WORDS: ROBERT FOSTER
Here’s a quick list of things that people say and do that I don’t believe they can actually mean:
“VEGAN FOOD TASTES NICE”
You’ve basically said to the world, “I like animals so much I don’t want them to die in my name, and so I’m never eating something we’re actually built to eat just so dumb cows and stupid chickens can keep living their meaningless lives, and I’ve invented a whole menu of stuff that is supposed to take its place — even though it comes up short in loads of important nutrients and taste. That’s the sacrifice I’m prepared to make,” which is super sweet of you, but it doesn’t make one single bit of difference how many animals die (and you secretly know that).
So whatever, I like your style, you made a sacrifice for a noble cause. But when I offer to buy you some McDonald’s don’t do that lame thing where you go “oh, no thanks, I’m going home to make tofu lasagna and I’ve got some vegan cupcakes from Wholefoods that I’m really excited about.” Then you make some slurpy “yummy” noise and rub your belly to try and hide the fact that the sacrifice you’ve made is taste, and you’ve decided to eat just to survive and be morally pure. Don’t pretend the dry, rough cupcakes and the soggy, unsatisfying tofu are even a half-substitute for the real versions of either. When you do that fake excited thing, it makes the rest of us remember how deluded you actually are. Just suck it up and admit it’s gross but you gotta do what you gotta do.
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“I DON’T LIKE THE BEATLES”
Liking stuff that everyone else likes is definitely not great. Blind enjoyment of everything the media throws at you is for normies — it’s how X Factor is allowed to exist and the reason there are 210 episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond. So it’s cool that you’re into weird stuff instead of just being a drone like everyone else. Culture’s important; it sets us apart from the animals. It shouldn’t just be consumed — you should form your own tastes and not be swayed by the opinions of the masses.
But you need to draw the line somewhere, guys, because not liking The Beatles out of sheer bloody-mindedness is retardo. Besides, I’m pretty sure in your heart of hearts you know they more or less invented every type of decent music, including punk. I know the Rolling Stones appeared to be more badly behaved and they had amazing singles about the devil, but they were always one step behind musically — they even copied Sergeant Pepper wholesale and their albums where shit until the 70s.
The Beatles might be what Glen Matlock was kicked out of the Sex Pistols for liking, but the Sex Pistols were a bunch of posers and Johnny Rotten is in a butter advert. Also, John Lennon kicked a guy in the head and he died of his injuries a month or so later.
—
“I TAKE PERFORMANCE ART SERIOUSLY”
I’ve known some good, funny guys who are totally up on the latest ways to be sarcastic and the best knowing glances, fantastic hang out material, and who fall silent and stony faced when put in a situation where performance art is being done. It’s like they’re all over animated and funny, like Steve Martin when he’s exasperated in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, and then we get to the gallery and suddenly they’re the lawyer from Arrested Development, telling me to shush when I cough.
I guess their reasoning is, “Well, someone is trying really hard to express themselves, so I’ve got to respect that,” which is an admirable sentiment and should apply in situations like when a new guy comes to your AA meeting and he’s really nervous, when a small child is doing a dance recital, or when a group of prisoners are putting on an amateur Shakespeare production even when the governor tried to shut down the prison theater club due to lack of funds. It shouldn’t apply when some people who didn’t have the patience to learn to paint and couldn’t be bothered to write a real play decide to show their genitals and do some primal screaming for an hour — especially when it’s cutting into my “looking at art school girls in a gallery” time.
Once you put yourself in your art it becomes all about you, and I bet when you try and have a conversation with guys who do it, it’s all about them too BECAUSE THEY’RE ALWAYS DICKS. Don’t give them the satisfaction of your attention just because you feel bad.
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“I DON’T WANT TO FUCK SLUTTY GIRLS”
“Urgh! Look at those sluts with their perfect skin, short dresses, and boobs on display, dancing provocatively in my face to chart hits! I’d much rather go home with a frizzy haired girl in a vintage dress and talk about books til dawn.” Oh sure, OK. You won’t mind if I check your internet history then, will you? Because I’m pretty sure you’ve not been beating your meat to pictures of short haired illustration students who own cats and have huge bushes. You’ve been beating it to pictures of huge titted, bronzed sluts with no pubes and amazingly sleek hair. That’s because we’re genetically programmed by baby Jesus to love big boobs and healthy looking flesh — not second hand clothes and conversations about French movies in the 60s. If you deny yourself that just to make a point about hating mainstreamers, then you may as well deny evolution happened or that physics works.
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“I ENJOY NOISE MUSIC”
I can see why melody would get you down and why you’d feel like verse-chorus-verse has been done to death. Everything being nice and predictable can make things dull, I suppose. Noise music is the answer to that, I suppose (although a lot of it does sounds the same, you’ve gotta admit). There’s no structure, no melody, no vocals, photocopied album artwork and a cheap CDR. There’s no better way to say “fuck you” to Simon Cowell than to be into noise music.
But are you that mad with the verse-chorus-verse structure that you’re going to punish yourself by listening to Merzbow? Isn’t that cutting off your nose to spite your face? And if you tell me you actually like it and it soothes you in the same way people get soothed by listening to Cat Stevens, then I am going to call you a fucking liar. You’re telling me that when you’re 50 you’re going to go through your old records and reminisce with your buddies while Current 93 is playing in the background? I don’t believe you at all. You’re going to play Fleet Foxes like the rest of us will when we’re old enough not to be snobs about music.
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“I hate reality tv” ,gavin saying he’s turned off by interracial porn
01.25.10 at 11:25 am
You can tell this guy is British because he thinks there are only two kinds of girls: lurid “bronzed” (haha!) sluts and frizzy-haired, cat-owning, big-bushed mingers. Americans may have their problems, and lord knows there are some ugly motherfuckers here, but UK chicks are on some next-level gross shit.
01.25.10 at 11:26 am
Yes to everything here. One addendum to the Beatles thing, however. It’s possible to overdose on them if you’ve been listening to them since 5th grade or whatever, and then you can’t listen to them with “fresh ears”. Since the Beatles are like a virus that has infected the DNA of Music, if you’ve been listening to them for a long time, hearing “Sgt. Peppers” can occasionally be like tasting the inside of your own mouth. Not bad, just not fresh.
01.25.10 at 11:28 am
the stones best albums were from the 60s, it’s not even close
01.25.10 at 11:42 am
the Beatles were vegetarian (except John)
Glen Matlock wrote all the songs
01.25.10 at 11:44 am
Huge bushes are gross but totally shaved is worse.
01.25.10 at 11:46 am
I honestly hate The Beatles and also think the Stones peaked with “Between the Buttons.”
01.25.10 at 11:51 am
The Rolling Stones became Aerosmith after Brian Jones died and lost about 99 percent of what made their music interesting.
01.25.10 at 11:54 am
great post. finally
01.25.10 at 12:02 pm
simon cowell is such an asshole
01.25.10 at 12:06 pm
Fucking yawn.
01.25.10 at 12:14 pm
@unclaimed smegma
Hear, hear!
01.25.10 at 12:16 pm
Phrases that suggest you’re lying…..
I look forward to reading Robert Foster in Platform.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
01.25.10 at 12:31 pm
Vegan food IS delicious. You are stupid. Have fun in hamburger world; we never wanted you.
01.25.10 at 12:42 pm
Man. These ranting Englanders are actually starting to bring down street carnage.
What kind of fuck actually thinks ‘oh awesome, a fucking beatles song’, it’s like getting excited about Jimmy Buffet.
And, everyone knows being vegan is just a convenient way to hide an eating disorder and makes not eating easier.
And yeah, I really wanna bone a chick with the pubic hair of a nine year old.
01.25.10 at 12:44 pm
Rolling Stones > The Beatles
In the beginning The Beatles definitely had some influence on The Stones, but after about a half decade that was pretty well gone. The Stones were doing their own thing and it’s hard to argue otherwise.
01.25.10 at 1:02 pm
the Beatles bore me and always have. for classic rock i like Led Zep, Pink Floyd and Sabbath. Paul McCartney is the worst fuck him.
the sluts thing was funny though – everyone str8 wants to fuck them.
01.25.10 at 1:27 pm
I completely mean every one of those statements.
01.25.10 at 1:31 pm
you always say how much you vehemently hate the beatles and then you sit down and listen to them. i go through this about every 3 months.
01.25.10 at 1:33 pm
I actually do jerk it to art school girls.
Altsextube.com man.
01.25.10 at 1:44 pm
Vegan food IS gross, but only if it’s all you eat. Besides, french fries are vegan, right? I’d hardly call those unappetizing. Same goes for animal products. If I eat meat every day I feel like I’m sweating vienna sausages. I prefer a nice balance between the two.
The Beatles are not that good. Sorry, but they were the original boy band that got slightly cool because they smoked pot. John Lennon had the politics of a 3 year old, George Harrison was a fucking drag, Paul McCartney is vain AND ugly while Ringo is basically a cartoon who has somehow managed to emerge as the coolest Beatle, living or dead. That’s pretty fucking sad. Otherwise, I’m too burned on them to have a valid opinion anyways.
Haven’t seen a lot of good performance art.
I like slutty girls but I like for them to be secret slutty girls. All this Fran Drescher shit is a major turn-off.
Don’t like noise either.
*You suck at cocktail party psychology.
01.25.10 at 1:57 pm
Unfortunately, I agree with most of this.
01.25.10 at 2:18 pm
I listen to the beatles when I masturbate.
01.25.10 at 2:48 pm
The Beatles are the most overrated band ever. They’re fun to listen to, though.
01.25.10 at 3:00 pm
Why is slut=big titted random bro-ho? Why can’t the art student be a slut? Cause, incidentally, THEY OFTEN ARE. I mean, you know, slut just means willing to take most D into the V, not taking outdated Myspace pictures and sucking the dick of someone who tans. Dummy. If a girl will let you make condom trash with her just cause you know about Camus, I’d say she’s a slut.
01.25.10 at 3:04 pm
so, a quick list of things fags say and do that they’re lying about?
01.25.10 at 3:30 pm
I think maybe its only ENGLISH people who’re not allowed to like the Beatles anymore, for Americans its kind of cute. (im not either or so its neither here nor there)
The Beatles is the music that our parents wanted to fuck each other to, and probably DID fuck each other to, with their gross incredibly hairy bushes, and stupid ideologies and fantasies about how they were going to change the world or their kids would or something and all we ended up doing was talking about their genitalia on the internet.
I’d way rather have the internet than the beatles, and i think it will do more for the world and human culture than some stupid pop rock band from Liverpudlian or wherever.
01.25.10 at 3:54 pm
1. the beatles didn’t INVENT all music – they were inspired by others just like people were and are inspired by them. The Ronettes? The Everley Bros? etc.
2. some vegan/vegetarian cuisine is good, and some is awful. I feel like you’re making broad generalizations for the sake of being edgy, you don’t always have to CHOOSE A SIDE GOOD OR BAD RIGHT OR WRONG. it’s annoying and pointless.
3. Fleet foxes are gay.
everything else = whatever.
this piece sucked though FYI!
01.25.10 at 4:25 pm
Dude, I have so many friends who “enjoy” listening to Merzbow. That kind of music makes me want to stomp on the artist’s nuts.
01.25.10 at 4:42 pm
^^Merzbow would probably like that. It would be like giving his nuts a big soulless boxset of noise, all at once.
01.25.10 at 5:34 pm
I could never understand/choose to not understand why anyone would give up meat. Bacon is so f-ing good.
01.25.10 at 5:51 pm
Believe me if there were more widespread art school girl porn that would be all I’d look at
big tit porn is out of necessity, not desire
01.25.10 at 6:10 pm
“the Sex Pistols were a bunch of posers”
qft
01.25.10 at 6:10 pm
the mothers > the beatles.
01.25.10 at 6:45 pm
this article is truth. your anger is just your resistance to the truth.
01.25.10 at 7:03 pm
I fucking hate John Lennon.
01.25.10 at 7:37 pm
I like pancakes.
01.25.10 at 7:39 pm
Everyone knows guys say they listen to shitty art fag noise music because they wanna fuck that shitty art fag chick who pretends to listen to shitty art fag noise music.
01.25.10 at 7:55 pm
This Foster man slays.
But honestly come on dude. The Beatles were pretty fucking boring.
01.25.10 at 8:08 pm
Poon.
01.25.10 at 8:52 pm
Ah shit, did Aileen Awful just do an ” omg bacon!!”?. Why wasn’t she drowned at birth?? Perhaps it was so she could serve as a living reminder of why pregnant ladies should do an amniocentesis.
01.25.10 at 10:47 pm
sure I will fuck sluts but I don’t lust for them I lust for yoga girls
01.25.10 at 10:57 pm
keyboards- my neighbor’s cat? http://twitpic.com/yc84m
01.26.10 at 10:09 am
Yoko Ono was the only good thing about the Beatles, you fucking ball bag.
01.26.10 at 10:13 am
I dont like the Beatles. Never have never will. I also don’t like Bach, which by your warped standards probably invented electro. Fuck off, Platform. No one reads your shitty e-zine.
01.26.10 at 12:36 pm
HEY MAN HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT MTV DOESNT PLAY MUSIC ANYMORE WHATS UP WITH THAT RIGHT LOL
01.26.10 at 12:40 pm
[...] but this list of unbelievable lies is pretty solid, especially those told about performance art {Street Carnage} AKPC_IDS += “20304,”;Popularity: unranked [?] Share and [...]
01.26.10 at 4:01 pm
So what is your take on Revolution # 9 then eh? Eh? It’s noise, which you hate, but Beatles, which you love. Oh snap, thats the sound of Platform’s mind being blown.
01.26.10 at 5:22 pm
you’re not wrong bob
01.26.10 at 6:00 pm
fuck you for saying negative things about NOISE MUSIC…..go listen to yr fleet foxes …..you FUCKING IDIOT,,,,, JOHN CAGE invented music ….oh yeah and THE BEATLES suck minus harrison (all things must pass) and John Lennon (plastic ono band)…..suck an EGG indie SNOB
01.26.10 at 6:25 pm
What? You mean you don’t like Wings?
01.26.10 at 10:50 pm
You are the worst. It’s the typical collection of typical observations. Veganism, seriously, are you my great aunt from northwest Minnesota?
Where’s “Abstract art means something” and “rap rock is neither rap nor rock?”
For the record, the Rolling Stones pull it off much better than the sappy Beatles, not due to background, but to the fact that they change styles and write good edgy songs (Sticky Fingers?). Vegan cooking is pretty good compared to middle-class hipster food (ironic Taco Bell?) and no one really wants these plastic women (dork).
01.26.10 at 10:54 pm
I don’t talk during performance art sets, but it’s not because I respect those retards — it’s because I don’t want that naked man cutting himself on stage to throw the handful of semen he just farted into his hand at me in the audience. I don’t want to be a target.
It’s like not making eye contact with the other prisoners.
01.27.10 at 12:02 am
Someone’s been reading Chuck Klosterman.
02.01.10 at 10:21 pm
Put this on the list:
“I listen to Norwegian black metal.”
02.08.10 at 6:14 pm
i think this list is amazingly true for internet people who compete for whats cool with the internet. i agree with most of it besides the comments about noise. i personally love noise and do find it soothing. this isnt a good or bad thing. its just how i am. noise music is fringe music. the issue is trend people who jump on noise because they have to be “more subversive” than everyone else. it isnt a problem cause then some people may hear/get into noise who wouldnt normally but it also creates people who like the rarity and kitsch (only to people who dont get it) of noise as opposed to the product. but hey, as long as they go to the shows and buy shirts its cool. not to rant but i think its funny, when i was a kid all i wanted was to know more people who were into the stuff i was (ive never thought being a music nerd was cool, it was isolating and fucked me up socially cause all i can talk about makes sense to about 2% of a room), to talk to someone about the stuff i was really psyched about at that time, and stuff definatly made it higher up in awareness but only because of its novelty(once again, only novelty to people who dont get it). people drop the names and have opinions but havent even heard the albums. it gets tiring and disheartening. if you honestly dont get/care about a type of music or artist. just keep your opinions to yourself, it wasnt made for your kind. not in a bad way. just different packs of people. ya dig. same goes with black metal. i think fleet foxes is pussy music but that doesnt matter because its still good music it just doesnt click with me, thats not my fault or fleet foxes fault. im an asshole anyway though and my opinion really doesnt matter to anyone but me. observations are awesome, opinions are fucking lame. the thing that makes this world so awesome is that were all different, just cause you dont understand it doesnt mean its not good.
02.17.10 at 1:35 am