About 5 years ago I started drinking coffee every morning before work so that I could evacuate my bowels properly from the safety of my home.
It is absolutely impossible for me to shit at work, since the nature of my business demands that I share a work facility with 15 to 20 shameless delivery blacks and dominicans who smell horrendous and do not care about whether they know how to aim into a toilet.
The bathroom at work is a warzone – it’s a hostile environment and a quality of life issue for me, so I will not shit at work.
Well one recent morning I was sipping my coffee at home and waiting for action jackson to get busy. Usually I need about 10 minutes of reading the online news with coffee and a cigarette and all at once it hits me like a ton of spicks.
But on that morning my wife comes into the kitchen and says
What the hell are you doing?? Get the kid to school it’s ten of eight
And I say
WAIT, this is important.
I get up slowly and deliberately to stake my claim as the ruler of all that I survey, but she has already shaken me, and I feel my bowels tighten. If you think that women do this by accident you haven’t been married long enough to know.
So I stand up and there it is! I feel the canoe starting to dislodge from the little colon dock. I toggle my inside valve carefully back and forth to test the velocity of the dungmissle; it’s good to go and cleared for takeoff. I walk to the bathroom, 45 steps or so, sit down on the toilet, and nothing happens – it’s totally stuck and fail.
I was enraged.
I got up and started yelling at my wife about something else because she never responds well to honesty.
Then I started walking around the house like a lunatic and drinking more coffee. All of the sudden, I felt the canoe dislodge. I did a basic valve test for resistance, and AGAIN detected thermal readiness.
I walked around a bit more, realizing that maybe that was helping – a few more steps and it felt like I was asspreganant – I had a heavy and full and urgent payload.
It was too much to risk sitting down and losing it again: being a scientist, I decided to harness the power of this natural standing velocity – convention be DAMNED:
I approached the toilet, package seething, lifted the lid, and straddled it, STANDING, taint over the target with my back facing the toilet.
Then all at once, I opened my valve to 100% like a fucking gallows at showtime. It’s HARD to do this at first – you have been TRAINED since you were two years old not to – you’re going against decades of motor muscle memory which knows NEVER to open this valve all the way unless you’re seated on a toilet.
For example: Try to shit in your pants right now. Or piss even. Go ahead, this is america, you can change your underwear whenever you want…
Can’t do it, right? It’s like jumping off a building – your cerebral cortex overrides your conscious attempt and just won’t let you go.
Well, I DID IT, released to 100%, and the longmissle launched and fell with gravity whole hog into the toilet water; SPLASH! straight and true, like the big black greg lugainis with aids. I have never felt so wholly evacuated; I lost weight.
I am like the thomas edison of shitting with my little brown, peanuty Watson – I’m a genius.
I got to work and started using the google to investigate whether other fags have tried the same shit – little did I know there’s a whole fucking MOVEMENT.
To summarize, it turns out that these are the disadvantages to sitting down on the toilet while you shit:
a) You get cancer
b) You can’t shit all the way – a little bit of doody always stays (didn’t you know this instinctively?? You can feel it, right?)
c) You get hemorrhoids
c) You die from it
d) Your kids get shit-autism
Here’s why we shit on toilets:
a) The white man in Elizabethan times wanted us to, but they fucked that up too.
You should dump standing up!
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i squat on the bowl to dump. good balance is key. very oriental and works like a lucky charm in any setting.
03.27.09 at 9:42 am
Easily funniest blognigger post in existence
03.27.09 at 9:44 am
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa incredible. maybe i wont kill myself today thank you streetboners
03.27.09 at 9:49 am
I’ve actually been convinced for years that the people at Metamucil invented the sitting method.
03.27.09 at 9:52 am
Oh, I almost forgot, 2, what else?
03.27.09 at 9:53 am
we’ll see..in 30 minutes..
03.27.09 at 9:54 am
Jesus, dude. Blognigger please! Ever hear that thing the kids say nowadays? TMI?
I know more about your shitting habits than I do my wife’s.
Which reminds me. We were on tour a bunch of years back and found that we were in the middle of no-fucking-where and no more TP on the bus. Let me educate you hipster motherfuckers: the pages from a magazine make for horrible toilet paper.
03.27.09 at 9:56 am
Don’t get married to a black girl cos that might giv you Cancer…Thanks! Blognigger!
03.27.09 at 10:12 am
Girls have to squat to pee in public toilets all the time. It’s easier with heels but not if you’re drunk. I literally cannot bring myself to poop in public toilets, but I will try to do it standing.
03.27.09 at 10:14 am
A cold glass of water first thing in the morning is also good for “getting the plumbing working” as my Grandma used to say!
If you don’t want to sit you can put 2 cinder blocks or bricks on either side of the toilet to help you squat if you don’t want to buy the little squatting contraption.
There’s a great scene in Slumdog Millionaire at the beginning when this kid is squatting in an ‘outhouse’ that’s the PROPER way to evacuate. (although I don’t advise jumping into it).
03.27.09 at 10:18 am
Someone else said, “Don’t try to go until your ‘pushing cloth!”
03.27.09 at 10:18 am
the answer to this is easy. I may be way of but i think I even got this from an ancient BN post. get yourself a footrest. stretches the anus out same way squatting does.
03.27.09 at 10:20 am
i love it when bn gets his Kevin Smith on. great post.
03.27.09 at 10:36 am
Have you ever been to Japan or France? The toilets there are just holes in the floor and you HAVE to shit standing up. You also have to take your pants all the way off, I think that’s why the white man in Elizabethan times made us do it, because they didn’t feel like taking off their pantaloons and knickers and all the other weird shit they had to wear back then.
03.27.09 at 10:39 am
from link:
“Believe it or not, the current toilet seat is a comparatively new invention. It was developed in the Industrial revolution by people who thought it was more ‘dignified’ to sit on a ‘throne’ than the way the natives did. However, many doctors at the time were worried about this causing health problems because it went against nature. But in Victorian England where even table legs were covered with long table-cloths because they suggested legs (which were called only “limbs”) it was considered very improper to discuss such things.”
03.27.09 at 10:43 am
you may try to block the mighty preck but no chinamans can be blcoks.
you only have SHITTING contexts.
from preck
03.27.09 at 10:47 am
I kind of want to try it but I’m scared
03.27.09 at 10:59 am
Offensive. Everyone knows greg luganus was white.
03.27.09 at 11:33 am
Been done that, it’s called shitting in gas station baffrooms. Eww-town. Careful of the splash tho. I just vom’d a lil.
03.27.09 at 11:35 am
WELL BN THIS IS GOOD ADVISE AS A “JUMP OFF” BUT I AM GOING TO GO, YOU ONE-BETTER AND TAKE IT TO “SOME NEXT LEVEL SHIZNIT” AS YOU MIGHT SAY. YES I AM GOING TO TRY TO PEE STANDING UP AND I WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES MAYBE I CAN FINANLY EVACAUTE MY PISS-BOX ITS ALL WAYS FILLING UP SO SOON.
EVER SINCE YOUNG I WAS PEE’ING SITTING DOWN BECASUE OF MY HUNGRY APETITE FOR READING, ALL WAYS WAS A COPY OF “GARFEILD TAKE’S THE CAKE” SITTING NEXT TO THE TOILET SO MIGHT AS WELL READ HUH? BUT NOW-A-DAY’S I AM OH COARSE READING MORE ADVANCED TEXT’S SUCH AS “GERMS GUNS AND STEEL” AND “THE HOT ZONE” (NO NOT THE BEAU DERRICK BIOGRAPHY LOL) BUT I AM FARELY SURE I WOULD HAVE LIKED THESE “BACK IN THE DAY” WHEN I WAS YOUNG I AM NOT A KID ANY MORE BUT SOME DAYS I SIT AND WISH I WAS A KID AGAIN. GOTTA LOVE IT!!!!
03.27.09 at 11:43 am
shitting like this is great except for the splash back and if you make your toilet not fill all the way the smell also most toilets for squat shitting have a higher tank so the water falls faster and flushes easier because shit gets stuck to the dry toilet bowl I lived in the forests of oregon for a year with ou leaving and shit like this the whole time when I came out and shit on a toilet it hurt my prostate every time for about a week
03.27.09 at 11:55 am
All kidding aside, 8.
03.27.09 at 12:14 pm
ME laffeeee! ME laffeeee! Wooooo hoo hoo! me laffee. It so funny!
03.27.09 at 12:18 pm
This is the most degenerate article I’ve ever read.
Maybe niggers get so sentimental about shitting because they feel like they’re losing a tiny part of themselves.
03.27.09 at 12:49 pm
You are one funny nigger.
03.27.09 at 12:50 pm
Reading the news standing up gives you CANCER
03.27.09 at 12:51 pm
i just did this and it totes works yo…
03.27.09 at 1:04 pm
I am a big bn fan and i like the serious stuff the most BUT – this is extremely funny with like 10 hilarious jokes so for a friday, i’ll take it.
03.27.09 at 1:11 pm
YES! I heard about the squat technique from my friend. He said he read about in some book called “The Tao of Sex, Life, and Longevity” I now use this technique whenever I shit in a suspect location and often at home too! I have renamed it “The Tao of Public Pooping” WORD!!!
03.27.09 at 1:54 pm
daaamn dat shit be dope blognigga. see yo, i xant even write a sentence just like you. proud omy ignorance keep it real!! nigga this nigga dat
03.27.09 at 3:02 pm
jesus blognigger, you are a genius.
03.27.09 at 3:05 pm
“ten of eight?”
is that some canadian/black/jew shit?
03.27.09 at 3:28 pm
Blognigger is the Nipsey Russell of Streetcarnage.
03.27.09 at 4:16 pm
Thanks to Blognigger, I just tried squatting on the can at work. My turds missed and landed on the seat. I didn’t notice at first so as I was disembarking I slipped in a pile and then fell in another. I got it off my Florsheims but it’s still on my pants. I kinda rubbed it in trying to get it off. I hid in the stall until everyone left work. I really wanted to go have TGIF drinks with the gang, but it looks like I can’t even ride the subway home now. I’m the only thing that smells worse than the subway. Oh well. At least my poop shoot’s empty for once.
03.27.09 at 4:23 pm
Shit foot = black or domincan
03.27.09 at 4:29 pm
funny shit AND since when is just a normal guy posting again?!
03.27.09 at 6:50 pm
holy shit it works! Thanks BN, you just saved me dozens o bucks on TP, which will now be allocated to BE(er).
03.27.09 at 7:22 pm
Can’t breathe…. Good job bn, just like the old days.
03.27.09 at 8:43 pm
who are you kidding? true blacks say “doo-doo”
03.27.09 at 10:07 pm
nigs poopin all over the toilet….hahaha
03.28.09 at 12:31 am
how is a stand up shit even possible? don’t u have to spread ur butt cheeks in order to um, see ll cool j in Deep Blue Sea? how can u spread ur cheeks while standing? is this a evolutionary advantage only black men have developed due its usefulness during their impending prison time?
03.28.09 at 1:19 am
WELL RANDOM I MISS’ED THE FEELING OF THE “STREET BONERS’ COMMUNITY AND HELPING TO TAKE PART IN BIULDING THE BLOG SO I WON’TED TO RETURN TO “GIVE BACK TO THE COMMUNITY” SORRY I WENT A WAY I MISSED EVERY BODY
03.28.09 at 1:40 am
is this how far we fallen? lets put our heads together and try to remember how to…. shit.. again.
03.28.09 at 1:52 am
“At least my poop shoot’s empty for once.”
That would be poop CHUTE. Please, let’s spell our anal euphemisms correctly.
03.28.09 at 3:54 am
“I am like the thomas edison of shitting with my little brown, peanuty Watson – I’m a genius.”
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA funniest line in history
03.28.09 at 6:10 am
Oh sorry I called it the poop shoot cuz it shoots poop if you know what I mean but then I guess that would make it a poop shooter so yeah you’re right my bad peace and out.
03.28.09 at 10:08 am
i don’t think ew really understands
03.28.09 at 12:01 pm
I started doing this yesterday and now I’m constantly hungry. WTF?
03.28.09 at 1:10 pm
wow i think this is the first post i have read by blognigger, i feel so enlightened
but seriously i really do like to read about poop, smoking and coffee… so… right on
03.28.09 at 6:10 pm
haha he should have called himself for this one instead of BN B M but now forget why?
03.28.09 at 9:22 pm
or even better howa-bout LN for “lod enward. no he she call just collhimself enward templetone and get a raise you get it
03.28.09 at 9:30 pm
tristeza de lunes: you wanna keep workin here, stay off teh drugs.
03.28.09 at 9:55 pm
none of you have ever used a Turkish bathroom????????????????????
03.29.09 at 1:12 am
Blognigger is a FAG for joining twitter after all that ranting http://twitter.com/blognigger
03.29.09 at 7:22 am
Yeah, we know how much you hate BN ya ball licker
03.29.09 at 8:28 am
@consuala
many Turkish shitters have been westernized. It all depends on where you’re at in the country.
03.29.09 at 11:30 am
Squatting gives you hemmorhoids. I was a dedicated squatter from 19 -29. It stretches your ass out and you’re in serious danger of a sphincter fissure, which can only be cured with a cauterization. I only tell you this because I care.
03.30.09 at 1:41 pm
Are you sure it was from the squatting? I thought the same thing but then my doctor explained that it was actually from all the fisting.
03.30.09 at 1:50 pm