The last confirmed sighting of the bearded wonder was in the nowheresville mountains of Tora Bora, and since that day I’ve often wondered where the fuck could he have gone? At the time I figured the mysterious gringos in turbans, aviators and fake beards would be all over his ass like Warren Oates in Bring Me The head of Alfredo Garcia. After all Bush promised to smoke him out dead or alive. Wrong.
Then I thought fame and fortune alone would drive knuckle-draggers like Dog The Bounty Hunter or Aukai Collins to storm a few mud walled compounds Talibanistan. Or that the world’s worst– Hindu nationalists, MS-13, Mungikis, Naša Stvar or even our own Aryan Brothers might join ranks to take a stab at the glory of owning OBL’s head. Wrong again.
Then it hit me while studying Gavin’s boxing technique: We needed smart guys. Look, Gavin is scary, but it ain’t the telegraphed and pillowy left hooks that keep you off-balance, it’s the verbal daggers that lay you out; the unending assault that comes from his brain, not the delicate caress of his punches. So when you are up against a formidable question like Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?, or in this case OBL, you don’t want brawn you want brains. Nerd brains to be exact. And presto! just like that a couple of geography professors at UCLA produced an academic paper titled: Finding Osama bin Laden: An Application of Biogeographic Theories and Satellite Imagery.
It’s a bit of a dry read but fucking fascinating as it pinpoints three specific compounds as OBL’s likely hide-a-way. Sometimes, I just wanna thank my lucky stars for the Elites in my life, and someone would now pass these coordinates on to their local thug-and-crossbones clubhouse I would appreciate it. This recession is getting depressing.
No sleep til Kurram!
[Ed Note: Why didn't he mention this is a Morgan Spurlock film?]
Leave a Reply
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
Bad Behavior has blocked 4415 access attempts in the last 7 days.
It really is one of the great Houdini acts in the history of the world. He needs a Vegas show. We’re so worried about Big Brother but if the ‘know-it-alls’ can’t find Osama in the most intense manhunt ever assembled need we be concerned?
02.19.09 at 11:55 am
He wasn’t even involved in 9/11. He’s probably dead, he was suffering from a major illness eight years ago. Don’t believe everything you see on CNN. The Bush’s and the Bin Laden’s have ties that go way back. This is bigger than you or me, we don’t even know the real fact’s about any of this.
02.19.09 at 11:56 am
only one seed of lie here: “gavin is scary”… right buddy…
02.19.09 at 12:02 pm
For money I will go get him tomorrow.
02.19.09 at 12:06 pm
Boca time share.
02.19.09 at 12:09 pm
Aukai Collins, that dude is nutty.
Um, Osama is the tribal areas of Pakistan and Afghanistan. Don’t know why that’s so hard to believe.
02.19.09 at 12:15 pm
Come on these guys are just grasping at straws. They’re geographers for crying out loud. What do they know about hunting and gathering? That is anthropolgy.
Could someone please check with Taeil or the BlogNigger about the difficulty of tracking and killing in the dusty hinterlands. I have feeling Trace has lived his whole life in the lapdance of luxury.
02.19.09 at 12:21 pm
Shit, sorry guys I totally spaced Morgan Spurlock made a movie about not finding OBL.
http://www.whereisobl.com/site/#/videos/
02.19.09 at 12:28 pm
If boxing is the sweet science then what is geography? Plus, I would love to see Gavin in a boxing ring even if he had to fight another scientist.
02.19.09 at 12:37 pm
“So when you are up against a formidable question like Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?, or in this case OBL, you don’t want brawn you want brains.”
This sentence is punctuated incorrectly, it should look like this:
“So when you are up against a formidable question like Where in the World is Carmen San Diego (or in this case OBL)? You don’t want brawn, you want brains.”
02.19.09 at 12:47 pm
uhhhhhh, no… it should read: “So when you are up against a formidable question like ‘Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?’ (or in this case OBL), you don’t want brawn; you want brains.
get your shit straight bitch
02.19.09 at 2:05 pm
I’m hiding out where you’ll never find me: your mom’s pussy. Ha!
02.19.09 at 2:11 pm
No but seriously, Trace’s mom totes let me take a trip up the Hersey Highway,if you know what i’m sayin. ( i’m saying I butt fucked her.)
02.19.09 at 2:15 pm
twice
02.19.09 at 2:17 pm
Now i call my dick “A weapon of ass destruction.”
02.19.09 at 2:37 pm
Where is the footage of Gavin getting knocked unconscious while boxing the MMA guy?
02.19.09 at 4:40 pm
my godfather, rest his dear soul, used to pronounce it bye-LAYdin. he would say things like “that bye-LAYdin is in trouble now that president bush is looking for him” and my godmother would shake her head and chime in with “i hope the coloreds don’t start moving into the neighborhood because of this.” then my cousin would scream “THEY’RE CALLED BLACKS! STOP SAYING COLOREDS, YOU SOUND RACIST!”
then we would all settle in for a nice dinner.
02.19.09 at 9:22 pm
^ my grandpa calls black guys “sun tan boys.” he also maintains that muslims are buried standing up.
02.19.09 at 9:51 pm
ummmm……that deathbreath up there isnt me. I promise you my halitosis is much more lethal.
oh, and Osama bin Laden, you just made me laugh out loud.
02.19.09 at 10:30 pm
Bin Laden in chillin in Hawaii sippin piña coladas.
02.20.09 at 1:34 am
yeah OBL had me lol too, fuck!
02.20.09 at 3:28 am
YUK. Unabashed tongue smooching of Gavin’s asshole is a major turn-off, Crutchfield. You just lost me.
02.20.09 at 9:58 am
Nasa Stvar! Big ups to the Serbian Mafia.
02.20.09 at 3:44 pm
Click my name to find out what Bin Laden’s up to.
02.20.09 at 10:50 pm