Last Monday 100,000 copies of a fake New York Post were handed out to unsuspecting New Yorkers. Of course, once we looked at the thing we assumed it was the last ditch effort of some activist group before yesterday’s U.N. climate change summit.
MARTY WHITE, 63, MUNICH, GERMANY
Be careful not to step there young man. A brunette in a purple dress left half her brain there while she was walking her husband on a leash. You don’t want it all over your shoes.
Where have you been all day? Did you get a flimsy “special edition” NY Post last Monday, too?
Oh, yes. I didn’t believe a word. But look! The dog and the brunette in the purple dress—they’re married! I love it. She had the dog’s puppies. I know what kind of a comic book to draw now. I know—when she squats she leaves her husband’s brains there [laughs].
Wow.
I’m not a panhandler, I’m an activist. See, I draw cartoons of what I’m talking about. See, there’s me talking to John the Panhandler, having a newsstand. I’ll let you read this [hands over wads of paper], and I’ll let you see this. This one is about the guy who was making noise when I was trying to sleep. I said, “Go join your mentally ill grandmother in hell you mentally ill smurf. (In German, a smurf grows up to be a devil. You can raise a brat to be a good alter boy, or a good boy scout.) And then he came back and threatened to start a fight so I drew him in hell with his great-grandmother and his great-great-grandmother, too.
See? This should tell you I’m not one of the stereotypes of bums. You see what all that says? I send all these to newspapers. You see all my receipts from the post office? How big it is? International, too. I go to libraries to get the lists of a city’s newspapers and then I send them my cartoons.
What else can you show me?
Here’s the Battle of Hastings:
Oh my God.
Another one: a punk bragging. He says, “What are you doing on the sidewalk?” I say, “Hey, what are you doing out here on planet Earth?” He says, “I’m rich, you’re poor. I have a house, you’re on the street.” I say, “If that’s true, dumm kampf, how come one of our Euros is worth four of your dollars? How come you’re losing two wars? You won’t even have a country much longer. My loved ones in the Fatherland are doing much better than you could ever hope to. He got so mad he threw a coat-hanger at me and told me to shut up. Instead of shutting up I drew the cartoon. Talk to Adele. She’s no candy-ass.
ADELE WATTS, 85, LOWER EAST SIDE
Have you followed the global warming debate? Do you worry about all the cars melting the polar ice caps?
They should start cutting down on the number of the cars. That’s why it’s so hot.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Did you hear about the Yes Men, an activist group, that made the fake papers?
Well, that ain’t right. First, you gotta ask the person if they want to do it. If the person says no, they don’t want to do it, you have to ask why. Like an interview.
Exactly. I asked your permission and you said yes.
Yeah. If you had just taken my picture, I would have gotten mad. Some of the people here were arrested and everything. That’s why they don’t want their pictures taken.
Because they had been arrested for being activists like the Yes Men and Marty?
That’s not my business. It’s theirs. My business is a different thing.
WASTE OF SPACE, HALF HOUR, NOHO
Hey! What have you got for us you stinking pile of fucking garbage?
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what a new york pile of shit you are.
09.23.09 at 5:58 pm
Dude thanks a lot. The country is going to shit and all you and this shit-eating Canadian can do with your independent media site is interview bums on the key issues.
09.23.09 at 6:01 pm
Never thought I’d see the day… blognigger is the only thing worth reading on this horrible hasbeen site
09.23.09 at 6:02 pm
@internet hate
i’ll take that challenge.
09.23.09 at 6:13 pm
Vice needs to do a special on Marty boy there.
09.23.09 at 6:22 pm
This is entertaining. You gotta respect Madsen because he’s out there workin’ the streets everyday like a real Irish hustler. I hope Gavin plans to give him a bigger X-mas bonus than any of those other (lazy ass) kids he has working for him. Balls to your hatred.
09.23.09 at 6:23 pm
Pile of garbage, why don’t you ever address the issues!? Answer me, dammit!
09.23.09 at 7:38 pm
I like that the age of the pile of garbage is “half hour.”
09.23.09 at 8:22 pm
Peter, I love this column and think it’s going great but what is with that joke at the end? You sound like a Greek immigrant trying to be funny, or a child. Stick to the facts.
09.23.09 at 8:28 pm
From Peter Madsen via email…
Gavin,
What’s wrong with the joke? Arv thought it was funny. Three subjects a day was the agreement and I wanted to give Marty more than a third because he was so random. I biked a total of 25 miles today because I went up to Forest Hills only to find there was nobody around. Bust. It was getting late in the day by the time I found Marty and Adele in LES. Additionally, I tacked the joke at the end because I distrust over-earnestness and I think it off-sets any that may be found in the first two interviews. Do you think the joke was too mean-spirited? I’ve known hilarious Greeks. I’m all about talking how the column should evolve but please–no tisk-tisks in the comments. Send me an email next time and let’s hash it out.
-Peter
Dear Peter,
For the record, Arvind is not exactly Dragonslayer when it comes to riffs. He is an 18th Century fop in a hipster Paki shell. Yes, sometimes he accidentally cracks us up but do not go to him for comedy tips. Stick to me and Derrick for that. Nobody else.
Here is a video of Arvind’s soul…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQx4qiEmRQ4
Sincerely
Me
09.23.09 at 9:41 pm
Gavin, I think you should be careful when comparing people to old white guys with curly mustaches….
ZAP!
09.23.09 at 9:46 pm
@Gavin: Please, I’m not the old white man with a curly mustache inviting twenty year old boys to his summer house.
09.23.09 at 9:47 pm
From Gavin to me and Arvind via email:
you served me
09.23.09 at 9:53 pm
^^^
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Now you guys virtually talking is something good!
09.23.09 at 10:17 pm
the banter is very is endearing.
09.24.09 at 12:19 am
I thought the garbage joke was pretty funny
09.24.09 at 1:08 am
marty should do a colabo with vans
09.24.09 at 10:03 pm
[...] [FAR RIGHT] MARTIN WHITE*, 63, MUNICH, GERMANY [...]
10.09.09 at 7:02 pm