This is how Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew was originally gonna start. Then stupid MTV got cold feetsy-weetsys. Losers. I for one think Corey would have loved it to start this way.

Quick story: I wanted Corey to be in “Totally For Teens.” He even said yes, he would do it. That became a story all of it’s own. He was a super guy on the phone, very polite, enthusiastic and yes, very confusing but he seemed to really enjoy that fact. That made me enjoy it too. I liked you, Corey, we just were never sure if you were gonna show up on set, ever and we could not afford $50,000.

XO
-PINKY

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Public displays of partying are always mind bowling. They knock over the brain’s pins every time. I never know when it will happen.That’s part of the rush, the high I get that no drug has ever matched, nor ever will.

When I say public displays, I mean people partying in a room that you can witness when you walk by a home or a room that was rented on the ground floor of some office building. Usually these parties are intended to blow off some serious company steam or are seasonally forced upon the host out of obligation (AKA the holiday season or Arbor Day). The end result is the same: a selection of fascinating and especially random humans you can’t take your eyes off of and who turn you into a mesmerized, momentary stalker — a peeping Thomas, as some may say.

For me, the first indicator, my trigger, is that song that you faintly hear. It gets louder and then like a freight train, it is on top of you, blasting out of the building you are frozen in front of. You know when you hear certain jams pumping that the vision you are about to behold will be succulent. In short, your ears are licking their lips and your eyes are putting on bibs. Here are some of my personal favorites that come to mind and helped make me the Party Stalking addict I have become:

THE COMMITMENTS “MUSTANG SALLY”

This is possibly one of the least likable Jam Sandwiches of all time. The people who are dancing their asses off to this are inevitably surrounded by a larger group wincing while they dance, almost like there is an invisible shotgun to their backs.
—

GLEN FREY “THE HEAT IS ON”

Glen also does that amazing jam, “You Belong to the City.” Awesome to walk by a party and see this one playing out, usually because every female is hammered, sweaty and one-third of them are looking for their “stolen bag.” Ummm, it’s not stolen — you are dancing on it.

GEORGE THOROGOOD “BAD TO THE BONE”

Women usually hide under tables or go to fix their hair during this jammy jam. Why? Because for them the song represents a Rape-Quake of men on the dance floor, each being bad to the boner. A social anthropologists (Party Stalker’s) wet dream because you get to see a sea of drunken J Crew pants exhibiting their sex-styles, unaware they are all fucking each other. I’m wet just thinking about it.
—

CHER “BELIEVE”

Great to watch people dance to this. It’s an enabler song, a gateway jam that helps people telecast what they think being uninhibited is all about. I think it also is a way for people to let their friends know they aren’t homophobes because they are kickin’ it to this killer party tune. However, if you turned off the music it would look like a bunch of people making fun of fagosexuals — including the actual gay gents dancing to it. This song is on the precipice of being sexually racist.
—

“LADIES NIGHT” — BY ANYONE AND EVERYONE WHO EVER SANG IT

This is empowerment for drunken ladies. Any man dancing to this song while the ladies are unifying is akin to a dance floor rapist. Sit down, guy. Don’t worry, Sir-Mix-A-Lot is up next.
—

D4L “LAFFY TAFFY”

I walked by a ground floor office party and this was playing and I had an out-of-bawdy experience. There was a woman, who had just presumably barfed, leaning face-forward all cute n’ wobbly as a United Nations of grinding asses further pummeled her into a coma. This is possibly the best way to find out who used to be a dirty dancer during college or who wishes they where. Both are a delight. Again, I am wet.
—

THE POGUES “FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK”

A great song. Love it — however, I go to the bathroom and fix my hair during this one. It also indicates that it is 11 a.m. and you and the other two random stragglers should stop doing rails and get outside so you can start making fun of Asian people with your party eyes.

-PINKY

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A paper released on Wednesday predicts that 2010 may be the year in which nonwhite births outnumber white births for the first time in US history.

“White” is, of course, a relative term, and the study in question doesn’t include Hispanics under its Big White Tent. In fact, it’s the highly race-concious Spics who are squeezing out fetuses much more rapidly than the crackers, ‘groids, slopes, and everyone else.

Do not fear me or what I am about to say. I am here to strengthen the ties that bind. It is my sincere belief that of all people on this planet, I am the only man alive who can bring everyone together. I mingled with and attempted miscegenation with nonwhites long before it became fashionable and eons before it became compulsory. I have taken great pains and spent several years doing field research to establish that poor black people understand me better than affluent white people do, so I approach this topic with a rare degree of compassion and insight.

This morning I left my pearly-white wife and blue-eyed son at home in our 86%-black ‘hood as I headed to work. I listened to the Jew Neil Diamond on the radio and stopped for some Southern “country cooking” grilled up and served for $2.99 by a Chinese woman and her slant-eyed husband. At work, I mix in smoothly with Colombians and Ecuadorians and Guyanese and Cameroonians and Ethiopians and Jews and even black Americans who call each other “brother” without fear of being deemed racist.

So it’s not as if I have a problem getting along with “people of color.” For the most part, I get along better with them and respect them more than I do modern white Americans.

I realize that many of you are ecstatic to the point of auto-orgasm at the fact that whites are becoming an American minority. You exult in some sick, primitive, religious notion of karmic retribution and chickens coming home to roost. You believe—or more properly, you have been persuaded—that white supremacy is mankind’s primary enemy and that this rumbling you hear as America’s demographic tectonic plates shift is actually the loudly joyous sound of a New Era of racial harmony and all-around slap-happy get-togetherness. Without much more than a wing and a prayer, you are convinced that nonwhites are not prone to, nor even morally capable of, ethnic violence or tendencies toward unfairly favoring their own “kind.” You think a sudden interracial orgy will erupt, permanently breeding out all discernible ethnic differences and creating an oatmeal-colored Unitribe who feels as if they’ve “been there, done that” regarding ethnic tension and that the very topic of race is SOOOOOOOOOO 1965.

Good luck with all that.

I’m not so hopeful. I believe the current conditions point more toward catastrophe than harmony.

Here’s why:

THE DOUBLE STANDARD
White Americans are forbidden from expressing ethnic pride—or, at the least, there’s a grudging tolerance of specific national pride such as being Irish, but NEVER just being “white”—while all nonwhites are free to bask proudly in their genetic juices, general or specific, without fear of being labeled bigots. Social double standards are dangerous and never lead to unity. Either everyone should be discouraged from expressing ethnic pride, or everyone should be allowed to express it, no matter how moronic or distasteful it may appear to others. I’m in favor of the latter. But for the time being, it looks as if whites are the only ones who got the memo that we’re supposed to be going “post-racial.”

THERE’S NO PROOF THAT THIS NOBLE “EXPERIMENT” HAS EVER WORKED
Multiculturalism demands we celebrate the fact that the only thing we have in common is that we have nothing in common. This post-racial utopia we’ve been promised has been warmly embraced as irrefutable social science, although I haven’t seen a sliver of evidence to support the idea that this will work or has ever worked in the past. I haven’t been shown any solid examples of poly-ethnic, poly-lingual, poly-religious nations that have been, as the environmentalists like to say, “sustainable” for long periods. The historical record tends to show that these are preconditions for a nation falling apart rather than staying together and that unity tends to be a much stronger adhesive force than diversity. In fact, the most comprehensive study I’ve yet to see on the subject revealed that ethnic diversity makes people less happy and weakens communities rather than strengthening them.

IMMIGRATION HYPOCRISY
I don’t see anyone saying that Venezuela needs more Swedes or that China needs more Belgians, but I hear a lot of people screaming that Western countries need to spread their legs open to non-Westerners. Yes, you can say we’re a “nation of immigrants” from one side of your mouth, but the other side’s bitching that those immigrants have been far too white for far too long. There’s even some speculation that white Europeans may have occupied North America ten millennia before Columbus ever stubbed his toe on it. But if, in fact, white immigrants only arrived here after Columbus and it was wrong for them to overwhelm the cultures that occupied this land, why is it suddenly a good thing that another process of genetic displacement and culture-dispossession is occurring? Two wrongs don’t make a right, at least not according to the rules of logic. And for all the bitching everyone does about the evils of white majorities, 21 of the top 22 nations on the UN’s “Quality of Life” scale are majority-white, so they must be doing something right. Why, then, is it considered insane to challenge the party dogma that making these nations less white will lead to improved living conditions? Why is it deemed a thought crime even to ask?

Throw away the peace signs and rainbow flags and take a serious look at evolutionary social psychology and the competition for resources. I believe people are hard-wired to be tribal, which is why the government spends so much time and pays so many ideological-marketing experts trying to rewire you.

I believe that whatever used to be our “common fabric” is now in tatters. I anticipate that in America, every color in the rainbow is headed for some mighty rough times. And more than anything, I hope I’m wrong.

Like I said, I know how to get along when I want to, but I’m not so sure about everyone else. I don’t plan on antagonizing anyone because they’re different from me, but neither will I lie down like an obedient white lamb in case I get antagonized.

And I’ll teach my little white son never to hate anyone because they’re different from him, but I’ll kick in the fucking skull of anyone who attacks him because he’s white.

Sounds fair to me. Do we have a deal?

-JIM GOAD
Twitter.com/JimGoad

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Just to be clear, this is not a hole in her tights. It’s a hole in the ass-time continuum that will swallow your entire paycheck if you go near it.

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No, Fuck YOU — Howard Stern is the bravest man in showbiz.

In case you haven’t heard, the gay liberal mafia is up in arms over Stern’s comments on morbidly obese death-pool favorite Gabourey Sidibe.

Did you see the Oscars? Didn’t it strike you as odd at all that, from the Red Carpet coverage to the final moments of the broadcast, every single commentator and speaker repeatedly remarked on how GORGEOUS Gabourey Sidibe looked?

If we were in their shoes, would any of us be brave enough to admit that this is FUCKING BULLSHIT?

Gabourey Sidibe is a 400-pound sack of lipids who probably has, at most, six years to live. On top of this, her face would be unattractive even if she were thin — at her current weight, the cheek mass she carries on either side of her face literally makes her look Chinese.

Can’t all these phonies at least focus on the fact that she did a great job of playing “Precious?” (Or so I’ve heard.) Do they have to lie and say she’s beautiful too?

I digress — Howard didn’t even go there. Here’s a summary of Stern’s incisive, brave, hilarious comments:

“You feel bad because everyone pretends that she’s part of show business and she’s never going to be in another movie,” Stern added. “What movie is she going to be in? ‘Blind Side 2,’ she could be the football player.”

Howard accused Oprah Winfrey, who introduced Sidibe at the Oscars when the best actress nominees were announced, of lying to Sidibe. “When we look at you,” Winfrey told the 26-year-old from the Oscars stage, “we see a true, American Cinderella who’s on the threshold of a brilliant new career.”

Stern disagreed. “She told an enormous woman the size of a planet that she’s going to have a career,” he said during his broadcast. “Oprah should’ve said, ‘you need to get help, we don’t want to lose you.’ “

For Stern, Sidibe’s size is not just a problem for her career, but her health as well.

“You just want to say to her, listen, honey, now that you’ve got a little money in the bank go get yourself thin, because you’re going to die in three years,” he said.

I’ll tell ya, we tend to posthumously lionize figures like Lenny Bruce for their willingness to step out and break convention in defense of freedom of speech. If you were alive in those days though — and you had a public forum to speak out — wouldn’t you have just acted like a jerk-off and walked the party line?

Once again, Howard Stern is the ONLY A-List celebrity who keeps it real. Judging by how I suck people’s dicks at my real job in order to make money and keep my kids safe, I don’t think I’d have the balls to do it either. Then again, if I had Howard’s “FUCK YOU” MONEY, maybe I would.

What do you homos think?

-BENJAMIN LEO

Follow Benjamin’s tweets on @Street_Carnage

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I love being gorgeous, working out, playing music, and making that crystal clear to as many people as possible beyond any shadow of any possible doubt.

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I think she does, kind of! I’ve been working in Korea for a week and this little girl is on the cover of, like, every book I was given.

I actually took about 15 minutes navigating my first Korean website trying to find an image of the book, specifically for this purpose. I have a lot of time on my hands.

I guess my real question for you is “Why did I move to Korea?” and also “Is there a way to get out of my contract?”

Nah, honestly, it’s not that bad. The job is actually OK, I just have never had a situation in my life where every day, at all hours of the day, I am saying to myself, “OK! It’s OK. Take it one day at a time. You have your health, a place to sleep, friends (back home), a boyfriend (back home), family (back home), a job and enough to eat. You’re not having any major crisis.” But I often feel like I am and that I’m on some weird vacation that I just want to be over now.

I am actually misting up a bit typing this email, which is weird because I haven’t cried since I have been here, but I guess I am crying now. Maybe it’s culture shock or maybe it’s that I’m PMSing or maybe it’s that I just read two of your latest
“Ask Barfs” trying to find where to email this, and they sounded really heartfelt and sincere and people being warm and honest with each other always gets my crying-trigger.

Anyway, I shouldn’t be complaining. My boyfriend is coming here soon (two months), but being alone isn’t something I am super well versed in either and I think that’s part of it. I know this sounds corny, but I am going to start going to the gym to fill my time, maybe that will help. I dunno! It’s a big change I didn’t really think through.

OK, that’s all. It’s somehow comforting seeing a young, keen, sort of smug looking, Lesley Arfin-esque kid all the time. It reminds me of being at home with my cats, enjoying being jobless, having a beer at 3 p.m. and reading Street Carnage.

-GIRL IN KOREA

Dear Girl In Korea,

xx
-LESLEY
LesleyArfin.com
CafeconLesley.BlogSpot.com

P.S. Yes, that girl does look like me a little. Every time you see her you can think about how proud we are of you for having the balls to do something as random and weird as moving to Korea.

Send “Ask Barf” letters / replies to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com

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Calender shot of Kimberly from Scarlett’s

When I was in high school my older cousin always told me I’d go through a stripper phase, and I was anxious for it to start. I held strippers on a pedestal because I grew up watching porn and they were the closest thing to porn I thought I could get. My obsession with clear heels and fishnets didn’t help.

It all started on Mother’s Day, 2006, when I fell completely in love with a Québécois dancer at first sight. The night ended with a 40-year-old Brazilian, affectionately named “Nazi,” who handed me her number and told me she’d show me how to fuck (my cousins told her I was a virgin; not true). I never called her, but I learned the tricks of the trade. You can either slide your way into fucking a stripper through one of three ways: 1) lots and lots of money, but this doesn’t always work; 2) drugs, but this is obviously risky; 3) stripper game.

Stripper game is basically the same game you use to pick up regular girls, but for some reason, it’s easier to be a jerk and spit suave game to a woman who’s naked. This is basically the Readers’ Digest version of what I learned from a former Cheetah’s bouncer and my cousins.

Lindsey from Cheetah’s being fucking metal

1. SPOTTING “THE ONE”
More often than not, as soon as you walk into a club, a particular girl catches your eye and you say, “Fuuuuuck, that bitch is bad,” and almost instantly every other slut in that place disappears. She may not come over to your table on her own, so if she’s on stage, go up and stuff a few bills into her g-string and tell her to come over to your table when she’s done. If you see her walking around, make eye contact and if she thinks you’re cute, then she’ll come over. If she just comes over and sits on your lap, step one is done for you. If she immediately asks you for a dance or tells you to buy her a drink, politely decline because this one is a gold digger who won’t give up the pussy. If she can carry a conversation, you’re ready for the next step.

2. PRETEND SHE HAS CLOTHES ON
I know this is tough considering you have big titties in your face and you can barely hold yourself back from gawking at sheathed titties, much less bare nipples a few inches away from your face, but this is key as every single guy who comes into that place is looking to get laid. For whatever reason, guys think because a woman is a stripper that she’re some sort of uber-sex machine. While you’re being a jackass and groping her tits during a dance, she’s thinking, “God, when is this fucking song going to end so this stinky faggot will stop touching me?” The less you come across as one of those guys, the better. Maintain eye contact! No staring at her tits or glimpsing at her pussy.

3. BE A GENTLEMAN
Again, you need to convey to her that you aren’t like every other loser in that place who’s just trying to bust a nut. Offer to buy her a drink and ask the same questions you would ask any other woman you’d meet. Don’t “spit game” because strippers are wise to that type of shit and will know you’re only trying to fuck them. Avoid giving her compliments on her appearance. Every dude in there has told her how perfect her tits are or how nice her ass is or how unbeef-curtainy her pussy is. Hot girls like to be told they’re smart, and smart girls like to be told they’re hot. That stripper sitting at the table with you is probably a goddamn buffoon, so follow suit with your complements.

4. ACT LIKE YOU GIVE A FUCK
This is an integral part of your game. I usually segue into this part by asking her why she’s stripping or how she got into it. Don’t worry about her getting offended. She knows damn well people look down on sex workers and that her job is seedy. I’ve yet to have a stripper tell me, “What you mean how’d I get into this?” It isn’t like asking a male nurse why he’s a faggy-assed nurse and not a doctor. The last girl I asked this to told me straight up, “I moved here from Germany to do real estate, but then the market turned to shit and I couldn’t find work, so I decided to give this a try.” This also leads into acting like you can get them a legit job somewhere normal, or that they’re way too smart to be doing what they’re doing.

Heidi from Diamond Dolls helping me lose all her money at the Hard Rock

5. NOT SPENDING MONEY
This takes some self-control and restraint. More often than not, she’s been sitting at your table with you for several minutes while her overseers are wondering why their hoe ho [Thanks, imyar] isn’t grinding on dicks and bringing more cash to the house. In case you didn’t know, those burly dickheads in suits standing around aren’t only there to throw out drunk bros. They’re counting dances and tallying how much their hoe has to pay the house at the end of the night when they cash out. So tell her to go in the back for a friction dance or champagne room, but the less money you actually spend on them, the better. If they’re ringing you like a human cash register, they know you’re a chump and you ain’t getting the pussy any time soon.

6. WHAT TO DO IN THE BACK
So you’re in the back room with her — what do you do now? Take the first song and let her dance. When she asks you if you want to continue, tell her yes but tell her to just chill and not dance and to consider this her break. If she INSISTS on dancing or suggests the champagne room, get the fuck out of there and go back to step one with someone else. She thinks she may be able to lure your chump ass into the champagne room to spend more money on her. If she says OK to just sitting and talking, you’re closer to getting the puss.

7. GETTING HER NUMBER
OK, so you’re still in the back and now you just continue the stupid banter with her that you started out on the main floor. Generally, they will say something along the lines of “Wow, you seem like a really nice guy. I thought you were going to try to fuck me or be rude.” This is especially true if you’re young. 99% of the time, they will offer you their number or ask you for yours. If she doesn’t automatically come out with that, tell her that you should hang out with her outside of work and go out sometime, and then she’ll offer. Be modest! Just act like this is natural and you can either keep sitting back there and bullshitting, or more often than not, she’ll suggest going back out to your table. She’ll feel bad for bilking a nice guy out of all his dough.

8. ENDING THE NIGHT
So if she comes back to your table, continue as you did in steps 2 and 3. Don’t stare at her on stage and watch her while she talks to other clientele because she’s gonna think you’re a weirdo or a stalker. Remember, she is going to be watching you. Keep being respectful to other dancers and do not take any into the back with you. She thinks that she’s somehow special now and will get pissed if you get any other private dances and will think you’re pulling the same shit on another girl. When you leave, don’t run up to her like a nerd and tell her good night. If she’s within eye-shot, give her a look and wave as you leave if she sees you. If not, then just leave. You don’t want to seem desperate.
—

If you’re not a total fuck up or ugly as shit, this will work. From here on out, treat her like any other girl you would call and go on dates with. The downside to dating a stripper is that when work is slow or they’re bored, they will call you and tell you to come to the club and hang out with them. This isn’t always a bad thing. I would always just sit at the bar and have a few beers and watch ESPN or order some food, and when they’re not on stage, they’ll come over and hang out. If her bosses figure out you’re dating, you may be barred from the club as they want to avoid jealous boyfriends fighting patrons. The upside is you’ll meet all her stripper friends and they’ll think you’re a nice guy, and you might get to fuck them too.

Also, they’re ALWAYS generous. I’ve had strippers take me gambling after work, help me with moving, treat me to nice dinners, buy me shoes, and so on. Don’t expect some sort of party animal lifestyle with them. They “party” for hours on end at work and when they’re off, they mostly just want to chill and watch movies and go to dinner and do homey, normal stuff.

So there you have it. All those nights you blew hundreds of bucks trying to lay a stripper and failed, now you know why. Take you new-found knowledge and use it well.

-BILLY COX

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This big place we call planet Earth is full of many different types of vagina: black ones, white ones, deep ones, dry ones, chinky ones, Jewy ones, big, wet, sloppy ones and ugly ones that make you pull that “uh-uh, I ain’t goin’ down there” face. They’re like Pokemon were in the ’90s: You gotta catch ‘em all. That includes the nasty looking ones, even if only for archival purposes.

Every once in a while, you’ll come across a vagina that stands clit and ovaries above every other one. It feels like the “Curb your Enthusiasm” of pussy, whereas everything else is more like “Two & a Half Men” or “Glee.” It smells like water and tastes like fruit punch Snapple. Feels good too, don’t it?

Well, guess what? You just had some “Enchanted Vagina.” Hold on to that pussy and treasure it dearly because it doesn’t come around often. Let’s take a moment to salute all the great Enchanted Vagina of the world.

BEST VOCALLY ENCHANTED POP VAGINA: LADY GAGA

There’s only one way you can make songs as catchy as “Bad Romance” and “Poker Face.” Yep, you guessed it: Her vagina wrote them. If that doesn’t sound plausible, then I guess you’re forgetting that HER VAGINA IS FUCKIN’ ENCHANTED.
—

BEST ENCHANTED AFRICAN AMERICAN VAGINA: MIZZ BOOTY

Yup, that’s a large ass. YUP, it kinda looks like cottage cheese stuffed in a garbage bag made of more cottage cheese. But once your penis enters that sweet chocolate pie of a vagina, you’ll forget that you’re fucking the bottom half of that fat blob from “Precious.” Shit, you’ll probably forget your name and the fact that you don’t even like black chicks too.
—

BEST ENCHANTED MATURE VAGINA: THAT FUNNY WHITE CHICK FROM ALL THOSE MOVIES

Fuck, this bitch is funny. She owns every movie she’s in. So what if she has reoccurring roles in “Two and a Half Men” and “Glee?” If you went to a bar with her, she’d have you laughing so hard that she could easily convince you to pour beer on her crotch and lick it dry with your mouth. No sane man would ever do stuff like that in public, but enchanted pussy be drivin’ niggaz crazy and shit.
—

BEST ENCHANTED CARTOON VAGINA: THE DAUGHTER FROM “THE CLEVELAND SHOW”

Apart from actually having sex with another man, masturbating to cartoons is probably the gayest thing any straight man could ever admit to doing. But somehow, this woman kinda makes it OK fantasize about a drawing. I think she’s more of a “young girl” than an actual woman, but hey, who’s counting?
—

BEST ENCHANTED “IM CONFUSED, THIS IS WORNG” VAGINA

Another really gay thing a dude could do is admit to getting a hard-on over another man. It’s embarrassing. But like natural disasters and high-crime rates in ethnic-minority communities, it happens. I guess Prince is probably the sexiest man-woman ever. If you put a wig on him and the right makeup, and take the right drugs, he’d be an eight or above, no probs. I’m not sure what he looks like now, but “Purple Rain” prince was probably better looking than your current fuck-buddy. Did I say that out loud? Fuck….

-DONALD CRUNK
IAmFashionHearMeRoar.com/

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And there it is: the magical, crazy, powerful, nut-tangler that is black socks with heels.

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