed and quite honestly embarrassing
At least Americans can write
12.17.09 at 12:25 pm
british food sucks
12.17.09 at 12:29 pm
What about those oppressive libel laws that your country is sort of into? You know, those ones that make a press blackout unbelievably easy. Yeah with those you really get to hear all sides of an argument. I’ll take Bill O’Reilly and his one sided rhetoric over a fucking police state any day of the week.
12.17.09 at 12:30 pm
You’re “expensive boarding school” wasn’t for shit if your now writing like this.
12.17.09 at 12:34 pm
this is gay
12.17.09 at 12:47 pm
I can’t take you seriously with all those typos. You’re just as bad at writing English as you are at speaking it.
12.17.09 at 12:53 pm
the reason we dont do your accents convincingly is because, as usual, we could give a fuck about convincing you of anything. also, tipping is courtesy. you dont have to do it, i know i dont. UK rap? AHA no thanks. American football is for pussies huh? I invite you to be a defensive lineman for 5 minutes. hell, even a wide reciever or something. those boys would rip your fucking face off and leave you for dead you monty python son of a bitch
12.17.09 at 12:56 pm
couldnt*
12.17.09 at 12:58 pm
the us has been fucked since reaganomics.
12.17.09 at 1:00 pm
brits are afraid to say fag?
12.17.09 at 1:03 pm
wowza seems like #8 is coming alive in the comments.
this shit was funny and entertaining.
true, america hates niggaz.
12.17.09 at 1:06 pm
pretty true about the accent in tv and film thing, but an average brit (not fucking hugh laurie) trying to sound American with an “Oh my gawd! SO awesome” valley girl accent is cringy. I’ve heard this a million times. also, i do appreciate how you guys swear. even your Nana says fucking cunt. its cute.
12.17.09 at 1:07 pm
you are both horrible places that i would never move to.
12.17.09 at 1:09 pm
You got yelled at for half an hour at the US border?
I came to your country last May to tour with some dumb band or whatever and was detained at an airport prison for NINE HOURS (in a kiddie room) where I passed time watching shitty game shows like Deal or No Deal, losing my mind and asking stupid questions like “If we’re not in England since we didn’t technically cross the border, where are we? The Atlantic ocean?” I even started fantasizing about what was happening to the guys in the other room (i.e. The guys were stripped naked and being whipped while we girls were getting served sandwiches and tea.) just to lighten my spirits.
Nine hours! So YOUR border guys are fucking psychos! Although, that blonde broad who interrogated me was really hot.
Anyway, not tipping at bars is my second favorite thing about England, if I even have to buy the drink at all because British dudes are such gentlemen (my first fave thing! free beers that is…)
12.17.09 at 1:10 pm
Yeah I just can’t be bothered with this. The UK sucks. Just go for a walk and see. Why are they always fucking with football? Who cares about fucking football? Is it worse than soccer? Fine. Those faggots come here, hang out in Las Vegas for a couple weeks and then they’re Amero-experts. Here’s a “proper” shit American experience that you limp tea bags could never appreciate:
Taking a bus near the Can/Am border with Puerto Ricans. Stops every fucking 15 minutes so they can argue with cops about whether Puerto Rico is a country or not. Takes two days to get from Syracuse to Buffalo.
12.17.09 at 1:14 pm
Right, rugby players are tougher than American football players. Have you seen Ray Lewis? Yeah, Reginad MCguildenstein from prep school would tear him a new ass if he wasn’t wearing pads…..please
12.17.09 at 1:15 pm
That was a pretty shit article.
12.17.09 at 1:19 pm
Everything that was said in this post is true. If Americans (especially Brooklynites) can’t accept that they live in a third world hellhole, they need to travel more.
That said, England is the worst place on earth.
12.17.09 at 1:22 pm
#5: Answers:
Bartender’s wages before tips average 2.50 an hour. Tipping is completely necessary so fucking do it and stop whining you cheap bastard.
In some bars in Chelsea; yes. HE will suck your dick. SHE will give you a fake number.
HE will engage you in conversation because he wants to suck your dick. SHE will engage you in conversation because you (meaning your penis) will believe she’s into whatever it is you are talking about which will result in you tipping her more.
Yes.
In my opinion.A very small tip speaks louder than none at all
12.17.09 at 1:25 pm
Your rappers win.
12.17.09 at 1:26 pm
I’ll take your comments seriously when drunk Limeys in pubs stop yelling ” I’m more faaaking English than the Queen, mate.”
12.17.09 at 1:28 pm
The US sucks because some random dude in 1964 couldn’t do a British accent well? Nothing in this article relates to anything that I relate to as an American. And why are you concerned about your slang for a cigarette?
Also, I think that just my state alone is larger than the entirety of Knifecrime Island.
12.17.09 at 1:33 pm
“your rappers are turning into women”
“you are a male chauvinist pig”
12.17.09 at 1:36 pm
Actually number 9 was you guys. Oh, and by the way, thanks for sending over all your religious freaks. That’s why our country is so fucking weird. Dicks.
Also, while I’m not a fan of American football, if rugby players hit/tackled as hard as our version half the field would be scattered with dudes laid out.
12.17.09 at 1:39 pm
Fooball hits vs Soccer Hits:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xAihGnnf9M
Fail less.
12.17.09 at 1:54 pm
Isn’t this just about every gripe that every European makes on every American-themed blog/video/website?
12.17.09 at 2:01 pm
Everything in that list is total horseshit except for the part about tipping. Tipping is massive bullshit, especially here in California where a bartender by law makes minimum wage.
12.17.09 at 2:30 pm
This is really bad.
12.17.09 at 2:31 pm
8. YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR COUNTRY
SO TRUE
It’s embarrassing, the rest of the world thinks we’re the uptight cousin from a small town.
12.17.09 at 2:34 pm
we pay taxes re: tip on shit and you don’t over there cos the tax is included in the shown price of your wares? now i know why i got funny looks in pubs.
12.17.09 at 2:40 pm
Holy shit, House is British: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaPxX-ks95Y
12.17.09 at 3:00 pm
Were missing whats important here:
British women or American women?
12.17.09 at 3:06 pm
this was funny. just the reactions and comments alone are fucking funny.
dork…. “knifecrime island”…..haha that shit is FUNNY
12.17.09 at 3:12 pm
i went to italy for school for a semester. My flight back to the states was out of london so my final stop on my trip was a boat from rotterdam to london. i was traveling with a mexican friend who for some reason looks really middle eastern. we got the biggest amount of shit ever from british customs. asking us how much money we had, how we knew each other, how long we were staying, did we have enough money, etc. etc.
i know our customs folks suck (especially coming in from canada with a joint in the car) but gah, the only other place i’ve had such shitty customs folks was germany, again with the mexican guy. come to think of it, maybe i should just never travel with that dude again.
12.17.09 at 3:13 pm
^^^^Ok I’ll give you that… British birds are roit mingers
12.17.09 at 3:13 pm
Wow, these comments are really harsh..I looked over at Platform and the Brits reacted the same to their equivalent article. Everyone needs to realise these are seriously sweeping generalizations, and calm the heck down!
12.17.09 at 3:14 pm
Evidently our humor bloggers are funnier than yours.
Also, that shit about football is ridiculous. Why don’t you import some NFL players into the Premier League, and then allow actual tackling (as opposed to “removing the ball from an opposing player’s possession without coming into contact with him,” which is how you currently define the term). There’d be ahalf dozen cripplings and maybe one death per game.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRPD9TY3caM&NR=1
12.17.09 at 3:17 pm
Most Europeans are absolutely terrified of Muslims or as they call them “Islams”
12.17.09 at 3:19 pm
Man I knew Americans would get all hurt by this piece.
It’s so funny to see everybody “get crazily red faced angry about it”
RELAX GRINGOS
12.17.09 at 3:26 pm
1. Oi yeis we can mate whoy ‘ud yew sai somefin loik ‘at yah fackin’ slag?
2. American football would indeed be even gnarlier sans pads. However, that doesn’t mean its British counterpart, rugby/soccer, is proven better by virtue of having no padding for their dudes. If you had the Pittsburgh Steelers play the best rugby club, East Brunswick Mutton Towers United, IN RUGBY, I gar on tee the Brits would get sandblasted into oblivion (although our guys would totally be too retarded to figure out the rules — what you roll the ball backwards on ‘hike’?) You think your rugby fags (whoops sorry you can’t say that, it’s meannnn) would fare alright in the Astrodome even with pads? They’d sack for 7 yards and then run the punt back for a touchdown? DREAM ONNNNNNNNNONONONN
3. Everyone thinks Fox News sucks you idiot.
4. Your rappers wear windbreakers and stab people for ‘quids’. At least Weezy spends literally all day thinking of clever play on words for how rich he is and how comfortable he is swimming in the pussy and/or money. And our beats are better! The quarter note triplet “WHommmm whom whom” dubstep bass is a one trick pony guys.
5. We tip because as an astute reader mentioned above, if you’re a bartender in any unreasonable state (i.e. not California) your ass gets like $2.50 an hour (same if you’re a waiter) because the states assume your wages will be mad garnished by aforementioned tip drills/ whistle tips. But you’re right, wow it’d be sweet if you didn’t have to tip though, save 6 dollars!!! Britain’s totally beter.
6. Our border guys certainly are totes mcgoats grade A psychos. What kind of chill, reasonable American (who isn’t born on a reservation) elects to work as Border Patrol? The same kind of fucking idiot asshole who decides to become a cop — somebody with a high school diploma, a childishly dialectical framework for characterizing the world (arrest bad guys!!) and thin penis, probably.
Bitch it’s lunchtime I’m drinking a Spaten and finishing later.
12.17.09 at 3:45 pm
Re: no. 6 — meant it to be rhetorical (NO chill reasonable fools choose that job) and then got mad at the pigs. Whoops. Oh yeah and Re: no. 4 — you can’t rhyme “in the bashment” with “in the bashment” you twats! In summation your rappers are incomprehensible and dumb, totally unlike our own.
12.17.09 at 3:50 pm
The British are a terrifying, violent people whose reserved cultural style is actually an adopted repression that allows them to live next to other British people without killing each other (in much the same way that Japanese manners and culture keeps their civilization from collapsing). There is a reason why the “sun never set on the British empire” and it mostly had to do with the British being out of their collective minds with repressed rage. Moral of the story: don’t piss off the Brits.
12.17.09 at 3:55 pm
My younger brother really loves soccer, I mean football. But you know what he loves even more? Sucking cock.
12.17.09 at 3:59 pm
I think I should be friends with Psychic Peen.
12.17.09 at 4:02 pm
He’s right. Muslims are really bad tippers when they visit bars.
12.17.09 at 4:06 pm
“everyone barged into their [Muslims'] countries they got pretty pissed off…”
Typical weepy British historical revisionism.
You haven’t the slightest grasp of the long, long history of Islamic imperialism. They’ve been chopping off heads and invading countries since the fucking religion’s inception. Everyone in the West is taught to feel guilty about the Crusades, when the truth is that the Crusades were a response to full-on Islamic aggression.
12.17.09 at 4:13 pm
I played American football for 8 years. The equipment functions more for weaponry than it does for protection. Think about it. The helmet and pads allow the players to hurl themselves with much more abandon than they would without pads. Do YOU want to get hit full speed by a 220 lb. man/human projectile who runs the 40 yard dash in 4.4 seconds while he’s wearing equipment that makes his body even harder than it already is? Some scientist once surmised that getting hit by Ronnie Lott possessed the same blunt force trauma as getting hit by a baseball bat swung by a major leaguer. Your ass would crumble.
12.17.09 at 4:21 pm
http://thereligionofpeace.com/
Those are easily the most bloodthirsty, psychopathic “Bible nerds” I’ve ever seen.
12.17.09 at 4:23 pm
And yeah, FUCK Fox News, especially since it’s the only major network that isn’t Jewish-owned.
12.17.09 at 4:25 pm
like CNN isn’t liberally slanted… silly brit don’t talk about things you don’t know. also the rapper you posted had like 40k views, and therefore is not popular. we have poor hood unpopular rappers too, at least fewer white people try (and fail) to rap on this side.
12.17.09 at 4:41 pm
Here’s a rebuttal, although I agree with many points…
a. British food is unbelievably bad. I mean food here in the midwest is garbage, but the food in England is downright disgusting. Have you ever heard of a vegetable? Note, a vegetable here does not mean a potato, pea or carrot necessarily. The “great” restaurant a native Londoner took me to were worse than a greasy spoon diner in Manhattan.
b. Your beer makes up for the food. It’s the best in the world, seriously. Every beer I ordered was different than the last and damn they were all better than any beer I’ve had in the states.
c. A cockney accent ruins a pretty girl as bad as being covered in bad tattoos.
d. Your bums are from Dickensian times and are complete and utter pussies. When it’s 60 degrees out, they shiver and say “it’s so cold, so COOOOOLD, please sir, could you spare a shilling so I could get a cup of tea?” When you laugh in their face they look mortally wounded. You need to be kicking their asses way more.
e. Your tv sucks ass. Top Gear is the best and Dr. Who’s aight, but the rest is shitty, whiny people complaining about being fat and lazy, which leads me to…
f. Your nation is the biggest bunch of whiners in the world. Could you be bigger boo hoo crybabies? I don’t think so. Half your nation is on the dole because they are too fat and/or lazy to leave their house. Then they get on tv and whine about how pitiful they are. One show had a woman crying literally tears about how her son’s xbox ate one of his games because the idiot kicked it while it was playing. She was balling “we got him this game for Christmas and a week after it’s busted. waaaaaah, I want microsoft to give me 10000 pounds.”
h. what’s up with all the fucking heavy ass coins? I was getting back problems from lugging around all the change I had there. Pounds suck, get the Euro already you idiots.
i. The buses in London are all driven by lunatics. Why are they trying to mow down every pedestrian on the street?
j. Your country’s tiny, like your penis envy of the US. You know why you can’t say “Americans are like this.” Because our country is so huge there is no one type of American. Yeah you got a few accents on your tiny island, but it’s so small I could walk across it in one day. It’s like one of our smallest states.
k. Your cops are pussies too. I saw a group of huge Russian guys openly smoking a joint as several groups of cops walked by. The cops nervously looked at the Russians and kept walking.
l. Soccer sucks. Sorry it’s real boring. I don’t like US Football that much, but it’s way better than your football. Don’t know how you convinced the rest of the world that it’s real cool, but it isn’t and we’re never going to be interested.
m.The big one: you are the fascist nanny state of the world. There are more cameras than citizens. You are bending over and dropping trou to your government like no other nation in the world save N. Korea. And even there it’s not as bad. You get told what to do by your government and just suck it up and don’t protest or anything. Do something about that instead of wasting your energies on soccer matches.
12.17.09 at 4:41 pm
wow im not a big fan orv the roastbeefs but there are some angry angry angry angry angry #8ers here.
also #11 what is your big deal with jew-hating? its a fucking culture where entrepreneurship is praised, are you jealous that the american dream doesnt match up to a community of rich connections? that basically amounts to “wah wah wah i want a free market but i dont want this guy to get a free market because he has a hooked nose”. americans are babies. but you’re my babies xx <3 xx
12.17.09 at 4:48 pm
…my farts are kinda smelly today
12.17.09 at 5:00 pm
some dude explained cockney to me when he was visiting our horrible horrible united states… it was like this.
“well, like for example, for beers, we say.. beers rhymes with spears… britney spears.. so we say, lets go get a couple of brits… makes sense, right?” uh…..
but it ACTUALLY sounded like this
“weww, loik fo exahmpuw, for beeos, we say… beeos whymes wiff speeos… bwitney speaos.. fo we fay, wets go ge’ a cuppow ov bwits…. makes sense, whight?”
blimey the british are FUCKING GAY!
oh, and loooow blow with the fox news thing, that’s all americans watch all day every day, 100% of us.
12.17.09 at 5:08 pm
and WHAT the fuck is up with the way you say “everything” you say “everyfing” what is that all about?
12.17.09 at 5:09 pm
Ok my shitty half hour lunch is over, tuna and beer are weird together.
7. Even though I’m American and have a 5 year old’s understanding of everything going on in the world, I know that you Brits have a simmering cauldron of animosity toward the Muslamiacs. Why wouldn’t you? They’re insanely intolerant and utterly convinced they’re right no matter what — that kind of person is fucking annoying and stupid. Just because it’s institutionalized doesn’t mean reasonable people who can sometimes humor other viewpoints have to put up with their violent and divisive bullshit. They’re just as annoying as evangelical Christians here but they kill people left and right every day — don’t pretend like you like these losers.
8. Certain contingents of macadamia American nuts are really, really into the USA. Most of us are kind of mad at it. We know it’s fundamentally an outrageous scam designed to keep people in their respective economic classes and that the banking elite are stealing the remainder of our money and resources before shit gets really tremendously bad in a few years, we know Obama’s a lame puppet orchestrating their plans behind the aegis of of “change” just like Bush did in the name of “freedom”, we know defense spending is the end and not the means, etc. The people who think Amuricans are their teammates are babies, but so are people who adore Britain. At least you guys have been on the same piece of land for dozens of generations sometimes.
9. Thanksgiving is the shit, you get to eat stuffing and motherfucking turkey and get wasted with your weird family. Why would you hate on extra holidays you scrooge ass grinch! I want a feast every month and I’m not even fat.
10. Americans are fucking disgusting about mailorder, we send our shit out really late and blame it on customs and the magnetic power of the American aura of might and power that will never waver and burn on for eternity and always.
12.17.09 at 5:40 pm
criminally unfunny
12.17.09 at 5:45 pm
also, what’s up with putting the day in front of the month when writing the date? that’s fucking gay.
12.17.09 at 5:46 pm
Wot? You twats still on about this?
SENSITIVE YANKS, EVERYBODY HATES THE LOT OF YOU.
12.17.09 at 5:54 pm
@Psychic Peen do you think you could email me at unesoiree2010@gmail.com ? Want to get your contact details about contributing to my magazine.
12.17.09 at 5:56 pm
^ actually it’s “evewyfing.” the british tooth won’t allow them to correctly put T and H together naturally. instead it comes out sounding like a fucking F. and by brotish tooth i mean colossally inbred background.
12.17.09 at 5:59 pm
^*BRITISH tooth
12.17.09 at 6:00 pm
Football is way cooler and more fun to watch than gay ass rugby or bitchass soccer. English humor sucks millions of dicks. I love muslims.
12.17.09 at 6:19 pm
Hi! Your vague offer interests me greatly, but unfortunately I am infinitely better and more viscerally astounding than any toilet paper magazine you could ever concoct for the rest of your days, no matter how many Edward Sharpe and Gaspar Noe interviews you snag.
I will not rest until the great and illustrious Vice magazine signs me to an elite $2 million dollar contract (ever heard of them? They’re kind of an Africa magazine that focuses on kids hopping around on trains and AIDS). And I’d rather puke from my dick onto my face than write for this jerk sesh of a site so go beat off into a mirror staring into your eyes and panting you assholes!
12.17.09 at 6:36 pm
You’re spot on about tipping. You say ’spot on’ over there, right?
12.17.09 at 6:46 pm
America is so fat it could swallow your little island whole. If we say jump you say how high.
12.17.09 at 7:05 pm
all this shit is bullshit. canada,us,uk are all pretty much the same. the differences are minor. now, mars, that place is different, trust me.
12.17.09 at 7:25 pm
robert forster is a cunt but I do like british people because they invented Jamaican people. also we tip bartenders here because we got it like that because we actually work unlike british people who are all lazy cunts on the dole.
12.17.09 at 7:51 pm
so…leave.
12.17.09 at 7:55 pm
man these guys are SO irate at this…
12.17.09 at 9:05 pm
Alright, football and Rugby are fucking badass and tough as fuck. This being said, the athletes are faster, bigger and stronger in American football. Oh and since when do Britts care if something is pussy? Y’all fucking started the whole cant smoke in bars shit, and you don’t drive and drunk. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nngQPvVHjJc
12.17.09 at 9:50 pm
we have bad TV? I get like 8 fucking news channels including the BBC. Fox news is one station that panders to a specific crowd, at least we don’t have like 4 government ran TV stations. Long story short, your government runs your TV. BBC is good for news though
12.17.09 at 9:55 pm
just looked at gavin’s post on platform, didn’t know he was such a racist (they really do love their muslams). i’m more likely to burn a flag than wave one but this steaming pile of regurgitated cliches made me proud to be an amurrican. bob, i know you’d rather smoke a fag than say fag, but you’re one unfunny fag (have you even spent more than two weeks here?).
12.17.09 at 11:01 pm
“Do YOU want to get hit full speed by a 220 lb. man/human projectile who runs the 40 yard dash in 4.4 seconds?”
Sorry Vanessa… if I had a fucking clue how much 220 lbs is, or how far 40 yards is, I’d answer your gay little question. And there are really people on here who think that soccer and rugby are the same sport? Fuck’s sake. American football (played nowhere else) is played by such super-atheletes that after playing for 7 seconds the WHOLE FUCKING TEAM has to swap round so the ‘roided-up diamond collectors can have a rest.
@ Chet Whitley: no, the government doesn’t run the TV. BBC is state funded but there have been numerous occasions where they’ve been lambasted (look it up) by the government for being overly critical.
12.17.09 at 11:02 pm
i played both rugby and football, vane$$a’s right
12.17.09 at 11:03 pm
UHHHHH, i don’t care much for Vanessa either, but if you don’t think there’s men in the NFL that weigh OVER 220 lbs and can run 40 yds. in 4.4. seconds, you don’t know shit
That’s why the whole American vs. British football thing is so stupid. One is played by abnormally strong and fast supermen drugged up w/ horse testosterone and have an average lifespan of 52 years (look it up), and the other is played by men named Nigel
12.17.09 at 11:36 pm
he’s right about the tshirts btw. customs my arsehole what are they made out of cocaine, gavin?
12.18.09 at 12:12 am
I’m not saying there aren’t Amurrican Footballahs who weigh 220lbs and can runs “the 40 yard dash in 4.4 seconds”. I’m saying I don’t know how much 220lbs is (we use stone in the UK) or how far 40 yards is (we use feet or metres).
12.18.09 at 12:21 am
maybe it’s just me, but i can’t take british rappers seriously. they might look as tough as american rappers but as soon as they open their mouths i would pee my pants laughing. just not tough with a british accent, sowwee.
12.18.09 at 1:56 am
# maurice del taco Says:
brits are afraid to say fag?
12.17.09 at 1:03 pm
Yeah, they have hate speech laws in the UK.
12.18.09 at 2:01 am
dizzee rascal is sick and has an ill-type psycho flow, he’s pro, so off to work he goes. tom penny fucking shreds. English Premier League is fun as fuck to watch (is it okay to support Chelsea?). Americans need to understand that EVERY SINGLE threat on goal could be THE GAME. it’s not about points, it’s about plays. and English women are sexier than they are given credit for. but, i also really love the U.S.A. too.
12.18.09 at 4:36 am
I suppose the person who wrote this hasn’t heard the atrocious American accents by Ewan McGregor or Jude Law.
12.18.09 at 5:53 am
Oh, their rappers may be perceived as tougher, which is a non-issue, but ours can actually rap. I mean, our rappers actually rhyme words and make sense, which is the foundation of MCing.
12.18.09 at 5:57 am
God bless Blighty! Americans, sigh, americans, will you ever learn?
No, because your all twats.
hehe!
12.18.09 at 7:58 am
Im not from either USA or the UK, but I’ll give you my impressions on both, as shared by the rest of the world who don’t speak english:
1) Americans are lazy fat religious hypocrites racist loudmouthed retarded pieces of shit. And the music is far worst than the UK’s.
2) British are violent affected classist inbred ugly unhealthy prissy repressed pieces of shite. And the women are far uglier than USA’s.
I’m not french, german, or from anywhere in Europe by the way. Nor Asia or Africa
12.18.09 at 8:07 am
I’m in the same exact boat at cochocha.
12.18.09 at 8:31 am
Hey Robert, newsflash: you’re at 6’s and 7’s, mate. Allow me to disabuse you of your ill-conceived notions:
#1: Terry Gilliam, Gwyneth Paltrow, Johnny Depp, Frances McDormand, Kevin Kline, Renee Zellweger, Meryl Streep, Reese Witherspoon…
#2: Please consult Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens #52 on Youtube. Sure, Rugby is tough, bloody and brutish. American Football is more so on all counts. To be fair, our name makes no sense and you guys are on point with, let’s see, the rest of the world in calling Football, Football. Soccer it ain’t. Real talk.
#3: Neither country has a lock on good OR bad TV. But, then again: The Wire, Six Feet Under, The Simpsons, 30 Rock, Sopranos, Chapelle Show. As Steven Colbert would say: Great TV or The Greatest TV? Again, respek’–PLENTY of phenomenal Brit shows too. And PLENTY of shyte. Just sayin’.
#4 Are you really pitting your gangta baddies against ours? Ninja, please. LA, Harlem, ATL, DC, Baltimore, Chi-town, Motor City… Thug Life fah real is out here, my son–and it’s not pretty. Melted toothbrushes in coucil estate alleyways are scary. Drive-bys, gang-hits, and mad gats up in your grill: scarier. Must I cite crime stats on this one, or will you yield, old bean?
#5 Don’t be cheap, dude. Kick ‘em a buck, it’s only 50p for you anyway. Bar wages in the States are a pittance relative to ‘Ole Blighty, and the bulk of the barman’s income is in tips. Where is bar/restaurant service consistently better–this side of the pond or that? Any plausible correlation there?
#6: Sorry you and your mate had that SNAFU with the ‘Migra, hombre. We’re working on it, OK? Dare I say we do a better job integrating our immigrants into society than you do over there? Too late, I just did.
#7: Keep ignoring the issue, Robert. Maybe it’ll go away. Maybe if we make ourselves less threatening and more supine and craven, they’ll just leave us alone. Like they did in July ‘05 the morning after I flew in to visit me mate in London and was thankfully sleeping off a wicked hangover from the pissnight out in Cutty Sark. Thanks, we Yanks won’t take our cues on foreign policy and national security from the likes of you. Meanwhile, thank you in earnest for Sir John Locke, Sir Edmund Burke and Sir Winston Churchill–their light still shines bright out here. Perhaps it’s you, Sir, who needs to rediscover the wisdom of your own forebears. Regarding your racism in America comment: Barack Obama, President of the United States. Please ring me when the UK elects its first Pakistani PM (or anyone “brown” as you so nobly and unracistly put it)… I’ll just wait here by the phone, shall I?
#8: You’ll never grasp this. Ever. Craig Ferguson does. American patriotism isn’t your run-of-the-mill standard nationalism as in most countries. It’s rooted in our common creed, a core belief (dare I say faith?) in freedom, capitalism and democracy. Tut tut tut, you say. I know, you’ve more sophisticated views on these matters. Then again, we’ve shed our blood to win our freedom from you. Then we shed our common blood together in defense of freedom against the Nazi and Japanese totalitarians. Pick up a history book that isn’t written by Howard Zinn or Noam Chomsky and you may approach what can be reasonably called a fair and accurate portrait of American history. I reccomend Sir Paul Johnson’s “A History Of The American People”–bonus as he’s one of yours too! For English history, should you care to know anything of it, please consult Sir John Keegan, and the aforementioned Winnie)
#9: Thanksgiving: quintessentially American. Yet again, you simply will never grasp this, and yet I strive to illuminate you. We are a grateful people. Grateful for our freedom, grateful for our country, grateful for the sacrifices of those who came before us. What are you grateful for? Oh yeah, your dick. That’s cool man.
#10: FedEx.
QED. Quod erat demonstrandum.
How’s that for a “rebuttle” Robert? (Or should I say “rebuttal”?)
12.18.09 at 10:16 am
the comments are hi-larious. y’all play right into his hands.
tongue and cheek, idiots. chill out.
12.18.09 at 11:30 am
“I’m saying I don’t know how much 220lbs is (we use stone in the UK) or how far 40 yards is (we use feet or metres).”
Just like a yard is a larger unit of measurement than a foot (1 yard = 3 feet), a stone is a larger unit of measurement than a pound (1 stone = 8 pounds) within the same system of measurement. Didn’t you invent this system?
12.18.09 at 11:38 am
the phrase is ‘tongue IN cheek’. god, i hate when people screw that up. dunno why.
12.18.09 at 2:57 pm
hahaha awesome -good rebuttal
12.18.09 at 3:07 pm
An Anonymous Sherman for President.
12.18.09 at 3:15 pm
All of this can be traced back to the basic problem that nobody wants to be British except Pakistanis.
12.18.09 at 5:02 pm
Also, you have got to do something in London about the bar curfew. You let the nanny state decide when it’s too late for beers, and then the streets just turn into a disgusting barf and piss fiesta because everybody chugs too much all at once in anticipation of the universal bedtime hour. But hey! At least you didn’t have to tip, amirite?
12.18.09 at 5:25 pm
Oh and to the U.S. doesn’t like brown people thing. What the fuck would you limeys know about fucking brown people? 90% of your fucking population is white as a fucking ghost. Maybe you aren’t threatened by black people because your tea-sucking culture has such a racket in the country. White people in this country are threatened by other races because they perceive their culture to be going down the tubes. Not saying its right, just saying its true. So for as much shit as you want to talk about racism, you really wouldn’t have a fucking clue. You have no grounds because you have no racial diversity. This is another reason why your sweeping generalizations are fucking stupid, there are over 300 million people in the U.S. and countless cultures, races, and ethnicities. The US is not a monolith like your country.
This brings me to another point. Don’t act like you know shit about the US. Our country is fucking huge, and the people diverse. Ive lived here my whole fucking life and don’t know shit about this country, its too complicated. Too many people who are different. That’s what makes America badass, you couldn’t make a little Americatown in another country because it wouldn’t reflect the country.
12.18.09 at 7:20 pm
British females are, on average, gross.
12.18.09 at 7:22 pm
More please, Brits! If this is the best you gots, we’ll just continue to outclass you at this snarky pissing match. I’m lovin’ it.
12.19.09 at 1:02 am
i am irish/canadian, and from toronto
so i got the uk, canada and the states in my back pocket
i dress well, am smart and down to earth, but i also can be an asshole
moral of this story…….i get alot of puss
12.19.09 at 2:08 am
“you’ve just never been big on guys with brown skin, have you?”
There hasn’t been a point in our history where we haven’t had more “guys with brown skin,” both in raw numbers, and as a quotient of the general population, than you have.
In other words, your “tolerance” has never really been tested like ours has.
England colonized and enslaved the entire world and used the Irish as punching bags for a thousand years…then, when their Empire has fallen from grace, they take the high road about “tolerance.”
12.19.09 at 7:27 am
No, it’s not okay to support Chelsea.
12.19.09 at 9:32 am
Yeah, Chelsea….. yawn. Spurs have been playing some nice football lately. Throwball (American football if you must) has it’s moments but they need to speed up the play clock to get things a bit more free flowing.
12.19.09 at 2:12 pm
Gavin’s not American.
12.19.09 at 8:57 pm
Number 8…was perfect.
American parochialism has always been laughable.
To defend it with ‘freedom’ and ‘democracy’ is sad like a retard trying to solve a puzzle. And shedding blood?! Lay off the history channel idiots. Americans have the martial history of a cow in india.
12.20.09 at 3:41 am
KarL…. Do you remember when you learned about the Irish. You act like when hate darkies…in reality, you don’t even like your own race.
12.20.09 at 6:53 am
If anyone can say anything smarter than “jim goad” this is what i said…….Oh and to the U.S. doesn’t like brown people thing. What the fuck would you limeys know about fucking brown people? 90% of your fucking population is white as a fucking ghost. Maybe you aren’t threatened by black people because your tea-sucking culture has such a racket in the country. White people in this country are threatened by other races because they perceive their culture to be going down the tubes. Not saying its right, just saying its true. So for as much shit as you want to talk about racism, you really wouldn’t have a fucking clue. You have no grounds because you have no racial diversity. This is another reason why your sweeping generalizations are fucking stupid, there are over 300 million people in the U.S. and countless cultures, races, and ethnicities. The US is not a monolith like your country.
This brings me to another point. Don’t act like you know shit about the US. Our country is fucking huge, and the people diverse. Ive lived here my whole fucking life and don’t know shit about this country, its too complicated. Too many people who are different. That’s what makes America badass, you couldn’t make a little Americatown in another country because it wouldn’t reflect the country.
this is what a white guy from Portland said
you’ve just never been big on guys with brown skin, have you?”
There hasn’t been a point in our history where we haven’t had more “guys with brown skin,” both in raw numbers, and as a quotient of the general population, than you have.
In other words, your “tolerance” has never really been tested like ours has.
England colonized and enslaved the entire world and used the Irish as punching bags for a thousand years…then, when their Empire has fallen from grace, they take the high road about “tolerance.”
12.20.09 at 6:58 am
great observations
12.20.09 at 10:40 am
‘the reason we dont do your accents convincingly is because, as usual, we could give a fuck about convincing you of anything. also, tipping is courtesy. you dont have to do it, i know i dont. UK rap? AHA no thanks. American football is for pussies huh? I invite you to be a defensive lineman for 5 minutes. hell, even a wide reciever or something. those boys would rip your fucking face off and leave you for dead you monty python son of a bitch’
AMERICA – FUCK YEAH !
12.20.09 at 11:54 am
what’s a wide receiver ? sounds gay
12.20.09 at 11:55 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=il8dXEfXerc&feature=related
uk hip hop aggro
12.20.09 at 3:09 pm
not nearly as gay as the tight end
12.20.09 at 3:42 pm
cochocha Says: 1) Americans are lazy fat religious hypocrites racist loudmouthed retarded pieces of shit. And the music is far worst than the UK’s.
Is the music from the U.S far “worst” than the music from your country?
12.20.09 at 3:54 pm
Cococha clearly cannot spell “wurst”. Laughable, considering the deliciousness and widespread popularity of the Bratwurst.
12.21.09 at 6:29 am
Americans, you elected George Bush. Twice. I know it was only 50% percent of you, but that unequivocally makes you the stupidest people on the planet, regardless of landing on the moon, Ryan McGinley, and Liars.
As for English people, you are an anachronistic bunch of arrogant, yet limp-dicked boarding school homos. The south of London is a post-apocalyptic movie and your undignified class system is still very much a reality.
Chinese people are pissy, unhygienic megalomaniacs.
French people are misognystic, smelly, surrender monkeys.
Did I forget anyone?
12.21.09 at 7:50 am
Oh yeah, I’m Danish; we’re essentially racist village idiots who just failed the entire human species at The International Climate, conference by making sure that the agreement became a joke thus making sure that our great grandchildren will have three heads, and four balls that they have to wash in acid rain collected from the roof of their shanty town house.
12.21.09 at 8:03 am
In all honesty, my toughest experiences with customs officials have been coming to and leaving from London Heathrow. Not sure if it was just bad luck, but I’d far rather deal with ‘Merican border police than the Brits. You guys have seriously become paranoid since that whole transit bombing thing.
12.21.09 at 4:17 pm
I stopped reading comments at this:
Knifecrime Island. ahahahahahahahahahaha fuckinga
12.22.09 at 4:18 am
@ Beef: Music from my country sucks dick. But that wasn’t the point. Thing is, music from the UK is far “bester” because esentially they haven’t invented shit culture, or marketing or haven’t turn everything into Coca Cola thus making popular culture a hopeless void of nothing.
12.22.09 at 9:33 am
writer of this list: You are naive. also, you’re just jealous of Thanksgiving, also that is NOT what happened on the first Thanksgiving.
01.05.10 at 7:47 pm
this is acually really funny that grown ‘adults’ are sat bickering through a screen over which country is the best !!
we all know england and usa are the top 2 countries anyway
… we love ourselves … but each have faults and fucking idiots living in them !!!
if we met americans here we’d all be like “wow your all american and stuff!! thats totallly aweeesooommmeee !!!” and if you met brits over there you’d be like “oh your british thats cool you drink tea and eat scones !”
theres a lot more fucked up unruley countries out there that DESERVE to be hated on !!!!!!! so just take a deep breathhhh, smile and BE POSITIVE !!
p.s. i fucking hate your stupid teen disney twats/stars!
sorry i had too !!
07.26.10 at 10:36 pm
How can you say our TV sucks in America, you realize the British invented all this reality show shit don’t you. These horrible fuckin big brother/celebrity big brother/celebrity gangbang shows wouldn’t even exist if it wasn’t for you limeys. And while I’m at it what the fuck is a stone? What a retarded unit of measurement.
09.17.10 at 10:06 am