Public displays of partying are always mind bowling. They knock over the brain’s pins every time. I never know when it will happen.That’s part of the rush, the high I get that no drug has ever matched, nor ever will.

When I say public displays, I mean people partying in a room that you can witness when you walk by a home or a room that was rented on the ground floor of some office building. Usually these parties are intended to blow off some serious company steam or are seasonally forced upon the host out of obligation (AKA the holiday season or Arbor Day). The end result is the same: a selection of fascinating and especially random humans you can’t take your eyes off of and who turn you into a mesmerized, momentary stalker — a peeping Thomas, as some may say.

For me, the first indicator, my trigger, is that song that you faintly hear. It gets louder and then like a freight train, it is on top of you, blasting out of the building you are frozen in front of. You know when you hear certain jams pumping that the vision you are about to behold will be succulent. In short, your ears are licking their lips and your eyes are putting on bibs. Here are some of my personal favorites that come to mind and helped make me the Party Stalking addict I have become:

THE COMMITMENTS “MUSTANG SALLY”

This is possibly one of the least likable Jam Sandwiches of all time. The people who are dancing their asses off to this are inevitably surrounded by a larger group wincing while they dance, almost like there is an invisible shotgun to their backs.
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GLEN FREY “THE HEAT IS ON”

Glen also does that amazing jam, “You Belong to the City.” Awesome to walk by a party and see this one playing out, usually because every female is hammered, sweaty and one-third of them are looking for their “stolen bag.” Ummm, it’s not stolen — you are dancing on it.

GEORGE THOROGOOD “BAD TO THE BONE”

Women usually hide under tables or go to fix their hair during this jammy jam. Why? Because for them the song represents a Rape-Quake of men on the dance floor, each being bad to the boner. A social anthropologists (Party Stalker’s) wet dream because you get to see a sea of drunken J Crew pants exhibiting their sex-styles, unaware they are all fucking each other. I’m wet just thinking about it.
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CHER “BELIEVE”

Great to watch people dance to this. It’s an enabler song, a gateway jam that helps people telecast what they think being uninhibited is all about. I think it also is a way for people to let their friends know they aren’t homophobes because they are kickin’ it to this killer party tune. However, if you turned off the music it would look like a bunch of people making fun of fagosexuals — including the actual gay gents dancing to it. This song is on the precipice of being sexually racist.
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“LADIES NIGHT” — BY ANYONE AND EVERYONE WHO EVER SANG IT

This is empowerment for drunken ladies. Any man dancing to this song while the ladies are unifying is akin to a dance floor rapist. Sit down, guy. Don’t worry, Sir-Mix-A-Lot is up next.
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D4L “LAFFY TAFFY”

I walked by a ground floor office party and this was playing and I had an out-of-bawdy experience. There was a woman, who had just presumably barfed, leaning face-forward all cute n’ wobbly as a United Nations of grinding asses further pummeled her into a coma. This is possibly the best way to find out who used to be a dirty dancer during college or who wishes they where. Both are a delight. Again, I am wet.
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THE POGUES “FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK”

A great song. Love it — however, I go to the bathroom and fix my hair during this one. It also indicates that it is 11 a.m. and you and the other two random stragglers should stop doing rails and get outside so you can start making fun of Asian people with your party eyes.

-PINKY

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