There really aren’t that many motivators on this planet:
Money
Pussy
Fame
Love
Drugs
Power
Religion
The list has grown with human advancement, but will remain stagnant until FOOD, WATER, and SHELTER return to it in 2012.
How abstract a concept like “Fame” or “Religion” seems against the original set of human needs, which merely dictated that we eat, stay out of the rain, and stick our dicks into a bunch of shit.
I’m not one to talk — any jerkoff who writes or paints or makes movies has a certain amount of “ooooh look at me!” — a spark of famelust that a good Christian God would punish with an anal spike of fire.
Fortunately, I’m in good company — even history’s most worshiped darlings were motivated by the sketchy shit listed above. Go on, who’s your fave? Obama? I love him dearly, especially in these troubled times, but no one can deny that he got into the game for props and power.
Who else — Gandhi? Messiah Jesus H. Christ? Selflessness may have been the hallmark of their brands, but you gotta figure that at least when they were first coming up, they had to put forth a little hustle in order to get noticed:
Let’s say that some lesser contemporary had ripped off these guys’ ideas and tried to pass them off as their own — Jesus and Gandhi would have been pissed! There had to have been a twinge of pride to at least motivate them to get recognition for the shit they were doing — if someone stepped to them Salieri style, you better believe that in lieu of an intellectual property framework, they’d have stood atop the mount and cried NIGGA STOLE MY JOINTS!
And those are the best of us — for the worst of us, fuggedaboutit; Ashley Todd, the Virginia Tech shooter, and Vane$$a — the sickest among us will do literally anything to get their 15 minutes.
Remember that fame addicts are ADDICTS — just like religious nuts and heroin users.
Like other addicts, Fame Junkies are split into different levels of depravity. The least depraved are extroverts who poison their own lives and relationships to achieve fame; at the bottom of the barrel though, are the Joe Jacksons, the Octomoms, The Kate Gosselin’s, and the Richard Halles — the people who pimp out their kids to get their fix.
These people are the CRACKHEADS, the smack-junkies of famelust: If these guys were sex addicts, they wouldn’t just be pervs sneaking a wank in their employers’ restrooms — they’d be the guys ADDICTED TO BAREBACK ASS-TO-MOUTH WITH HEPATITIS WHORES.
Of all the things you can do on Earth, pimping out your kids is on a special level of gross.
Ironically, all parents do it to a certain extent — I’ll let Gavin or Ty or Benjamin tackle that one on mydadhomies — but here’s a rough list in ascending order of horror:
1) Casual users: Dads showing off their kids’ ability to memorize the alphabet and facts and shit
2) Little league dads
3) Spelling bee dads
4) Child star dads
5) Beauty pageant dads
6) Reality show parents
7) Hoax dads (new!)
Hoax dads and Reality Show parents are obviously the worst because they aren’t even ostensibly nourishing a child’s skill — it’s quite base and irrelevant to their children’s attributes — much more like a guy who uses his dog to meet girls and get laid.
But here’s the million dollar question: Some of these kids are forced to grow up in pretty psychotic situations — they have to deal with cameras in their face when they vomit and cry, or be forced to hide in an attic and lie to police — that’s gotta fuck them up for life …
So WHEN exactly should the government step in and actually take these kids away?
First of all, I could never be in charge of this shit, because seeing Sophie’s Choice fucked me up for life. It’s the one movie I truly wish I could un-see. Each time I think of the Nazis taking that little screaming girl away I buckle — if I was in charge of taking kids away from parents I would fail …
OK OK OK, don’t cry — who’s your daddy, Charles Mason? Aight, if you wanna stay with him you cou stay with him but BE GOOD.
Emotions aside, I think I can be analytical enough in this academic context to make the following determination:
Taking kids away from their parents does an enormous amount of damage to a child — let’s say 9 (nine) out of 10 possible damage points: It rips them away from the only thing they know, destroys their lives, puts them into the nightmare world of the Annie Orphanage, and usually makes them end up getting abused, running away, and fucking Ron Jeremy.
NINE out of ten damage.
THEREFORE, in order to be justified in taking kids away from their parents, their parents must be doing damage of 10 (ten) out of 10 – this pretty much only includes sexual and real physical abuse.
By these rules, even Jon Benet Ramsey herself should not have been taken away from her parents; Lisa Steinberg should have.
So Balloon Boy gets to stay — instead of the stark fist of removal, I’d prescribe the following punishment for the Balloon Boy Family: Community Service working with blacks and — whadda they got in Colorodo? Mexicans I guess, or Feather Indians like Gavin’s broad — to understand how UNABSTRACT needs like money and food still rule most of our society.
They should understand what a scumbag move their parents made, and since they’ve got all that spare time to make faggot jiffy-pop hovercrafts, they should instead be forced to spend their weekends as a family, helping people with REAL problems and driven by CORE motivators much closer to our reptilian brainstems.
I sentence them to these Good Works — that’ll not only bring their balloon back down to earth, it’ll cause them to have a healthy American resentment and anger toward their parents.
Saved ‘em just in time — those little dickheads were having too much fun.
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
Bad Behavior has blocked 4410 access attempts in the last 7 days.
Yo, B. Can you hook me up with a dime bag of that faaaaaaaaaame?!
Oh yeah, Ashley Todd. Those were the days…back when when though Obama would actually make a “good” president rather than just a black one.
10.21.09 at 12:09 pm
beauty pageant dads do 11 out of 10 damage.
10.21.09 at 12:14 pm
Know why streetboners sucks? Cause you don’t have bn posting every day. This was EPIC
10.21.09 at 12:29 pm
Title image kills, and yeah it’s a good post.
The problem is this – you shouldn’t visualize the orphanage from Annie as the only viable option. There are plenty of foster care environments that yes, would be a healthier place to grow up than with Balloon Boy’s weather chasing psychopath parents.
Just watch, these kids will be removed from that home, and yeah that’s a good thing.
10.21.09 at 12:37 pm
you for got the dad that lives on your block but strolls by like he don’t know you on foodstamp day. how many hitpoints does that motherfucker roll?
10.21.09 at 12:42 pm
Why you gotta pick on Feather Indians?
10.21.09 at 12:45 pm
again, Derek, the probblem with USA is the parrents do not lockhold with goverrnment for how the parenting of childrren.
In 3-4 gennerations ALL America will be mentelly retarrd because parrents do not know basic patterne and philosopies of rearing childrren like PRC.
That is why the federral Govrenment of USA must post “Homeland Secrity” warning against the varios fathers.
Shame on Americas!
from Preck!
10.21.09 at 12:57 pm
ET! ET! Phone home.
Daddy? Daddy?!
Did you see me on 60 Minutes? Do you love me? Daddy?
10.21.09 at 12:58 pm
Right-ON ma-Nig
10.21.09 at 1:01 pm
“In 3-4 gennerations ALL America will be mentelly retarrd”
Personal opinion or personal experience? Wow, public school pissed all over you.
10.21.09 at 1:02 pm
BN,
You unretired to write this? PSHAW!
10.21.09 at 1:23 pm
They should have to work with butch, leather gays for the anti-gay hip-hop viddy they did. Since the dad undoubtedly wrote the song, or at least approved of it, he is probably homophobic, thereby latently gay himself.
10.21.09 at 1:40 pm
I mean, look at that fucking haircut – calling Hugh Grant 1992!
10.21.09 at 1:41 pm
i can’t say k l o n o p i n either? that’s fucked man.
10.21.09 at 1:43 pm
x a n a x? really? no x a n a x?
10.21.09 at 1:44 pm
v i c o d i n. i just don’t relate to you guys anymore.
10.21.09 at 1:46 pm
This was great.
Well Vanessa, you’re really doing wonders to refute the idea tht you live for attention.
10.21.09 at 2:04 pm
holy shit, i just found the name for my new j-pop influenced black sludge metal band
” faggot jiffy-pop hovercrafts ”
thanks.
10.21.09 at 2:07 pm
Who’s Charles Mason?
10.21.09 at 2:14 pm
Well done.
10.21.09 at 2:23 pm
‘faggot jiffy-pop hovercrafts’, heheheh. nice work on that graphic too, that’s sharp.
10.21.09 at 2:55 pm
As a former Coloradan, sending these folks over to the res to hang out with the rest of the “Lakota Sioux” will only serve to teach young falcon the merits of drinking listerine and hanging out by the 7-11 in Boulder. I like the Mexican idea the best, as they are the only people who work an honest day in the entire state of Colorado.
10.21.09 at 3:00 pm
I keep saying, kids should all be swapped at the hospital– you’ll never know what you’ll take home!
10.21.09 at 3:04 pm
PS WTF Vane$$a? I missed all that drama. Reading the post now.
10.21.09 at 3:04 pm
Don’t mention the Stark Fist of Removal in my presence again. yall always rippin somenigga off
10.21.09 at 3:42 pm
Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t realize that there’s an article accompanying this message board. I’ll try to fit it in some time next week.
10.21.09 at 3:45 pm
heehee look at cunte$$a’s self conscious thread. he makes a joke which no one admires him for and then had a secret punchline in mind. When no one calls him on the joke he tells the punchline anyway…
Here van I’ll help cause I feel bad fo you. Everybody pretend this comment was right after vanessas v I c o din comment flood. K, ready?……
Hey Vanessa! Your comments didn’t have anything to do with the post!! And what’s all this talk about being censored?! (okay, now go, say it! Your turn to do the joke…) go!
10.21.09 at 3:59 pm
wow. just wow. and greatest BN lead off pic ever, the ET moon makes, pushes it over teh top.
10.21.09 at 4:01 pm
No, seriously. When I spell the name of a scrip med correctly in a comment, the comment doesn’t post. Chill the fuck out. I’m a junkie or something. What the fuck happened to me? I bet you wanted this to happen to me! HELP.
10.21.09 at 4:05 pm
Blognigger posts are like an episode of South Park. Riotous non-PC fun, tempered at the end with a moral or burst of common sense. Yay for BN.
10.21.09 at 4:53 pm
@ DORK
That haircut is a marketing tool… You’ll notice that it’s the same shape as the Balloon.
CROSS PROMOTION – He’s a marketing genius.
10.21.09 at 5:02 pm
He’s SOME kind of genius, I’ll give you that!
10.21.09 at 5:25 pm
Your writing a couple years ago was not nearly this good. You’ve come into your own, and I have to give you credit. You can still be a whiny cock, but I’m proud of you.
10.21.09 at 6:33 pm
ralfnigger
10.21.09 at 6:35 pm
OVER-RATED
10.21.09 at 6:57 pm
Casual dads won’t fuck you up! Harrharaha
Mine was “the stranger that lived in our house”.
I have daddy issues. That’s why songs like Grizzly Bears: “He Ignored Me and It Felt Like a Kiss” really resonate.
10.21.09 at 7:50 pm
Re: CAUSAL DADS
We all know you’re a Jew but it’s really worth the extra bucks to shell out for Microsoft Word and its quality spell-check software. It is high time to kick ClarisWorks to the curb.
10.21.09 at 8:04 pm
Why you gotta reduce our lives in this crazy world to an unending cycle of need-fulfilling, hagh? People have emotional needs and drives that aren’t entirely grounded in a biologically oriented, necessity based framework for living life — but does that invalidate them outright? Maybe it makes them retarded, but we all know %690 of people base almost all their decisions not on rational consideration of pluses vs. minuses but on whimsical, unpredictable emotional flights of fancy. Moreover, our krazy kapitalist kulture orients EVERYTHING toward promoting that attitude — “I have a weird emotional need to assert my sense of identity and individuality (which shit like the media instilled in me at least to some degree), which I’ll interpret through the lens of buying things that represent to others that unique personality.” Isn’t everybody guilty of Balloon Dadaism to some extent, only this guy had the balls to really put his shit out on a limb and get famous from it?
CMON Let the dreamers dream MAN!! If he didn’t pull this once-in-a-lifetime movie moment move he’d still be some asshole nobody’s ever heard of in some gay state and would most likely die that way. Now he got to touch the lives of millions of people worldwide, all without hurting or entrancing anybody, he rules and anybody who hates him probably just still has an excruciating boner over Jon Benet and/or this guy’s kid.
10.21.09 at 9:19 pm
I agree wit cha BN. There was a thread on an online Parenting group how it’s probably better for a girl to stay with her parents after they had her clit removed than to put her into the system and screw her up for life.
10.21.09 at 9:19 pm
bn is thebestthebestthebest
10.21.09 at 10:21 pm
@ streetbummers: Another common variety of inductive reasoning is concerned with establishing the presence of causal relationships among events.
Causal dad = the guy who knocked up one’s mother. Sorry, YOUR mother.
Word® still thinks that shit is spelled rite, nga.
10.21.09 at 10:27 pm
What about parents who indoctrinate their children with religious propaganda? To me, there’s no difference between psychologically abusing your child and raising them to be a strict muslim, christian, jew, etc. The worst is when people ask kids what their religion is… How can you expect someone with such a nascent worldview to have any meaningful opinion about religion? It would be like asking a 4 year old if they’re a democrat or a republican.
Hopefully people will someday see religious indoctrination of children for what it really is… Child abuse.
10.27.09 at 10:18 am